A race, cold wind and the splatter of snow on my cheeks. There is no exit from the greatness you wish to accomplish within yourself the moment they say start. All systems go, whether you've managed a pre-race pee or remembered the straightening of your sock.... It's time. Will the road under foot. Will the space of your heart to hold the hope of your goal. The nearness of breathing leaving your lungs too soon. Push push pushing... Feel the whining in your subconsciousness. Left on the side of the road like dog droppings to decompose in its own inner battle of judgement.
I am here.... I am here.
Heart in my ears, guides encouragement on my periphery. Focus on something but brightness everywhere. The goal ahead but every second an internal battle not to close your eyes and give in to failure. It's there, so close you can taste it. No one counting on me but me. Yet here I am. Fighting my way up this hill that feels like death on a mountain. Tempting me to stop, find another ambition in life. Search for some other passion to pour my soul into.
I am here.... I am here.
No ipod in my ears, just the sound of feet, cars, and sweat crackling off my forehead. Focus and breathe. Hurry hurry they are waiting. Those I must hug, those that brought me here. Those that saw me through when I could not see myself. So often I can't see myself. Through shrouds of doubt, misgivings and in vain attempts to push beyond and above... There is no shadow to remove on the race course, Just you and your truth. It all comes to bare. You lay it all out like stained imperfect laundry for the neighbours to see. Opening yourself up for judgement and fear.
I am here... I am here....
Just before we started, a woman seemed surprised that my goal was 2:45:00. Hers? 1:55:00... I'm not here seeking that kind of miracle. I'm here for the taste of salt on my lips. I'm here for the burning in my calfs. I'm here to find something to be proud of.
After we'd finished a comment from a friend; surprised I'd done so well considering I hadn't run much lately. Apparently my last 107 days meant nothing. Sweat laid down, matched drop by drop with tears.... Means something to me. I've created myself with every step and every hopeless encounter with myself. I've etched myself in my destiny...
Day 108 529km total... ottawa half marathon on may 29th... there again to stand firm on my ground and say....
I am here... I am here...
Monday, April 18, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Taperless taper?
In the space between words I wait for you
Like a 7 year old for birthday cake
In the pause between baited breath I wait for you
Like the moment after jumping and before diving
In the crevice of mental clarity self denied I wait for you
Like the realization that your little white lie is no longer yours to keep
I wait for you....
Clothes laundered and set out neatly... in the bunched up pile at the foot of my bed
Shoes laced and orthotics inserted... or I'm sure they're around here somewheres
Water bottle filled.... minus several nervous sips and a few spills
Gu's bagged and ready... oh wait I still need to get those....
Willing the clock, stopping the dance that causes me to think and second guess my sanity
Through mud, rain and on yonder un-run roads.... I come for thee....
And sure I may pray the guide doesn't plan practical jokes of leaving me,
To race, to run... to see what will become... to step across that land of what I know to be true and to ......
To above all create a place in my future for me ...
Alarm set - that I'm sure of... For tomorrow is race day!
Like a 7 year old for birthday cake
In the pause between baited breath I wait for you
Like the moment after jumping and before diving
In the crevice of mental clarity self denied I wait for you
Like the realization that your little white lie is no longer yours to keep
I wait for you....
Clothes laundered and set out neatly... in the bunched up pile at the foot of my bed
Shoes laced and orthotics inserted... or I'm sure they're around here somewheres
Water bottle filled.... minus several nervous sips and a few spills
Gu's bagged and ready... oh wait I still need to get those....
Willing the clock, stopping the dance that causes me to think and second guess my sanity
Through mud, rain and on yonder un-run roads.... I come for thee....
And sure I may pray the guide doesn't plan practical jokes of leaving me,
To race, to run... to see what will become... to step across that land of what I know to be true and to ......
To above all create a place in my future for me ...
Alarm set - that I'm sure of... For tomorrow is race day!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Melted snow and dragonfire...
Snow melted and I hear the call of the worms...
Moon dancing and I feel the urge to move... It calls me at 4am when I'm stirring for my books, ignoring my feet. So close, reach to touch it... distraction takes me away.
Lost in a sea of responsibility - tasks to accomplish, greatness to attain...
Prays spoken in the dark, thoughts of future, fear of past and embracing the present....
Here I am - forever staring down the loss I nearly ran from. Strength gained from the depths of could be despair. Turn and fight. Life is a struggle, embrace the struggle. Find a fight worth fighting. Fight for yourself. Struggle for your today. Make it great. Make it worth living - because if you don't, who will?
Soon the books will be shelved. Briefly the sleep will come. Time will bring back my 5am runs. Alone in the dark, with nothing but me and my proposed self struggling to see who will be victorious in the end.
Soon the seasons will bring me the waters my arms wish to swim, the pedals which I will freely push downhill, uphill and around the corner... like a kid just free of training wheels. Soon the trails will dry and I'll have a free day to press my imprint in the dirt. Soon there will be time enough to wave to the cows, wish for outhouses and long for water....
Time to breathe some dragonfire.....
365 days of running current total = 376km
Moon dancing and I feel the urge to move... It calls me at 4am when I'm stirring for my books, ignoring my feet. So close, reach to touch it... distraction takes me away.
Lost in a sea of responsibility - tasks to accomplish, greatness to attain...
Prays spoken in the dark, thoughts of future, fear of past and embracing the present....
Here I am - forever staring down the loss I nearly ran from. Strength gained from the depths of could be despair. Turn and fight. Life is a struggle, embrace the struggle. Find a fight worth fighting. Fight for yourself. Struggle for your today. Make it great. Make it worth living - because if you don't, who will?
Soon the books will be shelved. Briefly the sleep will come. Time will bring back my 5am runs. Alone in the dark, with nothing but me and my proposed self struggling to see who will be victorious in the end.
Soon the seasons will bring me the waters my arms wish to swim, the pedals which I will freely push downhill, uphill and around the corner... like a kid just free of training wheels. Soon the trails will dry and I'll have a free day to press my imprint in the dirt. Soon there will be time enough to wave to the cows, wish for outhouses and long for water....
Time to breathe some dragonfire.....
365 days of running current total = 376km
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Green beer and pots of gold
Tomorrow our happy running family will be headed to Toronto for the Achilles 5k st. Pattys run/walk. Excited about this magical moment, its been too long since someone said "go!" and meant it. Promising myself no racing until the completion of school is a long dry task. It mimics taper in the oddest ways. Wake up early and instinctively wonder if I have the right socks on for my runners - then realise it's just my books I'm looking for. Feeling incomplete. Making due. Managing. Surrounding myself with wonderful inspiring athletes who share their tales of races and successes. It's bitter sweet.
Even tomorrow's race isn't a true race. I'll be cheering on my 9yo and hubby, and walking with my 12yo and 3yo. Most importantly welcoming back my guide post chemo treatments. He was very much missed. So tomorrow is a walk, followed of course by green beer and veggie chili.
Ottawa half marathon is so far away, and yet not far at all. The snow needs to melt. The grass needs to grow, the bees buzz and my feet run free.
One step at a time girl... one step at a time.
Even tomorrow's race isn't a true race. I'll be cheering on my 9yo and hubby, and walking with my 12yo and 3yo. Most importantly welcoming back my guide post chemo treatments. He was very much missed. So tomorrow is a walk, followed of course by green beer and veggie chili.
Ottawa half marathon is so far away, and yet not far at all. The snow needs to melt. The grass needs to grow, the bees buzz and my feet run free.
One step at a time girl... one step at a time.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Stirring Silence...
It is the season for timeless words in my head. They push me to memories and tempt me to linger. There is nothing more fearsome then standing still. Stillness seeps into the fibres of your soul pushing you to seek fault in your skin. Memories serve to inspire a smile, and to push you towards a new goal.
February is nearly over. That crisp glistening snow has melted into the sacred pile of mush that inches its way into your path as if to say.... I dare you to jump... Memories of muddy snowpants and days of rubber boots to come. And all of it, the smell of rotten worms in the air, the nearness of grass sleeping under slush, the swing of the empty bird feeder..... all of it reminds me that my shoes have yet to embrace those trails. Their rocks, their rubble, their wash out runner traps - all call to my shoes in their sleep. Like a rite of passage that every good shoe must endure. The puberty of sneakers. White laces no more.
Yesterdays sweat droplets stain upon last weeks on the treadmill dashboard. And my bike waits in the basement making friends with the spiders. Every day a new day, every day a minute more of sun. Every day another reason to smile. Every day a reason to run.....
Day 52
Current 51 day total - 281.27km
February is nearly over. That crisp glistening snow has melted into the sacred pile of mush that inches its way into your path as if to say.... I dare you to jump... Memories of muddy snowpants and days of rubber boots to come. And all of it, the smell of rotten worms in the air, the nearness of grass sleeping under slush, the swing of the empty bird feeder..... all of it reminds me that my shoes have yet to embrace those trails. Their rocks, their rubble, their wash out runner traps - all call to my shoes in their sleep. Like a rite of passage that every good shoe must endure. The puberty of sneakers. White laces no more.
Yesterdays sweat droplets stain upon last weeks on the treadmill dashboard. And my bike waits in the basement making friends with the spiders. Every day a new day, every day a minute more of sun. Every day another reason to smile. Every day a reason to run.....
Day 52
Current 51 day total - 281.27km
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
In the heat
The cold weather is calling my name. That's not true, it's calling me names. It taunts me with words like whimp and chicken. My third year running and first year of no outdoor winter running.
I am no stranger to the 8:00pm beginnings of a -30C 17km runs that land you with frostbite. I can still remember the tingling of blood returning to the proper vessels in my legs and arms three hours post crazy runs. They are thrilling, these runs... character building and soul fulfilling. They also remind you that you are not invincible. A hard pill to swallow.
This year, my last of college, with guides tricky to place and schedule harder to control.... all runs are inside. I figure it's a test of internal motivation. A push to see how long you can hold on to the memory of the wind in your hair, the car soaking you with muddy water for fun, the crazy morning coffee traffic that has no patience for runners.
Thankfully I'm stubborn. (ok that's an understatement)
The snow can only last so long. The guides have already been in touch. Spring, groundhog or not - will eventually come. The flowers will bloom, the sinuses will start to inflame and my not so new but still very white shoes will meet gravel for the first time. Wonder if I'm the only one who believes shoes are still virgin until the mud encrusts itself in every available space?
Temporarily displaced is a good way to look at my winter of indoor running. But hey, what runner hasn't had to adapt or alter a training plan due to injury, responsibility or thunderstorm?
365 days of running current total - 219.97 km
Happy day 40!!!
I am no stranger to the 8:00pm beginnings of a -30C 17km runs that land you with frostbite. I can still remember the tingling of blood returning to the proper vessels in my legs and arms three hours post crazy runs. They are thrilling, these runs... character building and soul fulfilling. They also remind you that you are not invincible. A hard pill to swallow.
This year, my last of college, with guides tricky to place and schedule harder to control.... all runs are inside. I figure it's a test of internal motivation. A push to see how long you can hold on to the memory of the wind in your hair, the car soaking you with muddy water for fun, the crazy morning coffee traffic that has no patience for runners.
Thankfully I'm stubborn. (ok that's an understatement)
The snow can only last so long. The guides have already been in touch. Spring, groundhog or not - will eventually come. The flowers will bloom, the sinuses will start to inflame and my not so new but still very white shoes will meet gravel for the first time. Wonder if I'm the only one who believes shoes are still virgin until the mud encrusts itself in every available space?
Temporarily displaced is a good way to look at my winter of indoor running. But hey, what runner hasn't had to adapt or alter a training plan due to injury, responsibility or thunderstorm?
365 days of running current total - 219.97 km
Happy day 40!!!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Ground hogs and wishing wells....
To jump off the diving board.... such a scary thought. Especially without depth perception. How much fear do you face every day? Everyone lives with something they'd like to conquer, some one thing that scares the crud out from under your toenails .... that you nevertheless long to do.
January 2011 was a month of conquering fears. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. It was the beginning of a culmination of stress, action and preparation. It was unsettling. And I embraced every moment of it.
They say it takes 3 or 4 weeks to make something a habit. 31 days of running, 175.02 kms covered between treadmill and elliptical, through smiles, through frustration, through tears and each and every step towards a better future.
Some miles with a textbook in my hand, others with no carpet under my elliptical so that every two miles I was facing a completely different wall. Some miles done with the house under construction, some miles were done in longing for the trail underfoot. Most importantly, every day, running was a part of my day, a part of my life; etching itself into the fibers of my soul.
My February goals? Of course continue to run every day. But in general it would be fantastic to enjoy a few miles outside with my forever man....if only day care fell from the heavens :)
Wishing you happy feet and warm toes!
January 2011 was a month of conquering fears. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. It was the beginning of a culmination of stress, action and preparation. It was unsettling. And I embraced every moment of it.
They say it takes 3 or 4 weeks to make something a habit. 31 days of running, 175.02 kms covered between treadmill and elliptical, through smiles, through frustration, through tears and each and every step towards a better future.
Some miles with a textbook in my hand, others with no carpet under my elliptical so that every two miles I was facing a completely different wall. Some miles done with the house under construction, some miles were done in longing for the trail underfoot. Most importantly, every day, running was a part of my day, a part of my life; etching itself into the fibers of my soul.
My February goals? Of course continue to run every day. But in general it would be fantastic to enjoy a few miles outside with my forever man....if only day care fell from the heavens :)
Wishing you happy feet and warm toes!
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