Two weeks worth of coffee left to drink

I'm thinking perhaps I've lived my life in countdowns for far too long. And yet, here I sit again, counting down to race day, counting down to board exams, counting down to the beginnings of triathlon training, counting down to the next cup of coffee.  ... As if the stirring will move my dreams into focus and reshape reality into the stepping stones needed underfoot.

It's a chilly rainy day here in the Patch.  Perfect as always for a solo long run.  The heavens have cleared the path, created the way within the chaos for me to run. This, my 135 day of this "runstreak" .... will be.  No adjective there - it just will be. I'm not predrawing those descriptive lines, I'm not constricting it's possibilities.  Let it be.  By the grace of God and all that is good and peaceful, let it be.....

There is a calmness to this chaos.  There is a methodical manner in coping with the movements through the minefield.  It creates a stubbornness all too familiar to my senses.  It manifests itself in the moments of potential that take your breath away.  It whispers softly..... all is possible.... reach for it. 

Of course I reach in the darkness, from hope and into the mist in front.  I may not actually see any of it there  .... But believing is the most important step.  After all, this ain't no line dance... step out and break it down!

365 days of running current total = 682.28km Today's 20 will get me over 700km.... kinda cool :)

Four Weeks From Now....

Transitions carry us from one point to another.  Transitions boggle our minds with frustrating moments of stages and inches of progress.  Training is transition.  Four weeks until race day.  Ottawa Half Marathon has my bib #  in it... Three weeks of long runs left.  Three weeks of speed work.  Three weeks of tempos.  Three weeks of figuring out what I'm made of.  Three weeks of healthy eating and stretching.  Three weeks of singing loudly off key and dancing around the living room when no one's home.

Transitions.  I'm in my cocoon.  You can't see it, but my wings are growing.  My colours are going to blow your mind.  Just wait until you see my wing span. 

Transitions.  What if I can't fly?

In the moments of quiet (few and far between in a house of five).... But in the moments of quiet, just after the birds start their praise, before the thundering feet of 3 year olds.... In those moments my heart steals my attention.  It says this, with every lub...

...... "You don't even realise..... you're life is lived in transitions"

And it seals it with each dub.....

Then the world takes over and you're caught in the swing. 

Time to get my run on.  Solo 18k waiting for me.  It's a nice dark day.  It's a great day to be alive and feel free. 

365 days of running total 587km....

Peace to you in running and all transitions.

A solo lesson learned...

Stubbornness is so problematic...  And it eats away at you.  It masks fear and rearranges logic.  It's the voice in you're head that denies reality just for that pertinent moment of decision making.  It stops you from looking both ways before crossing the street because you didn't hear anything coming.  It sends you on that last lap around the track when you know dam well you're done and now risking injury.  It's the motivator for greatness 2% of the time.  It's your date with destiny the other 98%. 

Stubbornness and I have a grand long winded history.  We've seen each other through the most dire moments of weakness and pain.  We've carried the torch together through road blocks and past failure.  I owe a great deal to it.  I have friends that call me a 'high-maintenance' blind girl, because I can't stand to pass up on things.  But yesterday stubbornness and I switched roles.  Usually (pardon the language) she's my bitch, yesterday - she put me back in my place.  She reminded me just how mortal (and dumbassed) I am.

My 7km trail run, solo guilt inspired because I passed on hills in the rain; turned quickly into a 5km trail run.  The above tree greeted me ever so gracefully with a not so gentle tap on the head.  It reminded me of the kick in the pants that karma gives you when you know you deserve it. Ego bruised, I retreated home.  Now fully embracing my new founded reality of life, liberty and the need of guide runners. More importantly the need to ask for help and not be so stubborn all the time.

Stubbornness can carry you only so far, love takes you the last dash. Stubbornness can breed isolation.  Nearly 33 years into this life and I'm still learning the value of community and shared spirit.  Peace to you in your running.  Share it with someone you love and bring a smile to their lives too.

Thoughts on a Monday

A race, cold wind and the splatter of snow on my cheeks.  There is no exit from the greatness you wish to accomplish within yourself the moment they say start. All systems go, whether you've managed a pre-race pee or remembered the straightening of your sock.... It's time. Will the road under foot.  Will the space of your heart to hold the hope of your goal.  The nearness of breathing leaving your lungs too soon.  Push push pushing... Feel the whining in your subconsciousness. Left on the side of the road like dog droppings to decompose in its own inner battle of judgement. 

I am here.... I am here.

Heart in my ears, guides encouragement on my periphery.  Focus on something but brightness everywhere.  The goal ahead but every second an internal battle not to close your eyes and give in to failure. It's there, so close you can taste it.  No one counting on me but me.  Yet here I am.  Fighting my way up this hill that feels like death on a mountain.  Tempting me to stop, find another ambition in life.  Search for some other passion to pour my soul into.

I am here.... I am here.

No ipod in my ears, just the sound of feet, cars, and sweat crackling off my forehead.  Focus and breathe.  Hurry hurry they are waiting. Those I must hug, those that brought me here.  Those that saw me through when I could not see myself.  So often I can't see myself.  Through shrouds of doubt, misgivings and in vain attempts to push beyond and above... There is no shadow to remove on the race course, Just you and your truth.  It all comes to bare.  You lay it all out like stained imperfect laundry for the neighbours to see. Opening yourself up for judgement and fear.

I am here... I am here....

Just before we started, a woman seemed surprised that my goal was 2:45:00.  Hers? 1:55:00... I'm not here seeking that kind of miracle.  I'm here for the taste of salt on my lips.  I'm here for the burning in my calfs.  I'm here to find something to be proud of.

After we'd finished a comment from a friend; surprised I'd done so well considering I hadn't run much lately.  Apparently my last 107 days meant nothing.  Sweat laid down, matched drop by drop with tears.... Means something to me.  I've created myself with every step and every hopeless encounter with myself.  I've etched myself in my destiny...

Day 108 529km total... ottawa half marathon on may 29th... there again to stand firm on my ground and say....

I am here... I am here...

Taperless taper?

In the space between words I wait for you
Like a 7 year old for birthday cake
In the pause between baited breath I wait for you
Like the moment after jumping and before diving
In the crevice of mental clarity self denied I wait for you
Like the realization that your little white lie is no longer yours to keep
I wait for you....

Clothes laundered and set out neatly... in the bunched up pile at the foot of my bed
Shoes laced and orthotics inserted... or I'm sure they're around here somewheres
Water bottle filled.... minus several nervous sips and a few spills
Gu's bagged and ready... oh wait I still need to get those....

Willing the clock, stopping the dance that causes me to think and second guess my sanity
Through mud, rain and on yonder un-run roads.... I come for thee....
And sure I may pray the guide doesn't plan practical jokes of leaving me,

To race, to run... to see what will become... to step across that land of what I know to be true and to ......
To above all create a place in my future for me ...

Alarm set - that I'm sure of... For tomorrow is race day!

Melted snow and dragonfire...

Snow melted and I hear the call of the worms...
Moon dancing and I feel the urge to move...  It calls me at 4am when I'm stirring for my books, ignoring my feet.  So close, reach to touch it... distraction takes me away.
Lost in a sea of responsibility - tasks to accomplish, greatness to attain...
Prays spoken in the dark, thoughts of future, fear of past and embracing the present....

Here I am - forever staring down the loss I nearly ran from.  Strength gained from the depths of could be despair.  Turn and fight. Life is a struggle, embrace the struggle.  Find a fight worth fighting. Fight for yourself. Struggle for your today.  Make it great.  Make it worth living  - because if you don't, who will?

Soon the books will be shelved.  Briefly the sleep will come.  Time will bring back my 5am runs.  Alone in the dark, with nothing but me and my proposed self struggling to see who will be victorious in the end. 

Soon the seasons will bring me the waters my arms wish to swim, the pedals which I will freely push downhill, uphill and around the corner... like a kid just free of training wheels.  Soon the trails will dry and I'll have a free day to press my imprint in the dirt. Soon there will be time enough to wave to the cows, wish for outhouses and long for water....

Time to breathe some dragonfire.....

365 days of running current total = 376km

Green beer and pots of gold

Tomorrow our happy running family will be headed to Toronto for the Achilles 5k st. Pattys run/walk.  Excited about this magical moment, its been too long since someone said "go!" and meant it.  Promising myself no racing until the completion of school is a long dry task.  It mimics taper in the oddest ways. Wake up early and instinctively wonder if I have the right socks on for my runners - then realise it's just my books I'm looking for.  Feeling incomplete.  Making due.  Managing. Surrounding myself with wonderful inspiring athletes who share their tales of races and successes.  It's bitter sweet.

Even tomorrow's race isn't a true race.  I'll be cheering on my 9yo and hubby, and walking with my 12yo and 3yo.  Most importantly welcoming back my guide post chemo treatments.  He was very much missed.  So tomorrow is a walk, followed of course by green beer and veggie chili.

Ottawa half marathon is so far away, and yet not far at all.  The snow needs to melt.  The grass needs to grow, the bees buzz and my feet run free.

One step at a time girl... one step at a time.