Judgements....

When you assemble a puzzle, when you take all those tiny colour coded pieces out of their protective wrappings, spread them on the floor, create space in your life for this new adventure of your choosing... what is your first thought? Do you prop your box up in clear view so you can check in with the picture you were provided with? Do you take apart all the accidental non-separated pieces, to prevent cheating? Do you premeasure cardboard to lay down underneath to ensure the reality of this task is going to fit in your predesgined life? Do you find all the edge pieces first, create a box within which you know your new chaos will stay? Or do you attack all the uncertainties and just start to piece things together with no regret and only a smile and sense of adventure?

My pre warning to this blog entry is this: please stop reading if you take offense easily. Please please scroll your mouse around to another wonderful snippet from someone else that tells you your goals are near at hand and never give up. Do not read further if you don't wish to hear several harsh truths you may in fact embody.... One thing I'm good at is ranting, but this particular rant is very specifically geared to enlightening your sense of how it is to be training for something as a disabled athlete... How it is to feel as though you actually have very little wiggle room from predestination boxes that are given by the able bodies world around you.

All of this comes to me while on the journey to meet my summer goal to swim 13km in open water tethered to another, tandem bike 500km with another for five days, and run 100miles with a guide runner..

Myths of disabled athletes - 1. We just appear on the course

Not true! We have lives, take up space. Feel the world on many levels. Go to the grocery store and get in your rushed selfs way. Go to the bus stop and stand too near the door just to be noticed. Miss pieces of guide dog poo on the sidewalk in which your kid might step. Bump our wheelchairs into displays too narrow and knock things down. Not wave or say hello in the school yard at drop off time. Might dress the youngest in purple on blue day. Stand in a bank teller line just to have our bill read out loud. In general if you missed us out there, it's because your perception passed us over... Not because we are not there.

Myth of disabled athletes : 2. Everything is harder for us

Ok, truth in parts on this one. Imagine brevity that the event your wish to enter has set a bar and rules for participating that are just beyond your normal limits. If these events are actually harder for us it is only because we are most often competing in an able bodied competition. Which for the most part is what attracts us. However making adjustments to our accessible issues doesn't make it harder, it just makes it different. Whether it's a guide runner volunteer or a handcycle .... It's just different. Oh and we love it by the way.

Myth of disabled athletes : 3. We have super powers

This one bugs me... Everyone has superpowers. Everyone! But whether or not you decide to wake up trying to change the world or run around the block or just pour another cup of coffee and move slowly.... Is completely and totally... Your choice. Oh sure, seeing us on the race course might be inspiring, might seem like the coolest thing you'd seen recently. It might even be the driving force that gets you up off the couch.... But I promise you, when we are out there giving our best, trying our hardest, we have no more superpowers than the runner beside us that trained just as hard. Our stories may be different, our reasons may be different, but we are both still here. And that is most important.

Random facts about being a vision impaired athlete:

I separated these, because my sensory difference is not the same as that from another category. And furthermore doesn't speak for every vision impaired athlete...

- I will bug you
Whether this happens because you've read my twitter and see the amount of chaos I cope with, or because I took the disabled space when I was dropped at the gym... I promise you I will bug you. I will get in your way in the pool, not see you coming, look like I'm making faces at you when really I'm just squinting to figure out who to apology to. I won't follow spin class instructions (because I can't see them) and may stand when you're sitting. I will trip on the weight machines looking for the box jumps (especially if you didn't put your dumb bells away dummy!!!) I will ask you to read the ladies room scale so I can know I'm on track, not so I can share my most intimate detail with strangers. Whatever it is, I promise, I will bug you. And frankly, I'm ok with that. This is me, disabled me, trying to negotiate my way through your world. If you lived in mine I'd curse you for not ensuring my knives went in the drawer all the same direction, and for switching the shampoo and conditioner bottles around. Lets just do our best ok?

- i worry a lot
Sure I do! I worry about making cut offs that were made for able bodied people. I worry about losing my lane in the pool if I get out to go pee after two hours of swimming. I worry about getting in one end of the pool and not seeing someone on the other end. I worry about running across a new road into the sun, when all I have are my mobility training from high school to figure out whether or not there's an advanced green. Only at higher speeds because we're supposed to be running here! I worry my bike shorts make my butt fat. I worry my run skirt looks dumb with that colour top. Or that the caliber of my awesome equipment doesn't belong on such a slow girl. (Thank you Salomon Toronto!!!!) I worry about where to put my phone since my outfits are pocket free. I worry that while I'm running up this hill and you're driving slow to see if I'll make it that I won't. I worry you'll still be around when I start dancing at the top after having accomplished it. I worry about peeing on the trail and being seen... Since I'd likely miss you coming up behind me. I worry about the sun preventing me from following the longer route. I worry about a hell of a lot of things you worry about. Can I do this? Why do I think I can't? What am I proving? And to whom?

And lastly....

- I rely on the world
I rely on volunteers who are so patient and kind. Who give of themselves and their time. Who know when entering into an agreement to help that this race is not theirs but mine. That they will have to slow down. Way down. And tolerate my wall. Tolerating your own wall is hard enough... Imagine taking on a stubborn sentimental blind girls wall. I rely on race directors to have me, to maybe let my tandem bike stand alone. To allow my guide on course. To welcome us and help to share the day. I rely on my family and friends to know and support all that I am trying to do. I rely on patience and kindness. I rely on the furniture in the change room to be in the same place it was last week. I rely on the drivers in my small calm town to know hey it's that blind girl out at 4am again... Lets drive slow. I rely on hope, peace and on myself to see dreams through. And recently, I rely on trust. Trust in others. Trust that what I'm out to accomplish is no where near as important as the message it carries or the person I am inside.

Back to our puzzle, as you piece it together, or a week later throw it frustratedly into the box again for another day another time etc... Remember.... Some of us have no picture to follow, have no bigger plan, no road map, no colour coded clues, no pre measured space... All we have are the same pieces every day and the need to put them together.

After all it does not matter how you go about it, just that you do. Regardless of fear or obstacle.... Just go about it. And wait to see what happens next.

Yours in running....
rm

The birds and the bees of racing

Unspoken rules of racing go something like this... Or at least in the eves before a race this is how I feel...

1. A girl loves to run, a girl likes to set a goal and see what the hell she's made of. A girl, standing at the start line of her future forgets how good this sounded when she planned it lost in the steam of a quiet cup of tea.

2. A girl never forgives her commitment, especially to herself and all that she wants from this world and herself in it. A girl swallows fear and the impending sense of relentless need for the loo .... A girl will jump up and down and freeze her ass off in the shorts she never once wore running all for the sake of carrying less and the prayer that someone will snap at least one flattering picture she might some day stare at online and think, that's me how cool! I did that!

3. A girl laces and relaces the same shoe ten times for the right fit before the gun goes off. A girl looks around or listens around for the sense of the crowd and what they came for. A girl lets go of every possible limitation that could steal her breath or distract her step. A girl raises her head to the sky in one last silent prayer that no one she knows will actually be paying attention, unless of course she does well, in which case ....

4. And lastly, a girl throws hugs around like candy falling from a piñata she wasn't supposed to break, knowing full well she should have protected herself from the possibility of getting hurt. A girl gives her all and takes no prisoners, why would she, they weigh too much to carry so far. A girl smiles and lets go.

5. A girl loves to run, so she does.

And ...

6. If she's a blind girl, she runs with help. She runs with a guide fearless and giving. She runs with supportive family, supportive friends. A blind girl remembers she wouldn't be running at all without her world around her lending a hand. So we all run together.

Stacking Stones

Delicately replacing yourself with the one you long to be takes precious time.  It's a quiet practice of stacking stones on top of each other while there are few and far between seconds of time in space.  Time being what it is, merely a construct of this here life, we feed that fire of seconds endlessly.  One stone, I got up today and realised I needed a rest.  Ok even superhero wannabes have pj days and tea hand warmer moments when all that matters is the last run on sentence I managed to coax on the screen.  Stone two, which I place unbalanced on top... guilt for missing a work out.  And the stack falls down.  Everyone has that moment.  And if they don't then surely they are closer to superbeing status than I.  Gather my stones and re-examine depth and desire.  Weigh the stone in your hand.  Does perseverance come before truth or after?  In the case of this blind athlete, that depends on the day, the activity and the elements.  Sunny day, no guide runner, long solo run... ok maybe... but add wind and take my hearing and maybe not.  Getting up at earlier than my stupid o'clock is easy enough to do, but perhaps the rest is just important?  Maybe today.... perhaps today the dream needs just as much time to brew in that slumber in the dark when no one but my soul is tangled in the story line.  Perhaps today the lyrics are being rewritten to allow for curiosity for that road I never take out of fear.  Perhaps today ... I might say no to myself when I ask in the quiet alarm interrupted silence for five more minutes sleep. 

Later the stones lay scattered along the path I travelled mentally for the five free minutes I didn't have.  Later, after I came back to look again, to feel again, I brought along my secret weapon - laughter.  I carried with me the hopes of my children.  I tagged along my husbands knowledge and experience.  I brought my tea too.  And together, we are unstoppable.  The stones stack nicely this time around.  They have regrouped knowing there is no point in holding back their strength.  This time we worked together.  This time the stack was a wonderful mix of understanding and the right fuel, crumbled together with rest and effort.  Added to a heaping dose of motivation and desire.

The only enemy I have along this road of training and dream chasing.... is myself.  It's not time, or sleepless nights, or worry or fret.  It's exactly what I make it.  It has the face I give it every day.  Its' etched harshness is only as deep as I let it go. 

Every mountain you climb has stumbling blocks.  Well that's not new news.  Sometimes though, we forget that there is a series of mountains with valleys between.  This time, down in the valley, before the next climb... I made a choice.  I chose to roll around in the mud and dead leaves to both camouflage myself from the next fear that jumps out and... to remember having been here.  Because, inevitably... we all end up here sometime....

Ultrarunning vs pregnancy

I was recently asked if I felt ultra running was comparable to pregnancy... This is what I came up with...

Ultrarunning vs pregnancy;

(in my NOT so humble opinion)

1. Pregnancy makes you bloated. As does ultrarunning.

2. Pregnancy gives you a reason to justify grumpy. As does ultrarunning.

3. Pregnancy makes you think sex is unsexy. Ultrarunning, after about 50k, does the same.

4. Pregnancy forces an entire wardrobe change. Ultrarunning demands it's own attire too.

5. Pregnancy has an end but you can never feel that until you're actually there and then you have to go through hell to get there. Likewise to ultrarunning.

6. Pregnancy is contagious. It looks great from the outside and everyone is doing it. (literally) ... Likewise to ultrarunning.

7. At the end of pregnancy you get a cranky pooing puking demanding baby. Ditto ultrarunning ...


I rest my case.

An idle ironmans wife....

Time stands still, only every second counts. How can counting occur if time froze in its tracks? One two buckle my shoe.... And I sit here in wait. Like a Neanderthal for the next lightening strike to cook my supper. Like a classic bronte character for the spring thaw.

Oh sure, there's technology to help me keep track. Or maybe track my brain cell loss? Or trace my decomposing patience with every refresh click. Three four shut the door. And I sit here in wait. I can't run you in. I can't tie your shoe, check you pulse, feed you... No all I can do is curse you. In such a loving way from so far away. This idle ironmans wife ... Sits in wait, like a spider who walked in fresh paint.

Real life is unforgiving. People want food, attention, things ... Time and love from me. And that's complicated as I am as scattered as stardust on a kentucky wind. I'm neither here, nor there. Five six pick up sticks. And I sit in wait. Or don't sit, as the case may be. I shuffle, I move, I act all engaged. But this thing you chose to do, to accomplish, is disengaging my core. Even if I pushed you to test yourself. To try to be the better you. To try to hope you escaped your youth unscathed and unscattered and committed. Leaving me so scattered wondering if there are pieces to pick up.

You don't come from privilege. You haven't the best toys and gadgets and gizmos. You have drive and love and the will to keep going past the point where we all would stop, us idle ironmens wives. We'd stop and say that's enough for today. And make tea and fold laundry in quiet contempt of the clock that steals away our dusk. Seven eight Lay them straight. And I sit in wait. So uncomfortable and in such longing to know... Are you ok?

And you on that road, shuffling your feet... To a beat with the giggle of the goonies in your head. To the smell of that tim hortons coffee in your dreams. To the swagger of your 4yo sons singing to somebody that I used to know. And me here, so far away, an idle ironmans wife... Nothing but time and space. Nine ten lets do it again. And I sit in wait. Humming along to the thought of you persevering, to the hope of you hoping, to the need of you moving forward. One foot then the other... So far away from here.

Soon your race will be done and you will rest and recover and drive the long 12 hrs to see me, us, again. Soon you'll realize you've accomplished you've won this deep inner battle with the demons you didn't know. Soon you'll be here sitting beside me, holding my hand saying thank you for the support and kindness and love... And this idle ironmans wife, with every ounce of love and respect, will smack you upside the head and shout "why couldn't you just be an ultra runner???!?!?!"

Until then from this idle ironmans wife.... A million X's and O's...

Through your eyes

I see hope .. Through your eyes.
I see strength ... Through your eyes.
I see my race ... Through your eyes.
I see my faults ... Through your eyes.
I see courage ... Through your eyes.

Closing my eyes ... This blind girl sees more than your bated breath.

I feel my belief tangled in the steam from my morning coffee.
I feel my specific disregard for rules in the pony tail I feed through my running visor.
I feel my 'self' coming apart under foot as if the earth has turned to dust.
I feel my excitement raging in every fasicial cell, slow twitch every ready to release.
I feel my path through every hushed prayer cried into my silent pillow.
I feel .... Gathering resolution...

I feel grateful to run.
I feel thankful to have dedicated guides by my side.
I feel... Which is foreign of late in itself.

Somewhere in this 24hr race I will lose myself, glimpse myself, release myself, hold myself and find an all too extinct smile I'm sure I buried deep under 100k or so...

Inner strength

Any runner could attest taper is hard, both mentally and physically. Any runner could also tell you having to pull out of a hopeful race is another hurt altogether.

So it's true, I'm not invincible. However that's only because I haven't perfected my invincibly booster juice yet. I'm working on it. I've found the end of my run streak... How sad that is. It wasn't the day of bad family news, or the day of overdue bills, or the day after my marathon and not even the day I had a drink before bed then realized... Oh crap I haven't run yet. It was exactly where it needed to be, on the day I asked my body to run and the response was no.... Not today dear.

Strep throat plus fifths disease both took advantage of my weakness and moved into my ear. With one hours warning, a full rupture of the right ear drum stopped my break neck chaos in its shoes. Literally.

But I am blessed. 498 days I got to run. 498 days I chose to see past excuses and through unmotivated moments. 498 days I had the chance to connect with myself through this small and simple gift I call running. Thunderstorms, freezing rain, black ice and every possible heat wave in between... All taught me the inner strength needed to move on.

And here I am... Not running. The most frustrating place to stand is still. The most difficult task to undertake is not that hopeful marathon you'd someday like to finish. It's here... Not moving. Seemingly not breathing. Not doing much of anything except... Healing and gathering inner strength for your next step.

So many many people both physically close and online distant, helped support, motivate, inspiration, tolerate and guide me through my run streak. Endless thank you's sent out to the universe.

Plans have changed, as plans do. Ironman dreams postponed for a year. And run streaks to resume in the fall. Summer promises new landscapes as our family preps to move cities. Trail running is about to win. Bringing this blind girl closer to nature and closer to balance. August will be my first ultra race... The dirty girls 24hr ultra in mansfield Ontario. And September I'm lucky enough to run a 50k course close to my husband.

In the meantime, to give you an idea... I have 8% vision and before could run solo at the right time of day (darkness) However with only one functioning ear I am stumbling and clumsy ... There is no hope of running solo until at least some hearing returns. It's amazing how much we make use of our senses without actually knowing it.

My challenge for all the brave runners out there... Find a friend, go to a track, take turns running a lap blindfolded and guiding a lap... See how things change when your world takes on a very different shape. And let me know how it goes!

Disabled athletes everywhere would love for your volunteer time as a guide runner, biker, swimmer... Look for Achilles track clubs near you to volunteer.


And as ever.... Peace to you in running :)