What it takes....
We had some technical issues this weekend, but here it is!!! Episode four :)
Please keep sending your feedback by either commenting or emailing rmavery@primus.ca
Turn your speakers up and enjoy!
Thanks Terese (13) for filming, casting and editing...
Showing posts with label blind triathlete. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blind triathlete. Show all posts
Monday, March 19, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Some days...
Some days you just have to write. Some days the words need to free themselves and you are nothing more than an instrument of action. Some days are filled with potential, ringing true with hope and ... whats this? Pride? Or possibility the potential of pride? Who knows... Some days you feel like the run needs to move you, free you from what was your past and move you into the future of the you you long to be... If you know what I mean...
Some days tears need to fall, memories need confronting and the concern of future good byes might silence the now temporarily. Some days all the butterflies wings freeze in time and all there is, or all there seems to be is the movement of the steam from my coffee. Some days I love you more than I thought I could. Some days I realise it's me that needs to claim that love and to be okay with this moment in time. Because in truth this moment is the only moment.
Some days the swim is the best part, because no one can tell you are crying in the water. Stroke, stroke stroke breathe... Or gasp and sputter. Either way it gets the air in. And with each release of the negative... the hope that even if cancer has imprinted on that distant figure I have called my father for a life time... That I am still here in this moment... moving this arm over my head. propelling me forward. This moment is all there is. Movement and change are the only truths.
For so many reasons I challenge myself everyday. For so many reasons I give up a little piece of the me that I thought I was and move constantly into that space of unknown... to find out who I can be.
Weekly (or weakly?) I scream into the abyss "who I am?" .... The only answer I've gotten so far is....
"... In which moment?"
Peace to you in running... Peace to you in general.
Some days tears need to fall, memories need confronting and the concern of future good byes might silence the now temporarily. Some days all the butterflies wings freeze in time and all there is, or all there seems to be is the movement of the steam from my coffee. Some days I love you more than I thought I could. Some days I realise it's me that needs to claim that love and to be okay with this moment in time. Because in truth this moment is the only moment.
Some days the swim is the best part, because no one can tell you are crying in the water. Stroke, stroke stroke breathe... Or gasp and sputter. Either way it gets the air in. And with each release of the negative... the hope that even if cancer has imprinted on that distant figure I have called my father for a life time... That I am still here in this moment... moving this arm over my head. propelling me forward. This moment is all there is. Movement and change are the only truths.
For so many reasons I challenge myself everyday. For so many reasons I give up a little piece of the me that I thought I was and move constantly into that space of unknown... to find out who I can be.
Weekly (or weakly?) I scream into the abyss "who I am?" .... The only answer I've gotten so far is....
"... In which moment?"
Peace to you in running... Peace to you in general.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Day 410 poems to share
Ok so it's not really a poem... technically it's no where near a poem... but I had an audience and couldn't help myself.
First some intro thoughts... I'm in this place in training where all I've been doing is training for the training that's coming. Technically my offical half ironman training does not actually start until Feb 27th.... But here is what I've come up with so far. Also remember, my tandem bike is a fixed gear back pedal brake bike... which changes training dynamics.
As read at WORD UP in Peterborough Ontario at The Spill Feb 15 2012
First some intro thoughts... I'm in this place in training where all I've been doing is training for the training that's coming. Technically my offical half ironman training does not actually start until Feb 27th.... But here is what I've come up with so far. Also remember, my tandem bike is a fixed gear back pedal brake bike... which changes training dynamics.
As read at WORD UP in Peterborough Ontario at The Spill Feb 15 2012
What they don't tell you about ironman training...
Things I've learned in four weeks of training...
People line up to use the YMCA at 5:25am thereby proving I'm not the only insane person alive.
The pool water tastes like other peoples body cream.
Occasionally you'll turn your head to breathe in the water and inhale someone else hair.
Bikini line Razor burn at 5:30am in chlorinated water is a form of mid-evil torture.
Bathing caps are NOT sexy whether they are blue, yellow or purple.
Goggle face lasts four hours at it's worst.
There ain't nothing you can do to hide how cold you feel during the walk from the pool to your towel.
Runs are not the same when you're biking and swimming as well.
Your random leg complaints can't be placed into the blame of just a run. Even if it's day 410. They blend with was that the hills I biked? The lane rope I kicked? The squats and lunges with my 4yo on my back?
Runners and triathletes are very different groups. Runners I think shy away from having to communicate to each other in speedos. Where as triathletes like to compare tan lines.
Changing into long johns and polar fleece from a bath suit seems great until you're hair turns to ice and gives your ears frost bite on the run home from the pool.
Biking is no fun in the winter.
Watching old classic action films while on the bike trainer passes the time but reduces your IQ considerably.
Someone should have taught the blind girl how to shift gears.
No one tells you that the front tire of your bike will be propped up on a milk crate to accustom your tush to the angle of ascent of the hills on your course.
The stubbing of your toes on said milk crate at stupid o'clock will prove more painful than the actual biking with it there.
Bike seats are unforgiving. We're not talking the grade five school yard you stole my soccer ball unforgiving... But the Clint Eastwood coming to shoot your ass kind of unforgiving.
You will remember last Saturdays 90min ride next Tuesday in your calves.
Everyone around you laughs at the way you walk.
Most people think your body will decrease size as you train but in truth you can't seem to fit your new found butt muscles in any of your pants.
They also look funny in all your old lingerie.
The best bike rides end in that moment when your leg refuses to lift over the bike and you start channelling your inner dog to help raise it.
Sex, for the love of god, can wait until after the damn race.... Even if thats eight months away.
You eat, sleep, and poo thoughts of that finish line.
Sometime in the middle of a training run you wonder, if I'm literally tied to a guide for 7+ hours.... What happens if I have to fart?
You spend calculated amounts of money turning your heat up to mimic 30C plus humidity while biking.
A post workout beer never tasted so damn
good.
No matter how intense your workout, how crazy your effort was, nothing hurts quite as much as getting yourself lowered onto the toilet seat.
And nothing is quite as embarrassing as having to call for help to get up.
On your lazy days you use your 4yo as a weight during a workout.
You randomly challenge your 10yo to a plank competition and lose after 7 one minute planks.
You bribe your 13yo to rub your back, feet, shoulders.
The thing you are most thankful for every morning is that your husband makes coffee.
You didn't ever think you could do this... You just wanted to prove someone wrong who thought you couldn't.
Nothing matters if you don't believe in yourself.
Somewhere along the way, you will have to forgive your imperfections and embrace such cosmic chaos as to reverse the spin of the earth.
Somewhere along the way you will need more from yourself than you've ever given, more than you even know is there.
Somewhere in the middle... You'll find a bit of yourself. A little piece of the everything you are worth.
Life doesn't stop for training.
Life doesn't stop while you struggle to place hope.
Life keeps on living and challenges you to live a hundred lifetimes in a day.
Peace to you in running! And beyond!
Things I've learned in four weeks of training...
People line up to use the YMCA at 5:25am thereby proving I'm not the only insane person alive.
The pool water tastes like other peoples body cream.
Occasionally you'll turn your head to breathe in the water and inhale someone else hair.
Bikini line Razor burn at 5:30am in chlorinated water is a form of mid-evil torture.
Bathing caps are NOT sexy whether they are blue, yellow or purple.
Goggle face lasts four hours at it's worst.
There ain't nothing you can do to hide how cold you feel during the walk from the pool to your towel.
Runs are not the same when you're biking and swimming as well.
Your random leg complaints can't be placed into the blame of just a run. Even if it's day 410. They blend with was that the hills I biked? The lane rope I kicked? The squats and lunges with my 4yo on my back?
Runners and triathletes are very different groups. Runners I think shy away from having to communicate to each other in speedos. Where as triathletes like to compare tan lines.
Changing into long johns and polar fleece from a bath suit seems great until you're hair turns to ice and gives your ears frost bite on the run home from the pool.
Biking is no fun in the winter.
Watching old classic action films while on the bike trainer passes the time but reduces your IQ considerably.
Someone should have taught the blind girl how to shift gears.
No one tells you that the front tire of your bike will be propped up on a milk crate to accustom your tush to the angle of ascent of the hills on your course.
The stubbing of your toes on said milk crate at stupid o'clock will prove more painful than the actual biking with it there.
Bike seats are unforgiving. We're not talking the grade five school yard you stole my soccer ball unforgiving... But the Clint Eastwood coming to shoot your ass kind of unforgiving.
You will remember last Saturdays 90min ride next Tuesday in your calves.
Everyone around you laughs at the way you walk.
Most people think your body will decrease size as you train but in truth you can't seem to fit your new found butt muscles in any of your pants.
They also look funny in all your old lingerie.
The best bike rides end in that moment when your leg refuses to lift over the bike and you start channelling your inner dog to help raise it.
Sex, for the love of god, can wait until after the damn race.... Even if thats eight months away.
You eat, sleep, and poo thoughts of that finish line.
Sometime in the middle of a training run you wonder, if I'm literally tied to a guide for 7+ hours.... What happens if I have to fart?
You spend calculated amounts of money turning your heat up to mimic 30C plus humidity while biking.
A post workout beer never tasted so damn
good.
No matter how intense your workout, how crazy your effort was, nothing hurts quite as much as getting yourself lowered onto the toilet seat.
And nothing is quite as embarrassing as having to call for help to get up.
On your lazy days you use your 4yo as a weight during a workout.
You randomly challenge your 10yo to a plank competition and lose after 7 one minute planks.
You bribe your 13yo to rub your back, feet, shoulders.
The thing you are most thankful for every morning is that your husband makes coffee.
You didn't ever think you could do this... You just wanted to prove someone wrong who thought you couldn't.
Nothing matters if you don't believe in yourself.
Somewhere along the way, you will have to forgive your imperfections and embrace such cosmic chaos as to reverse the spin of the earth.
Somewhere along the way you will need more from yourself than you've ever given, more than you even know is there.
Somewhere in the middle... You'll find a bit of yourself. A little piece of the everything you are worth.
Life doesn't stop for training.
Life doesn't stop while you struggle to place hope.
Life keeps on living and challenges you to live a hundred lifetimes in a day.
Peace to you in running! And beyond!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
One month in
I feel like doing the hokey pokey... Put your left foot in....
That's how I train when there's no goal... or the goal is too simple, too attainable, or too far away...
January was an oddity in that my training only really started to focus two weeks ago...
So as we flip the calendar page and I get a brief encounter with my months endeavours, I gain the opportunity to see my lazy days, my less than prefect days... and my tried really frigging hard days... I get the chance to know how much better I can be in February. I can this grand fantastic chance to do something about change. To try again.
It seems if only we can have that in our lives, have the chance to try again... and maybe the resources to embrace that opportunity instead of resenting it.... Then we are okay. Life is truly about this moment and my breath in it.
So a months worth of reflection? Well, first some January stats....
Running totals; 34 runs... 97.74km covered between the road and treadmill. Run streak maintained.
Swim totals: 3 swims.... 2.55km covered ... all indoors (brrrr)
Bike totals: 7 bikes.... 100.6km covered... between trainer and a spin bike... my poor poor tush...
Weight totals: 9 total workouts... (ok I'm working on it..)
Yoga stats: 0 accomplished... Now I did stretch on several occasions but we all know this is not the same thing!
Books read: 4 total...
My general opinions of winter running are : it doesn't have to suck... but there are days I just wanna die and crawl up in a fetal position and pretend I'm not an athlete. Dress for less than you think, Don't be afraid to carry a bag (not a water bag but a full backpack) for your stuff... (like a swim suit or work lunch...) and I've kept my ipod off this entire month for fear of road running.
There is this other thought, this nagging impression that perhaps moves me to think, to ponder the possibilities... When I get the gym, I get in the way. I'm a blind swimmer invading your lane, bumping into the ropes, tripping in the change room, looking just slightly awkward. There's the odd time I am aware that I'm not the only one thinking that... that the other gym attendants are a little less patient with my time taking movements.... I can understand, I can empathize...
The kicker is that on race day, the same faces will cheer, will say good for you for accomplishing this feat.
I wonder if they'd rather I train in the quiet, when no one is out, when my actions wouldn't interrupt... I wonder.
Zen breathing and calm hearts... I am just as ignorant of a sighted life....
February brings all things groundhog furry and unearthing my seemingly hibernating fury to train harder. February brings me to this... less days, more to do, .... February trusts me to see it through... When trust is given it should never be abused or wasted. It is such a gift. And if an entire calendar page believes I can fill it up with life, love and training... who am I to deny effort? who am I to stop trying?
Peace to you in running!
Run streak day 397 here :)
Monday, September 5, 2011
Clarity and prayers...My sprint tri
Miltons Womens Only Tri
Day 247 of 365 days of running;
12:49 am checked clock... nope not yet time....
1:53 am checked clock.... damn time.....
2:36 am checked clock..... tell the butterflies to stop dancing in my tummy...
3:45 am alarm rings.... holy mother of god.... must have been asleep?
A Sprint triathlon... I'm insane. My bike has no gears. That hill is 6km long.
Boil the kettle. Drink the tea. '750meters 30mins... transition one 5 min....'
Drink the dam tea.
4:30 am staring out the window in the quiet, in the dark waiting for my guide.... '20km bike ...1.5 hrs... those hills'.
4:35 am in the van with guide Shannon and Doris (tandem) ... 'Transition two 3 mins....'
6:25 am at the parking.... unloading Doris... careful careful watch the bell. '5km run... 40mins....'
7:00 am registration desk... smiling talking happy. Setting up transition.
'My life is transition' Notice the swim course is clockwise. Crap. Double crap I don't breathe on the right. 'My life is transition'
8:15 am watch the first supersprint go.... brave souls 400m to go, you will love this like ice cream on a hot day.
8:23 am smelly bathrooms to pee... prerace jitters
8:29 am beginnings of wetsuit tactics... '750m swim 40mins... transition one 5mins...'
8:33 am wet suit up to my calfs... Why do they make these so hard? '20km bike 6km hill... no gears... no fucking gears...' did I just swear out loud? perhaps no one was listening.... Smiling
8:44 am wet suit up to my waist... waiting for 9am 'Is it a wee bit chilly out here? Don't mind me covering up....'
8:47am wet suit on. walking to the water. Can I wear my goggles now? It's so bright out here.... Saying good bye to my bike. She and I have to share encouragement. After all we are in this together. My new life, my new beginning. My new me.
9:02am (all these times are in my head like I stand still and count the seconds until they will set me free) In the water. Wet. Waiting. Rocks underfoot. '750m swim 30 mins.' OUCH... stupid rocks. Moving back, purple caps, pink caps... Golden caps...
9:11am There is a barn on the opposite shore. Shannon says the buoy is siting on that line. I can just catch the glimmer of it's roof against the trees. Truth is, I don't care. I just wanna swim and set free this fight that is hanging in the balance. We swim...
and swim
and swim
The water is cloudy. Warm and caring. Just me and the bubbles. Bubbles I can't see but feel as I pass them on to the next stroke and the next. I don't have to hear anything. Shannon and I can swim. We can flow with the waves like maple syrup on pancakes.... like butter melting on toast... like ... what? Oh you want me to turn right? ok... start again. This swim I could do all day. I am eerily happy here in this water. No thought beyond that. This could be easier than running. Did I say that?
That must be the shore up there in the distance. It's not the barn. It's not the shore either... it's moving... oh ... kayak ...
There is the shore. And those rocks.
Running running... 'transition one 5 mins....'
My glasses... So happy to see them. Wet suit down... water on the ground. I shed it like a skin of lingering pain. Gone from me. Owning my new life. Owning this time. Owning this race. '20km bike 1.5hrs'. Helmet on. running. running... they love watching this. I hear it in the crowd. I get to live it. So lucky to be me. So lucky to believe that finally.
Pedal pedal huge speed bump. My poor poor tush. My body says we will remember this. Good I think. It's mine to remember.
Turn and pedal more. This is the start of the hill. Up and up and up and up ... stand up and push.. stand up and cry a bit.. stand up and want to give in.. Stand the heck up and take that moment because you can't take it away from a willing fighter. Up and up and up... '20km bike 1.5hrs'... smiling.. turn around... coasting down. We can't even pedal. Doris is free in this moment. No pressure, no fear. Glory and wind. Hope in my heart. Flying fearlessly. Smiling... I yell to Shannon "I've got a new plan"... what she asks... " let's not crash and die!" must be 49km/hr. We laugh and go with it. She says did I find the vultures overhead disheartening? Vultures I ask? Is that a metaphor? Truth. GO doris go... 'transition two 3 mins'
Dismount. Coordinate and focus. There are two people jumping off. Running.. setting doris down. Running... for real now. '5km 40min'...
The ground is warm. The air is heavy with effort and inner growth. Up the hill around the corner. One lap... and turn around. The air gets lighter... we are nearly there... Up the last hill... they aren't going to give you this race for free. Push legs, you've trained for this. Up Up ... and run. The finish Shannon points. Just my luck.. It's green. Therefore invisible. I don't care. Run run... let everything go on the wind. Run run.. believe in myself. Strong enough for this. Strong enough for me.
Happily crossed the line. Hugs abound. All clocks stop. Hearts stand still in wonder. All things accomplished. Glorious day.
Finish time 1:54:19.... tethered swim 750m 25:37, tandem bike 20 km 59:32, tethered run 5km 32:11
Hell yes... hell yes....
Thank you Shannon. Thank you Doris.
Thank you everyone for support and encouragement and focus. Thank you for belief in this blind girl..
Day 247 of 365 days of running;
12:49 am checked clock... nope not yet time....
1:53 am checked clock.... damn time.....
2:36 am checked clock..... tell the butterflies to stop dancing in my tummy...
3:45 am alarm rings.... holy mother of god.... must have been asleep?
A Sprint triathlon... I'm insane. My bike has no gears. That hill is 6km long.
Boil the kettle. Drink the tea. '750meters 30mins... transition one 5 min....'
Drink the dam tea.
4:30 am staring out the window in the quiet, in the dark waiting for my guide.... '20km bike ...1.5 hrs... those hills'.
4:35 am in the van with guide Shannon and Doris (tandem) ... 'Transition two 3 mins....'
6:25 am at the parking.... unloading Doris... careful careful watch the bell. '5km run... 40mins....'
7:00 am registration desk... smiling talking happy. Setting up transition.
'My life is transition' Notice the swim course is clockwise. Crap. Double crap I don't breathe on the right. 'My life is transition'
8:15 am watch the first supersprint go.... brave souls 400m to go, you will love this like ice cream on a hot day.
8:23 am smelly bathrooms to pee... prerace jitters
8:29 am beginnings of wetsuit tactics... '750m swim 40mins... transition one 5mins...'
8:33 am wet suit up to my calfs... Why do they make these so hard? '20km bike 6km hill... no gears... no fucking gears...' did I just swear out loud? perhaps no one was listening.... Smiling
8:44 am wet suit up to my waist... waiting for 9am 'Is it a wee bit chilly out here? Don't mind me covering up....'
8:47am wet suit on. walking to the water. Can I wear my goggles now? It's so bright out here.... Saying good bye to my bike. She and I have to share encouragement. After all we are in this together. My new life, my new beginning. My new me.
9:02am (all these times are in my head like I stand still and count the seconds until they will set me free) In the water. Wet. Waiting. Rocks underfoot. '750m swim 30 mins.' OUCH... stupid rocks. Moving back, purple caps, pink caps... Golden caps...
9:11am There is a barn on the opposite shore. Shannon says the buoy is siting on that line. I can just catch the glimmer of it's roof against the trees. Truth is, I don't care. I just wanna swim and set free this fight that is hanging in the balance. We swim...
and swim
and swim
The water is cloudy. Warm and caring. Just me and the bubbles. Bubbles I can't see but feel as I pass them on to the next stroke and the next. I don't have to hear anything. Shannon and I can swim. We can flow with the waves like maple syrup on pancakes.... like butter melting on toast... like ... what? Oh you want me to turn right? ok... start again. This swim I could do all day. I am eerily happy here in this water. No thought beyond that. This could be easier than running. Did I say that?
That must be the shore up there in the distance. It's not the barn. It's not the shore either... it's moving... oh ... kayak ...
There is the shore. And those rocks.
Running running... 'transition one 5 mins....'
My glasses... So happy to see them. Wet suit down... water on the ground. I shed it like a skin of lingering pain. Gone from me. Owning my new life. Owning this time. Owning this race. '20km bike 1.5hrs'. Helmet on. running. running... they love watching this. I hear it in the crowd. I get to live it. So lucky to be me. So lucky to believe that finally.
Pedal pedal huge speed bump. My poor poor tush. My body says we will remember this. Good I think. It's mine to remember.
Turn and pedal more. This is the start of the hill. Up and up and up and up ... stand up and push.. stand up and cry a bit.. stand up and want to give in.. Stand the heck up and take that moment because you can't take it away from a willing fighter. Up and up and up... '20km bike 1.5hrs'... smiling.. turn around... coasting down. We can't even pedal. Doris is free in this moment. No pressure, no fear. Glory and wind. Hope in my heart. Flying fearlessly. Smiling... I yell to Shannon "I've got a new plan"... what she asks... " let's not crash and die!" must be 49km/hr. We laugh and go with it. She says did I find the vultures overhead disheartening? Vultures I ask? Is that a metaphor? Truth. GO doris go... 'transition two 3 mins'
Dismount. Coordinate and focus. There are two people jumping off. Running.. setting doris down. Running... for real now. '5km 40min'...
The ground is warm. The air is heavy with effort and inner growth. Up the hill around the corner. One lap... and turn around. The air gets lighter... we are nearly there... Up the last hill... they aren't going to give you this race for free. Push legs, you've trained for this. Up Up ... and run. The finish Shannon points. Just my luck.. It's green. Therefore invisible. I don't care. Run run... let everything go on the wind. Run run.. believe in myself. Strong enough for this. Strong enough for me.
Happily crossed the line. Hugs abound. All clocks stop. Hearts stand still in wonder. All things accomplished. Glorious day.
Finish time 1:54:19.... tethered swim 750m 25:37, tandem bike 20 km 59:32, tethered run 5km 32:11
Hell yes... hell yes....
Thank you Shannon. Thank you Doris.
Thank you everyone for support and encouragement and focus. Thank you for belief in this blind girl..
Saturday, September 3, 2011
On The Brink
Gathering courage in the quiet. Speaking the words to myself. Establishing a game plan. Detailing my finish. Mounting that hill. Sweeping fear away. Lost in the details of tomorrow. Lingering in the thought of this goal so intensely set in the supports of my soul. Every corner another moment to steal me away. Every minute a reason to hold my breath in anticipation of this beautiful beginning. Dancing to crappy music just because it has a beat and my spirit can't be denied anymore. Turning the music up too loud and singing loudly off key without remorse for my spectators. The taper dance? the new life dance? .... Today's dance... This race... My race... Tomorrow's race... and my only serious plan: smile forever, live forever..... and carefully count butterflies on the breeze along the way.
Day 245 (yesterday) of 365 days of running current total - 1300.59km
today a running rest day.... 1km to get it done....
tomorrow Miltons Women's Only Sprint Triathlon... In a thunderstorm :)
Day 245 (yesterday) of 365 days of running current total - 1300.59km
today a running rest day.... 1km to get it done....
tomorrow Miltons Women's Only Sprint Triathlon... In a thunderstorm :)
Saturday, August 27, 2011
When you are ready...
I have to tell the tale of day 238 and how this all came to be... I have to spin the web of glorious everyday nothingness and see if I can pinpoint when it happened. I've been a runner for officially three years this week. I've never in my life been in this place. Right here, where I sit.. I feel ready, very nearly comfortable in my own skin and in the flow of some very sweet karma. Being comfortable in my own skin is the biggest accomplishment to date. I share a delicate love hate relationship with food and all things self imposing. However I've been winning this fight for a while. Lately... I haven't even noticed it around. I figure that counts beyond words, beyond all memories made and moments you'd like to forget forever. I feel ready for what's coming. Sprint tri (my first) a week from tomorrow. And here I am... prepared in body and mind. Here I stand being brave in the balance of an upcoming taper. Here I stand tall when no one was looking. Here I stand tall for me. Here I stand.... ready.
750m open water tethered swim, 20km tandem fixed gear bike on hills we've never climbed, 5km tethered run.... I've only run tethered for 700m.
I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and singing outloud highly off key... embracing this chaos of my life and riding the waves with nothing but my wetsuit on. I feel like this time for me. This time for me.
Day 238 was the day. The magic started a few days before while running hills with extra weight trying to confuse myself into believing me capable. That moment when you forget you are carrying anything.... That moment when you reach the top and know you did this... one step at a time. I knew the flood gates were open. Day 238 was my longest run. 26km guided trail run. I haven't run that far in over 7 months. Didn't know what to think but entered that run with an open heart and a spirit to find out what was possible.
My guide and I moved through those kms like they were candy; each more sweet than the last. Above is our turn around point. We saw the sunrise on that trail and I saw hope right there in front of me. Every possible barrier to my success in life stepped aside to grant me a glimpse of hope. Hope is beautiful, hope is wholesome, hope is calmness and energy tangled together, hope is better than any words I could write to its credit.
Post run, no queasiness, no fear, no lingering soreness... In fact we went to the YMCA in town and attended our favourite class... "Simply strength" Every time I go to this class I feel like I've found a bit more of me lost in the droplets of sweat. Our instructor knows I am a runner, however I did not inform him before just how far I'd gone. Whether he could see my fatigue during class or not I'm not sure. Just my luck we were working legs during this class. After class I did tell him and managed to snap a picture of this wonderful trainer.... Wesley ... Cheers to you!
750m open water tethered swim, 20km tandem fixed gear bike on hills we've never climbed, 5km tethered run.... I've only run tethered for 700m.
I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and singing outloud highly off key... embracing this chaos of my life and riding the waves with nothing but my wetsuit on. I feel like this time for me. This time for me.
Day 238 was the day. The magic started a few days before while running hills with extra weight trying to confuse myself into believing me capable. That moment when you forget you are carrying anything.... That moment when you reach the top and know you did this... one step at a time. I knew the flood gates were open. Day 238 was my longest run. 26km guided trail run. I haven't run that far in over 7 months. Didn't know what to think but entered that run with an open heart and a spirit to find out what was possible.
My guide and I moved through those kms like they were candy; each more sweet than the last. Above is our turn around point. We saw the sunrise on that trail and I saw hope right there in front of me. Every possible barrier to my success in life stepped aside to grant me a glimpse of hope. Hope is beautiful, hope is wholesome, hope is calmness and energy tangled together, hope is better than any words I could write to its credit.
Post run, no queasiness, no fear, no lingering soreness... In fact we went to the YMCA in town and attended our favourite class... "Simply strength" Every time I go to this class I feel like I've found a bit more of me lost in the droplets of sweat. Our instructor knows I am a runner, however I did not inform him before just how far I'd gone. Whether he could see my fatigue during class or not I'm not sure. Just my luck we were working legs during this class. After class I did tell him and managed to snap a picture of this wonderful trainer.... Wesley ... Cheers to you!
Everyone should have someone who kicks their butt once in a while....
After the class and the run... I have to say I just knew. This is it. I will be able to run a full marathon in Novemeber. Sometimes the hope is in the knowing. Sometimes hope is in the believing anyways... sometimes the hope is in your blood and you can't deny it. You can't deny it or your future.
So here we are day 239 and I've biked 20km, swam 1500m, run a superfast (for me) treadmill km... and have no pain to report. No doubts and no pains. Chaffing and blisters aside my only complaint is that the world need to spin a little slower for me to enjoy ... for me to savour every last second ... of these 365 days.
day 239 of 365 days of running current total 1274.28km
Monday, August 22, 2011
This me
This me, woke up this morning and decided that today would be all I made it out to be. This me, danced in the rain on the 7th km of a 23km run yesterday. This me made tea today and sat down and had a nearly life changing conversation with myself about the power that potential holds. This me, crumbled in the corner... will not give up. This me, can make that fixed geared bike go up that mountain tomorrow. This me, will swim fearlessly in that water hiding my future so brightly on the sunrise. This me, stuck in the memory of failure, will not give in. This me, will move with the beat of my own drum, will sing out loud when people are listening, will not look back (kinda pointless anyway right?). This me, will be in your face until you show me the right direction, or at least get the heck out of the way! This me, in these unattractive stained running shoes, will not care what you think. This me, is terrified. This me, will run those miles, will make a memory worth keeping. This me, .... There was a point..... This me... This me... Is racing again in 13 days. And needed to vent.
This me, will make this a race you wish you'd seen. This me, will make this me proud.
This me, will make this a race you wish you'd seen. This me, will make this me proud.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Cobourg Try a Tri 2011 - A blind girls tale....
Restlessness. It fills the morning fog with chaos and excitement. Tension building in the coffee pot quietly perking in the dark. A quiver on my lips before you notice. A momentary relentless need to scream as the alarm finally signals the allowance of sunrise. Creeping in through the curtain like a soft toxin taking over.
Breathe in. For goodness sake.... breathe out.
Accomplishments in the small things. Five people in the car by 6am. Breakfast turning in my tummy Bags packed and unpacked a dozen times. All things forgotten. Remember your courage.
The course, the registration table, the parking, the kids transferred to friends, the transition set up... all a blur. A winding twirling maddening blur of movement and noise. Sunglasses begging to cover and protect my eyes... I was trying to transition with the sunrise. Trying not to panic at the moment of big bright lights when they came off. It was working. It was maddening. Every second brighter. Every second busier. Every second loss of vision.
Breathe in.... And out. Almost there.
Met the course director. A very nice guy, well seasoned in the rough water and cold weather. Wet suits mandatory. Good. I didn't bring it to look funny. At least this way I'll fit in.
PA greetings and instructions. Comments on the bike. Notification that we are on the course. Oh good... if I lose my guide someone's likely to point me to the finish line now.
Down to the water, forgot the tether. I'll stand here looking silly. You run guide run.... My husband. Bless him... My fear all bottled up in a knot knowing he is here. I am not alone. Except, I realise, I am alone... currently on a crowded beach... with noise and no glasses. And no guide.
Breathe in ... And out.... I hear my kids. No one else makes that much noise.
Get wet they say... they chant it like seagulls in a disney movie. I'm listening... get wet. SWEET JESUS water should not be that cold. I'm not a penguin. My feet have disappeared. But we are late and ushered back to shore before it can seep past my senses and into the realm of reality. I must be dreaming. That water is impossible. God's idea of a joke. I see him sitting there looking down thinking... You crazy fool... Do you not have limits?
We are in the second wave. Yellow caps everywhere. There's a guy in a yellow wet suit. All quite humorous to me.... yellow is invisible. It's a nothingness. As if in a void... we all have no heads. but there is no skyline there either... just.... nothingness. now is not the time for giggling... The air gun is not working...
Breathe .... in and out... your future is calling out in that nothingness.
I imagine myself swimming without a head. And we are running. Brave and free... strong and tall. And all completely headless. Then it hits me.
My hands are numb. My feet are gone.. ice everywhere. Sharp stinging needles from my calves up. This is not swimming... This is not racing, I am not moving. I am frozen in space and time. My hearing fades. The waves and the wind and the calm that spins me away.
Swirling and sweeping in and out of focus. I see the sun like a brilliant beam of brightness spilling into the water. My only landmark. I hear my guide saying reassuring things. How can you talk I think. I can't think. My hand brushes a swimmer in all the wrong places.... I take a minute and breathe... into the wave. cough cough sputter... My guide is on the other side. Not my husband that I just brushed so delicately in the water. Apologies unspoken. Keep swimming headless penguin. You will live to be grabbed another day.
Breathe girl breathe.... in and out. Fear doesn't live when you are surviving.
Faster strokes. End up under my guide. Oops.... On track. Standing up now... running now... I hear my kids. No one makes that much noise. Run, zipper, run... I've never been so happy to see my glasses again. Vision rushes back like a gracious gift from the heavens as if to say, you have passed - bike if you can.
"Doris" Leans there beautiful in wait. My streamers flashing in the sun. All the fog gone now. I'm so happy to see her. Wet suit off. My shorts dripping. We are running. People are smiling at our Doris. She is sweet. She is innocent. She is about to be set free. She is about to prove her worth. She is squeaking like the dirty old hag she is. That is her promise. She is not perfect. That's okay - neither am I.
Breathing without help now. Blood and feeling in my hands and feet. Slowly but it's coming.
We are on the bike pedalling. Good old Doris, makes a handful of passes, up the hills, down the hills. 10km of bliss on her. I can't help it. I'm singing out loud. I never sing out loud. Here I am, a glimpse of a hope of a future I didn't intend. Crying and smiling and singing. All with the most important man I know.
Two people shout "that's cheating" I answer didn't you see me standing up? I think if this is cheating It's cheating death. It's cheating misery. It's cheating sedentarianism. This, my friend, is all things possible in the breath of a blind girl blessed to be alive.
Back into transition... I hear my kids... No one is that loud.
And we are running. Good-bye beautiful Doris, leaning there on the fence. She stands tall, proud and tired. She will not likely race again.
Feet don't fail me now. Come on it's only day 226. 2.5km is nothing. Lets go. Guide sets a 6min/km pace. My sprint. We slow. We run. I'm still smiling.
Friends on the side of the road. Waving shouting also smiling. So at peace in this part. Running. This is me. The me I have come to know. It's not fancy, It's not fast, glamorous or perfect. It's just me. Feet kissing the earth singing every step... Accept this me. Love this me. I am this me.
I hear my kids, almost there.... no one is that loud.
Faster than the fading of the memory of the cold water the race is done. It's over. I am standing still again. already counting days until the next time. Thanking Doris, my husband, my family, my friends.
Sinking into my impatience..... This race pushed me when all I wished was to be pushed. Yes I will tri again. I wonder if there is more of me in those waters? Where do you find the little pieces of yourself? I found many that night in the grains of sand in my bed. The beach saying thanks for coming.
The race people gave us some hardware. That's exciting. Another little piece of me. Created into memory.
Day 227 or 365 days of running - current total 1186.76km
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