Hope and faith are wonderful. They caress my stamina in the hush before I travel from that place of thinking maybe I will get out of bed and go run... to that place when I feel unstoppable on the run running the first 25 meters of my morning... down hill of course. Start every journey with hope and faith...
Finish every journey with belief.
I went for a swim today. Put my cane down by the lane, walked my towel over to the hooks. Placed my glasses carefully on the ledge. Walked back to the lane I had chosen. That's your impression watching from the side, or the hot tub, or not watching at all because nothing seemed odd. What really happened was this - I went swimming today. Came out of the ladies change room and noticed there was no guard standing close enough to ask which lane was free. Walked slowly around to the deep end as if with purpose. Judging movement in the water. Tested a coughs echo off the wall. Stepped around the puddle I knew to be always there. Placed my cane on the ground by the lane I hoped and prayed was in fact empty. Took three deep breaths to ensure no movement there. Turned and walked to the hook to hang my towel and place my glasses on the ledge. Turned again... Recounted the steps and the angle of my turn to get back to my lane without falling in the pool. Felt the grate under foot and my cane with my left finger tips. Sat down and put on my cap and goggles. Someone came and sat beside me. They asked to share a lane. I went into a big "absolutely... sorry if I bump you ... I don't see very well" speech. Start every journey with hope and faith.
Movement and chaos in the water brings me to swim faster. As if my body is craving a rush or my head just wants to get out of the pool again. Give me a quiet still water and I could swim in silent peace forever. Movement and chaos and I'm counting strokes to the next breath.
Finish every journey with belief.
From the pool to a strength class. Not my usual instructor. I get to give my speech again. To my trainer, to my neighbours, to .... who knows... This trainer doesn't demonstrate the same way. We are both learning today. Start every journey with hope and faith and carry stubbornness with you close at hand.
Walking home from the gym my mind is on fire. It's also asleep. Singing the same song on repeat. Usually I have a Tom Petty, Elton John, American Pie internal carrying tune. Today my walk home was inspired by the dark side of motivation... and "I'm not afraid" ... but maybe I am... and just don't care? Truth is a horrible companion. She is a needy cranky unaffectionate soul that stops me in my tracks without notice.
Yes I am afraid. I hate crossing this road. I hate not knowing if your turning signal is on. I hate that look I'm thinking you are giving me as if to wave me on... I want to scream..."I CAN'T SEE YOU" ... but instead I give my speech..."sorry (grin) I don't see very well... didn't mean to get in your way"
Finish every journey with belief...
... It occurs to me that I give an impression as a disabled person. A heightened illusion that we are calm and sturdy and all things capable. That we have a sense of fight and determination that seems lacking in ... say a teenager when you are trying to get them out of bed on a Saturday. This is false and I am endlessly sorry for that. I struggle in every moment. I stand up straight only when you are looking. The problem is I never know when you are looking... I strive to bypass an understated expectation of the disabled person. However... in so doing... people believe in me.
Let me be the first to admit that is an intense responsibility. There are days when the sky is dark enough for all things...and days when I cannot leave my house. The space in between is carefully frustrating. Especially as a parent. Start every journey with faith and hope....
Today I stopped at a Tim Hortons and bought myself a coffee. That's what it looked like. But really what happened was... I thought about it for five blocks. Wondered if I could cross the drive through. Panicked about whether a driver would wave me on. Considered my actual need for coffee. Which was increasing with the stress. Misjudged the distance between me and the puddle I could hear them driving through. Shoved my chin higher... scrambled to read the amount I owed that no one read outloud.... Started to sweat in my winter coat from stress. Crossed the same drive through. Stood on the corner and thanked the lord for a red light so I could catch my breath.
Finish every journey with belief.
It's Runstreak day 433 today. I did that, despite and because of.... my disability.
Peace to you in running :)
Showing posts with label blind running. Show all posts
Showing posts with label blind running. Show all posts
Friday, March 9, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
The 1/2 Iron(wo)man; Saga of a Blind Athlete Episode #2
The Right Stuff....
So here it is!!! Week two of training! Terese's fancy filming and my boys both helping.
This week we took a minute to pause and see what kind of equipment one might need (as a blind athlete) in order to train for a 1/2 ironman.
Enjoy! Again, we are still working on our volume issues (although I'm fairly convinced it's the equipment)
Lets us know what you think! Also we are looking for future contributions so drop us a line!!! rmavery@primus.ca
Peace to you in running :)
So here it is!!! Week two of training! Terese's fancy filming and my boys both helping.
This week we took a minute to pause and see what kind of equipment one might need (as a blind athlete) in order to train for a 1/2 ironman.
Enjoy! Again, we are still working on our volume issues (although I'm fairly convinced it's the equipment)
Lets us know what you think! Also we are looking for future contributions so drop us a line!!! rmavery@primus.ca
Peace to you in running :)
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Two Months In..
March
.. and I'm back in grade one. Learning about lions and lambs. Learning about what it means to be "other" in my own skin, in my own class, in my own idea of "other" so kindly given to me. And Oh how I have lived it... this disabled life. I park in the special close spots. Correction, those who drive me get to park in the nice spots. That surely must be a perk right?
January made me think I was over thinking. February made me feel.... embraced in an idea. This notion of alone in a crowd. Shuffled between the known and the assumed. And yet I am still living the "other" in this new world of athlete that I have pretended to be a part of.
Perhaps I don't run fast. I know I'm not strong. I know that by all rights I should be able to lift that weight, or run that long.... I am .... unnerved at my belief in these words "able" and "should". I am ... forever redefining my opinions on gravity. I am ...
I have no clue.
This is week one of the official half ironman training. I thought it was a lot before. I thought my hair couldn't get any frizzier from being frazzled. I thought I would stop waking up in the kitchen at two am eating bananas and bagels. I thought I was losing my mind before.
I thought wrong.
My solo half marathon left a traumatic nervousness in it's wake. I jump at all movements. Spin around at the slightest noise. I see shadows in the mirror and say excuse me. I haven't found peace in a run since. I wake up in shakes and sweats, afraid to miss the train tracks in my dreams. I feel my heart rate racing when I am late for things.
And I still wake up eating bananas on the kitchen floor at two am. There are callouses forming on my hands from gripping metal free weights. My elbows have rug burn from alternating planks. My hair is frizzy. I have hopes that calm comes before the race. I have hopes that life will stop whipping around like a tornado and settle in the dust of collective thought.
I am....
... still deciding what exactly it is that I am.
February's Stats;
Running - 33 runs, 125.87 km covered, Runstreak maintained
Biking - 9 bike rides, 183.7km covered.
swimming - 5 swims, 7.45 km covered.
weights - 8 weight workouts
core - 7 core workouts
toenails - 2 toenails lost
yoga - ok I admit ... zero yoga... I'm working up to it.... I swear.
And to March?
Well, if she's anything like me... she'll come in like a lion and leave in the same manner. I'm not sure I operate in any other gear.
Peace to you in running :)
.. and I'm back in grade one. Learning about lions and lambs. Learning about what it means to be "other" in my own skin, in my own class, in my own idea of "other" so kindly given to me. And Oh how I have lived it... this disabled life. I park in the special close spots. Correction, those who drive me get to park in the nice spots. That surely must be a perk right?
January made me think I was over thinking. February made me feel.... embraced in an idea. This notion of alone in a crowd. Shuffled between the known and the assumed. And yet I am still living the "other" in this new world of athlete that I have pretended to be a part of.
Perhaps I don't run fast. I know I'm not strong. I know that by all rights I should be able to lift that weight, or run that long.... I am .... unnerved at my belief in these words "able" and "should". I am ... forever redefining my opinions on gravity. I am ...
I have no clue.
This is week one of the official half ironman training. I thought it was a lot before. I thought my hair couldn't get any frizzier from being frazzled. I thought I would stop waking up in the kitchen at two am eating bananas and bagels. I thought I was losing my mind before.
I thought wrong.
My solo half marathon left a traumatic nervousness in it's wake. I jump at all movements. Spin around at the slightest noise. I see shadows in the mirror and say excuse me. I haven't found peace in a run since. I wake up in shakes and sweats, afraid to miss the train tracks in my dreams. I feel my heart rate racing when I am late for things.
And I still wake up eating bananas on the kitchen floor at two am. There are callouses forming on my hands from gripping metal free weights. My elbows have rug burn from alternating planks. My hair is frizzy. I have hopes that calm comes before the race. I have hopes that life will stop whipping around like a tornado and settle in the dust of collective thought.
I am....
... still deciding what exactly it is that I am.
February's Stats;
Running - 33 runs, 125.87 km covered, Runstreak maintained
Biking - 9 bike rides, 183.7km covered.
swimming - 5 swims, 7.45 km covered.
weights - 8 weight workouts
core - 7 core workouts
toenails - 2 toenails lost
yoga - ok I admit ... zero yoga... I'm working up to it.... I swear.
And to March?
Well, if she's anything like me... she'll come in like a lion and leave in the same manner. I'm not sure I operate in any other gear.
Peace to you in running :)
Monday, February 27, 2012
Solo Racing, Peterborough Half marathon
Time stands still, however illusionary that truly is, for my last breath of comprehension... just before they finish that countdown. Chaos and crowds and eyes everywhere. Music too loud, and obstacles everywhere... I keep waiting for that voice to my left to say, heres the mat... step up...
There is none...
There is nothing...
Nothing but chaos and crowds... and eyes everywhere.
Breathing deep, too deep to stop my feet. No garmin, no bunnies, no stopping my panic. No knowing, no trusting and no room for error. No voice on my left. No external encouragement.
Nothing but chaos and crowds .... and eyes everywhere.
I'm longing to close mine. Block out the sun. Cancel the plans. Return the ship to shore. Move away from this challenge with my shortest of tails between my legs. No one to talk you down. No one to spin the distraction away. The crowd hasn't thinned. That worries me. I expected to run alone. Turtle pace. Happy solo run. It's not to be.
Nothing but chaos and crowds... and eyes everywhere.
Moving moving forward... for three brief seconds the sun hides behind a tree. I wonder, as I find the road for the first time in 3km... Is this what solo racing is like for sighted athletes? Alas no, because even though the sun hid revealing the road... I still only saw it with 8% vision. I still only captured my location for 3 fleeting seconds.
I have plugged in now. ipod on... blocking out the chaos and the crowds. Nothing can stop those eyes though. When you put yourself out in the open... expect onlookers. No one notices you in the shadows, hoping for the world to change. Not even the world will notice.
Somewhere around 3km there is a bunny passing... and a friend I knew that was aiming an easy 15-25 mins faster than me. I cannot contain my laughter. I am trying to keep up with the wrong crowd it seems. And not for the last time this race I remind myself ... I'm not running their race.
This inner battle is raging. Who's race am I running? Not mine surely? Creating awareness requires a shift is consciousness that comes from being uncomfortable. So am I running their race? No... but still.
People on the course are helpful, if not curious. I asked one kind racer to tap a pylon to let me know how far out I had before on coming traffic would be my doom. I asked another to read a km marker sign. Touched the following from there to count. Some other racer warned the on course traffic cop was letting some cars through and I should stop. Then asked how blind blind was.... 8% I answered with a smile. "Does it affect your quality of life?" he enquired. I quick self reminder... I'm not running their race. The war raged on in my head. Or was I? Awareness my goal... surely I've done that? "No" I answered.... (in a language that made sense for it's target) "I have a job, three wonderful children" ... He seemed lost in thought... I left him at 6km. My own hill to climb.
A local member of our Achilles Track club passed me on that hill. Wished me luck. I returned. Awareness. She knew. Silent words between us. She's guided me in a race before.
"WATER?!" I heard them calling.... "water?" I asked... both hands up... "yep here" I was given this small clue.... Judging from that sound... Four feet away. I waited... No more hints. "keep talking?" I asked hands still raised... Then there was a cup... Grateful sips... Bright sun.. if I throw this will someone get wet? Another clue. Thunk... there's a can here.... small steps... Thunk. Found it.
Plug back in. Breezed down that hill. Felt fantastic. Running my race. Wait, now it's my race? Journey in my ears.... So many eyes on me... I start singing. Outloud. Not caring. Let them think. Let them wonder. Let them smile. Dancing at 7km. This is not awareness for disability. This is awareness of personal needs. Dam it... I pull it together a bit more. You can't represent unseen faces, even if you are one, no matter what you do. Someone's needs will need fighting for.
My pylons have disappeared. Replaced by ankle high invisible markers. I'm following the shadow of the hydro wire on the road for guidance. Go for a drive and watch them. They bellow and move... up and down on a curve... As did my running. So bright. Longing to close my eyes. Block out that sun.
8km I hear my name.... I turn the music up... I'm not running their race. I'm not running my race. But I am running. Turn around point I manage to send a text to Rick... to someone? to whomever was last on my list... 11 was what I hoped it said. I'm still alive is what it meant. Don't save me is what I meant. Let me fight this is what I meant.
I can't fight it with the direction change. I close my eyes. I comprise by blinking every ten or fifteen seconds. Open grimace, no barriers next ten feet... close them. Laugh how the hell would I know if there was something 8 feet from me? And no barriers? Ha! This whole thing is my biggest barrier ever. Ever. Keep running. There is a hill coming. I'm not running my race. Awareness won't come from me dying. Keep running.
My feet shift in angle. Here is my hill. Only I know, climb the hill, turn the corner climb another. Ran up the first, walked the second. "WATER?" I hear that clue... here we go again... Marco? I'm not running their race...
Down the hill. Turn the music up. I send another text. 16 it said I hoped. I'm alive it meant. Don't save me I meant. Let me fight this war it meant.
17km.. 18km... Turn the corner... dragged my feet over three sets of traintracks times two... Memorized their place in my race. My race? no... not my race...19km... and it hits me...
I've done this. And I'm gasping for air. Crying without reserve. Like a fool. Now this is not awareness... Or is it? And for whom? Them? me? .... me....
20km theres a truck driving towards me on course. No crowds. No marshals. No help. Just me and this truck. Still crying... Still thinking don't die. Awareness does not come from death. Not today. I played the longest game of chicken I've ever dared with that truck. Crying. Waiting. Praying. no text now... what would it say? 20?
21k... I see that noise ahead. I know that I'm done. No crowds. No garmin. No voice on my left to tell me heres the mat step up... Crying... Giving up... Awareness... Waiting to stop looking.. Longing to close my eyes. Make it dark. Make it stop. Make awareness someone else's job now.
.. Hands found me.. Some I knew, others I didn't. Some I let hold me... Others I shook. They said accomplishment. Crying... Not my race. But so very much.....
my race.....
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
One month in
I feel like doing the hokey pokey... Put your left foot in....
That's how I train when there's no goal... or the goal is too simple, too attainable, or too far away...
January was an oddity in that my training only really started to focus two weeks ago...
So as we flip the calendar page and I get a brief encounter with my months endeavours, I gain the opportunity to see my lazy days, my less than prefect days... and my tried really frigging hard days... I get the chance to know how much better I can be in February. I can this grand fantastic chance to do something about change. To try again.
It seems if only we can have that in our lives, have the chance to try again... and maybe the resources to embrace that opportunity instead of resenting it.... Then we are okay. Life is truly about this moment and my breath in it.
So a months worth of reflection? Well, first some January stats....
Running totals; 34 runs... 97.74km covered between the road and treadmill. Run streak maintained.
Swim totals: 3 swims.... 2.55km covered ... all indoors (brrrr)
Bike totals: 7 bikes.... 100.6km covered... between trainer and a spin bike... my poor poor tush...
Weight totals: 9 total workouts... (ok I'm working on it..)
Yoga stats: 0 accomplished... Now I did stretch on several occasions but we all know this is not the same thing!
Books read: 4 total...
My general opinions of winter running are : it doesn't have to suck... but there are days I just wanna die and crawl up in a fetal position and pretend I'm not an athlete. Dress for less than you think, Don't be afraid to carry a bag (not a water bag but a full backpack) for your stuff... (like a swim suit or work lunch...) and I've kept my ipod off this entire month for fear of road running.
There is this other thought, this nagging impression that perhaps moves me to think, to ponder the possibilities... When I get the gym, I get in the way. I'm a blind swimmer invading your lane, bumping into the ropes, tripping in the change room, looking just slightly awkward. There's the odd time I am aware that I'm not the only one thinking that... that the other gym attendants are a little less patient with my time taking movements.... I can understand, I can empathize...
The kicker is that on race day, the same faces will cheer, will say good for you for accomplishing this feat.
I wonder if they'd rather I train in the quiet, when no one is out, when my actions wouldn't interrupt... I wonder.
Zen breathing and calm hearts... I am just as ignorant of a sighted life....
February brings all things groundhog furry and unearthing my seemingly hibernating fury to train harder. February brings me to this... less days, more to do, .... February trusts me to see it through... When trust is given it should never be abused or wasted. It is such a gift. And if an entire calendar page believes I can fill it up with life, love and training... who am I to deny effort? who am I to stop trying?
Peace to you in running!
Run streak day 397 here :)
Friday, January 27, 2012
Forward Movement - Day eight of training
Every once in a while there is moment of greatness near... You can catch a glimpse of it if you turn your head too quick for karma to shuffle it out of the way. You can catch a sniff of that aroma hidden deep under the smell of sweet sleep at 4am. Quietly at midnight when you turn from back to side you might feel that tingle of belief. Maybe it's not your own. Maybe you are not quite there yet to that place where you know, where you just can let go and trust that all your hard work will pay off. But it's someone's belief. It's someone's belief in you. It's the most intimidating heart rate raising realization when you drop the barriers long enough to soak in the idea that someone is putting their faith in you.
It's day 8 of training. Half ironman training for July... First ultramarathon training for Sept... I have no idea what I've gotten myself into. I have no idea who pushed that glowing indigo start button in the dark. I have no clues as to what drives an insane hope in the desperately stubborn soul.
I just know I'm here.
I wake up and find myself here. I stir my coffee and feel myself here. I hold my children and know I'm meant to be here. I may not be good at any of this running, biking, swimming stuff.... But underneath the chaos there is a hidden driven purpose I have yet to understand.
Day 8 of training... and my muscles are in shock. My body is in place that feels like complete revolt. As if all the powers of heaven are manifesting in my every muscle spindle sending signals of spasm from head to toe. I pushed so hard, perhaps in efforts to prove someone, maybe me?, wrong... I ache so badly that I woke myself up from slumber in the night crying.
Every fibre of determination fires on autopilot.... Must do... Will do... Can do...
Belief is a powerful thing. It moves your sadness to a smile. It wipes a tear to the side. It brings a spring to your step when all other reasons have been removed. Belief always gives a gracious gift along..... Hope.
My tandem is collecting dust in my basement. I hear my Doris when I'm on my trainer upstairs calling me... Let me out she calls. Blind runner bib still pinned to her fender, Tassles tangled against the growing pile of boxes leaning against her. Each knot a tale of triumph, each sparkle a twinkle in my eye. Soon... soon... soon.
My head is full of the music of my dreams. Carrying me out to sea... winding my sails... abandoning my fear amongst the passing seaweed...
....".... This is gotta be the good life....."
Peace to you in training. May belief carry you through, beyond your fears and into possibility.
Day 391 of running....
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Pausing past reflection
Saturdays always creep up on me.
Today the paper airplanes flew, the lego battles were won, the snowforts constructed and crumbled. Today the movie was watched snuggled together, today there were no naps, no quiet times, no play dates... Today there was teenage drama, there was four year old contemplative understandings of the interworkings of the dishwasher, the clogged drain, the superhero demeanor. Today there was the offical writing of a training plan into the planner so that every day I would know....
Saturdays creep up and seem to slip away just as fast. Teasing me with their brief moments of calm. Taunting me with temporary sibling cooperation. Today my son did planks with me. Today he ran with me. Today he told me that in english they had to pick someone to write about that they thought of as a role model and he chose me.... Thankfully we were running ... thankfully he didn't see my tears... thankfully he didn't hear my snort when I asked him why and he responded..."because I didn't know anyone else".....
Saturdays slide out of my reality faster than I can force a focus on them. They dissipate quietly into Sunday catch up and are seemingly lost forever amongst the Mons, Tues, Weds, Thurs, Fri....
Then just as unpredictably ... Saturdays seem to forever creep up on me again.
At the very beginnings of this half ironman training... I want to embrace that creep... I wish I had seen it coming. I wish I had prepared for quiet moments of God given happiness so evident in my life...
Run streak day 386... Peace to you in running from this humble blind runner :)
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Ode to my Cup of Coffee
Oh jumping bean in my cup... how inspiring you are. I wish I could sit calmly and sip. I take that back. I do not wish for that, but can you imagine that quiet? Can you imagine that stillness? My soul does not know such pause. As I sip, I greet new dreams as if they already exist. They flirt with my reality. They jingle around in my tummy, that intuitive place that sets you on fire. In the next moment I say these aspirations out loud. Why, dear coffee in my cup, do you move me so? Why, dear coffee in my cup, do you speak my words before I think them through? Why, dear coffee in my cup, do you create that feeling of invincibility down to my toes that I know will fade near the end of every race?
More importantly.... why do I let you?
And now, hands still warm from the cup of my weekend treat.... I dialled my most spontaneous guides number.... and ask that quizzical question that has been nagging my deeper consciousness...... "how would you feel about captaining my fixed gear tandem bike for 90km?"
I expected a laugh, a giggle, a moment of silence to suggest how insane I actually feel.
I get hardly to end of my question, barely to the intonation that should come when asking, and theres a "YES!" on the other end.
Then I get myself deeper into dreamland with every breath....
The commentary continues with much discussion of whether my tandem will actually survive such a distance. We decide my 1970's Doris is solid enough. We assume we are both crazy, I mean determined, enough. We conclude that we must conclude our conversation, our fantasy aired out loud.... we seem to both finish elated.
And in the next moment, with my hands still warm from that magical cup of cheap coffee.... the realization of the impending half ironman in July I just committed to.... Sinks down to the synaptic clefts of my every nerve impulse... Reality, it seems, leaks a bit of lactic acid with every neural firing.. leaving behind just enough of a kick in the ass to get me moving.....
Time to make my training plan. Time to write my eulogy. Or perhaps, time to stop pretending to be brave and actually start being so.
Either way, it is time.
peace to you in running and more..... on this freezing day 379 of running :)
More importantly.... why do I let you?
And now, hands still warm from the cup of my weekend treat.... I dialled my most spontaneous guides number.... and ask that quizzical question that has been nagging my deeper consciousness...... "how would you feel about captaining my fixed gear tandem bike for 90km?"
I expected a laugh, a giggle, a moment of silence to suggest how insane I actually feel.
I get hardly to end of my question, barely to the intonation that should come when asking, and theres a "YES!" on the other end.
Then I get myself deeper into dreamland with every breath....
The commentary continues with much discussion of whether my tandem will actually survive such a distance. We decide my 1970's Doris is solid enough. We assume we are both crazy, I mean determined, enough. We conclude that we must conclude our conversation, our fantasy aired out loud.... we seem to both finish elated.
And in the next moment, with my hands still warm from that magical cup of cheap coffee.... the realization of the impending half ironman in July I just committed to.... Sinks down to the synaptic clefts of my every nerve impulse... Reality, it seems, leaks a bit of lactic acid with every neural firing.. leaving behind just enough of a kick in the ass to get me moving.....
Time to make my training plan. Time to write my eulogy. Or perhaps, time to stop pretending to be brave and actually start being so.
Either way, it is time.
peace to you in running and more..... on this freezing day 379 of running :)
Friday, January 6, 2012
Endlessness
Day dreaming. That's how I feel I entered this new year, this fresh calendar page. As if dancing in chaos at a costume party. Only I have forgotten my mask. I have forgotten the dance steps. I have misplaced my motive along the way, amongst the flu, intermixed with the nauseous calls of "mommy" in the dark, splattered against the overdue bills that wallpaper the house I must prep for sale.
And yet somehow, with the reassurance of my friends, both online and not, my family and my stubbornness.... I made it through the year. The 365 days someone so off-handedly suggested I couldn't run. I still breathe, although currently its entwined with spasms of coughs that land me on the floor when no one is looking. I still feel my heart pumping the blood that carried life through me for the year. I hear it most in my plugged ears that have forsaken me to infection, congestion or otherwise, thus stealing perception beyond belief. I thank my lovely children for sharing this cold, this virus that has taken its turn with each of us, a week at a time, over the last month. I thank them for their endless hugs and snotty noses, the ones I will miss when my house is silent not too many years from now.
So through a fog, through a haze, a fever or two.... my goal has been reached. 365 consecutive days of running through 2011... bringing with it 2011km of distance run. For each drop of sweet sweat and bitter crusting of mud, I am thankful. So thankful. To have been capable, to have been able. Funny how little that word means to me...."able".... Too often trapped in my own self identity as "disabled"... For whom?
My self labelling helps the world understand my clumsiness. Helps me to find ways to 'adapt' (also a word I carry distaste for). My self labelling, not meant derogatory, not meant to be infused with 'can'ts' but to carry some semblance of 'perhaps' and 'maybe'...
I am not that calm. I am not that patient. I am not that mild.
I am the lion that charges in. I am the "watch me" that forces all doubt to the wall. I am the child that likely gave my mother a heart attack everyday.
I am the "here and now" that planned every step through the quicksand, too angry to sit by and wait for someone to figure out the route.
And now, here are my thanks, here are my hopes and dreams of one challenge done. Here is me saying I am nothing without those that push me. I am nothing without those who love me. I am nothing without support. I am forever thankful, forever grateful....
Back to that fresh calendar page, so taunting and new. Back to that new challenge so simple and true. Back to that me that can't turn down a fight. Back to that inhale just before we take flight.
2012 goals... let it be known... I already botched one....
- limit of one cup of coffee a day (can you guess which one I blew?)
- to run 2012km in the year
- to run my first ultra in october 50km
- to read 12 good books
- to stretch more (ouch)
- one complete surprise I will not tell....
And because I haven't decided to give up my runstreak... I'm still running at least 1km every day (challenging as I still feel like a festering piece of dung, but that will pass I'm sure)... It seems I haven't said good-bye to it yet. I'm sure there will come a day when I do not wish to run. Today is not that day. And so we continue.
Peace to you all in running and more :)
And yet somehow, with the reassurance of my friends, both online and not, my family and my stubbornness.... I made it through the year. The 365 days someone so off-handedly suggested I couldn't run. I still breathe, although currently its entwined with spasms of coughs that land me on the floor when no one is looking. I still feel my heart pumping the blood that carried life through me for the year. I hear it most in my plugged ears that have forsaken me to infection, congestion or otherwise, thus stealing perception beyond belief. I thank my lovely children for sharing this cold, this virus that has taken its turn with each of us, a week at a time, over the last month. I thank them for their endless hugs and snotty noses, the ones I will miss when my house is silent not too many years from now.
So through a fog, through a haze, a fever or two.... my goal has been reached. 365 consecutive days of running through 2011... bringing with it 2011km of distance run. For each drop of sweet sweat and bitter crusting of mud, I am thankful. So thankful. To have been capable, to have been able. Funny how little that word means to me...."able".... Too often trapped in my own self identity as "disabled"... For whom?
My self labelling helps the world understand my clumsiness. Helps me to find ways to 'adapt' (also a word I carry distaste for). My self labelling, not meant derogatory, not meant to be infused with 'can'ts' but to carry some semblance of 'perhaps' and 'maybe'...
I am not that calm. I am not that patient. I am not that mild.
I am the lion that charges in. I am the "watch me" that forces all doubt to the wall. I am the child that likely gave my mother a heart attack everyday.
I am the "here and now" that planned every step through the quicksand, too angry to sit by and wait for someone to figure out the route.
And now, here are my thanks, here are my hopes and dreams of one challenge done. Here is me saying I am nothing without those that push me. I am nothing without those who love me. I am nothing without support. I am forever thankful, forever grateful....
Back to that fresh calendar page, so taunting and new. Back to that new challenge so simple and true. Back to that me that can't turn down a fight. Back to that inhale just before we take flight.
2012 goals... let it be known... I already botched one....
- limit of one cup of coffee a day (can you guess which one I blew?)
- to run 2012km in the year
- to run my first ultra in october 50km
- to read 12 good books
- to stretch more (ouch)
- one complete surprise I will not tell....
And because I haven't decided to give up my runstreak... I'm still running at least 1km every day (challenging as I still feel like a festering piece of dung, but that will pass I'm sure)... It seems I haven't said good-bye to it yet. I'm sure there will come a day when I do not wish to run. Today is not that day. And so we continue.
Peace to you all in running and more :)
Monday, December 5, 2011
Contagious Motivation...
It's Day 339 of this year of running! For some miraculous reason I'm still alive !!!
Who knew?
1864.52km so far this year. Clinging to the hope of 2011km by the end. 27 runs left.
So here are my random ramblings for the day...
Some call them goals, others say dreams, it really doesn't matter. Inspiration, motivation, urge desire whatever... What does it take to see it through? What does it take to visualize the finish? We've seen the end of training, the end of the race, the goal time on the clock. But when have you done some crazy thing for absolutely no reason? People are asking me, why did you do this? For the cake I say. (because we celebrate with cake every 25 days)...
In truth I don't know why. Perhaps that is why. I wanted to fall in love with running. I wanted to want it. I wanted that yearning you feel for it in taper tantrum moments when all you can think of is the run. I wanted to embrace the disdain you have for it on the rainy forgetful busy chaotic days when the run doesn't fit. I wanted to let it soak in my soul and leave me feeling some sense of completion I haven't felt for years. I wanted to want it the way you preoccupy yourself with daydreams of that first kiss....
I wanted to know if I could....
If I could do it, if I could complete it, if I had it in me, if I could want it bad enough....
The question becomes, what motivates YOU? What drives you to that point of pushing yourself past the moment you knew all there was to know about yourself? What creates the need to know more? What wakes you up in the night with a the sense of determination in the air?
Is it a race? Is it a healthy lifestyle change? Is it a challenge from a friend? Is it a hope?
What plasters the picture of your future on your wall like a teenager self decorating?
More importantly.... what takes you there? What carries you through? What moves you from the dream to the reality? How do you get yourself in the poster?
Very infrequently miracles are stumbled on... especially if you are sitting still.
If you long to stub your toes on the little life changing miracles of accomplishment, you have to walk the path. Walk it fearless and barefoot. Walk it unleashed and unarmed. Walk it without regrets or someone else's judgement. Through the mud, through the tangled roots, over the rocks and under the shrubbery.
And when the bears start growling in the distance, instilling fear or doubt.... walk faster, think clearer.... Don't EVER give up. Life, it turns out... waits for no one. No matter how special you are.
And those.... are the ramblings of this blind girl....
Happy Monday!!!
Who knew?
1864.52km so far this year. Clinging to the hope of 2011km by the end. 27 runs left.
So here are my random ramblings for the day...
Some call them goals, others say dreams, it really doesn't matter. Inspiration, motivation, urge desire whatever... What does it take to see it through? What does it take to visualize the finish? We've seen the end of training, the end of the race, the goal time on the clock. But when have you done some crazy thing for absolutely no reason? People are asking me, why did you do this? For the cake I say. (because we celebrate with cake every 25 days)...
In truth I don't know why. Perhaps that is why. I wanted to fall in love with running. I wanted to want it. I wanted that yearning you feel for it in taper tantrum moments when all you can think of is the run. I wanted to embrace the disdain you have for it on the rainy forgetful busy chaotic days when the run doesn't fit. I wanted to let it soak in my soul and leave me feeling some sense of completion I haven't felt for years. I wanted to want it the way you preoccupy yourself with daydreams of that first kiss....
I wanted to know if I could....
If I could do it, if I could complete it, if I had it in me, if I could want it bad enough....
The question becomes, what motivates YOU? What drives you to that point of pushing yourself past the moment you knew all there was to know about yourself? What creates the need to know more? What wakes you up in the night with a the sense of determination in the air?
Is it a race? Is it a healthy lifestyle change? Is it a challenge from a friend? Is it a hope?
What plasters the picture of your future on your wall like a teenager self decorating?
More importantly.... what takes you there? What carries you through? What moves you from the dream to the reality? How do you get yourself in the poster?
Very infrequently miracles are stumbled on... especially if you are sitting still.
If you long to stub your toes on the little life changing miracles of accomplishment, you have to walk the path. Walk it fearless and barefoot. Walk it unleashed and unarmed. Walk it without regrets or someone else's judgement. Through the mud, through the tangled roots, over the rocks and under the shrubbery.
And when the bears start growling in the distance, instilling fear or doubt.... walk faster, think clearer.... Don't EVER give up. Life, it turns out... waits for no one. No matter how special you are.
And those.... are the ramblings of this blind girl....
Happy Monday!!!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Dirt under my nails
Everything is worth a fight... and the things that aren't worth the fight... well...
see they aren't even worth the words I could have said about them...
But the things that you know are worth a fight, worth your fight, are worth your absolutely everything.
Here is my biggest self discovery moment of the last 331 days. Are you ready? Got your cup of tea? Sitting down? It took me a while to get here, to this place of knowledge, or rather of acceptance... or rather of sweaty acknowledgement.... So in my thinking, you'd best be prepared for what follows....
I am a very intense person.
There I said it.
I don't know how to do anything "... a little bit". I don't feel fantastic dabbling in anything. If I'm gonna love - you better watch out, because I am in so deep you'll wish you had brought oxygen reserves. If I'm gonna study something, I'm gonna be the best that I'm capable of. If I'm gonna commit to something... like say running every day for a year... well then dam it... guess what?
There is nothing holding me back because there is such a huge amount of everything trying to. I don't even love the fight. I just seem to end up there, facing down my opponent and knowing in that last moment I may lose completely ... but it sure as hell won't be for lack of trying.
When I wake up in the morning the first thing I put on is my mental boxing gloves. Every time some small thing jumps in my path I stop and take that breath that decides my fate. Do I stand up to this? Will I let this defeat me? Can you see me on the other side? Can I? I've been asked this year... what are you afraid of?
Everything. Especially chaos.
but.....
put your gloves on.... (or running shoes as the case may be...)
There is no point in fighting the fight if you are not ready to embrace that chaos. Let it take you by the throat and move you to that place that dangles your feet just over the edge of hope and above the canyon of fear... Then take it by surprise every time by turning to face it and smiling. That's when the shock loosens it's grasp and you have your edge.
People are questioning my next years goals. What do you plan to do for a year now?
I .... I.... this me.... I fear ... maybe....
You know, sometimes, just looking into peoples eyes (especially when you know I'm legally blind and a bit of my behaviour traits)... sometimes, that's enough to make people shudder. It's not that I'm special, or important or better than. It's just too much truth in one moment of time for some people to accept. Too much truth, too much fight... too much stubbornness.
I'm afraid to set a 2012 goal, because I know I will keep it. There is still dirt under my nails from this years goal.
This year I have learned there is nothing you can't run through. Sickness, health, busy schedule, travel, broken hearts, new jobs, exams, graduations, post marathons, when someone is holding your hand, more importantly when no one is....
This year I have learned that running can be as much a part of me as breathing, washing, eating.
Next year I will have to learn that there can be a day WITHOUT running... Not a lesson I'm looking forward to learning.
And if you think you've lost your sense of humour.... get to day 331, where you've had a cold for a week, a migraine for 2 days, you're babysitting, you (remember 8% vision which means no driving) take 4 kids to the movies alone, your cat's in heat (again), your house is taking out stocks in tissues, the movie theater is 2.4km away and it's raining...
This is why you have a choice. Some things seem so karmicly chaotic that you can't help but laugh. You can't help but stop and embrace it all. It's still your day 331. You are still alive. And as someone else offers your kids a ride home after the movie, but has no room for you or the stroller... and you in jeans and a winter coat.. standing in the rain... have a choice.
Well I was, I figured, wearing running shoes after all.
todays run... (although I am hoping for more) day 331 of 365 days of running - 2.4km solo road run pushing an empty stroller through the rain, home from the movies... 15mins.
current total 1795.8km Still hoping for 2011km by the end of the year... 34 runs from now....
Peace to you in chaos :)
see they aren't even worth the words I could have said about them...
But the things that you know are worth a fight, worth your fight, are worth your absolutely everything.
Here is my biggest self discovery moment of the last 331 days. Are you ready? Got your cup of tea? Sitting down? It took me a while to get here, to this place of knowledge, or rather of acceptance... or rather of sweaty acknowledgement.... So in my thinking, you'd best be prepared for what follows....
I am a very intense person.
There I said it.
I don't know how to do anything "... a little bit". I don't feel fantastic dabbling in anything. If I'm gonna love - you better watch out, because I am in so deep you'll wish you had brought oxygen reserves. If I'm gonna study something, I'm gonna be the best that I'm capable of. If I'm gonna commit to something... like say running every day for a year... well then dam it... guess what?
There is nothing holding me back because there is such a huge amount of everything trying to. I don't even love the fight. I just seem to end up there, facing down my opponent and knowing in that last moment I may lose completely ... but it sure as hell won't be for lack of trying.
When I wake up in the morning the first thing I put on is my mental boxing gloves. Every time some small thing jumps in my path I stop and take that breath that decides my fate. Do I stand up to this? Will I let this defeat me? Can you see me on the other side? Can I? I've been asked this year... what are you afraid of?
Everything. Especially chaos.
but.....
put your gloves on.... (or running shoes as the case may be...)
There is no point in fighting the fight if you are not ready to embrace that chaos. Let it take you by the throat and move you to that place that dangles your feet just over the edge of hope and above the canyon of fear... Then take it by surprise every time by turning to face it and smiling. That's when the shock loosens it's grasp and you have your edge.
People are questioning my next years goals. What do you plan to do for a year now?
I .... I.... this me.... I fear ... maybe....
You know, sometimes, just looking into peoples eyes (especially when you know I'm legally blind and a bit of my behaviour traits)... sometimes, that's enough to make people shudder. It's not that I'm special, or important or better than. It's just too much truth in one moment of time for some people to accept. Too much truth, too much fight... too much stubbornness.
I'm afraid to set a 2012 goal, because I know I will keep it. There is still dirt under my nails from this years goal.
This year I have learned there is nothing you can't run through. Sickness, health, busy schedule, travel, broken hearts, new jobs, exams, graduations, post marathons, when someone is holding your hand, more importantly when no one is....
This year I have learned that running can be as much a part of me as breathing, washing, eating.
Next year I will have to learn that there can be a day WITHOUT running... Not a lesson I'm looking forward to learning.
And if you think you've lost your sense of humour.... get to day 331, where you've had a cold for a week, a migraine for 2 days, you're babysitting, you (remember 8% vision which means no driving) take 4 kids to the movies alone, your cat's in heat (again), your house is taking out stocks in tissues, the movie theater is 2.4km away and it's raining...
This is why you have a choice. Some things seem so karmicly chaotic that you can't help but laugh. You can't help but stop and embrace it all. It's still your day 331. You are still alive. And as someone else offers your kids a ride home after the movie, but has no room for you or the stroller... and you in jeans and a winter coat.. standing in the rain... have a choice.
Well I was, I figured, wearing running shoes after all.
todays run... (although I am hoping for more) day 331 of 365 days of running - 2.4km solo road run pushing an empty stroller through the rain, home from the movies... 15mins.
current total 1795.8km Still hoping for 2011km by the end of the year... 34 runs from now....
Peace to you in chaos :)
Saturday, November 19, 2011
It's always someones something...
Went for a run yesterday, because I'm stubborn. Snow on the ground enough to steal away most of my sight. No guide arranged. No help organized. This is not uncommon but in the snow... it is a problem. My run started at my house post school bus, travelled down to the path near my house, travelled up the path for just over 6k and then finally finished back up on the road that brought me to the YMCA for my favourite strength class. My feet, ever so cautiously moved me towards the trail... usually I can see the trail, the ground that looks bare in front of me. As if the trees backed up a smidge to allow my passage. But yesterday, the only hint of path I could make out.... was nothingness. This gap in space where something should have been. But here only brightness existed. Here only glare to force my eyes shut. Here only the devilish laughs of doubt. And still I ran. I ran as if I were running on a cloud ... visually lost my feet. I could see my black pants but my shoes dissapeared into the nothingness underfoot. So running I convinced myself every step I did in fact exist. I am here... I can feel me.
A lady ran past me. I said good morning to the movement as she passed. "where did the snow come from" she asked... "Not sure but It makes it hard to see" my response. "to see?" her question... her pace slowing in contemplating thought. "Oh you mean from the glare!" her resolution.. pace picking up again. Right I thought exactly.
She didn't know this was my day 322. She didn't know I was a legally blind runner. She didn't know anything beyond that fate gave us this sunrise to share this trail this moment in time. She didn't know, nor did she want that responsibility. She ran. She seemed free to me... running on the nothingness underfoot. As if a unicorn galloping among the clouds. And I let her go. Even though I longed to cling to that vision she could have shared. I let her travel ahead to the point where she was lost to me among the brightness. To the point where I couldn't even hear her.
After all, it may not be her day 322 but it certainly was her something. Let her be to embrace that something. Let her soul dance in a happy runner tango along this trail.
I ran and ran... Distance was lost to me. It wasn't a long run but I will tell you, if you want to forget how far you have to go... worry instead about falling into the creek along side the path of nothingness. It will take your mind off time and pace and distance. Everything becomes ghostly against a backdrop of "stay alive".
I met the lady again after she'd turned around, claiming her half way mark some distance ahead. "the bridge is slippery" she warning warmly as if her runner courtesy was accomplished. "thanks" I replied with a smile.... I let her have that moment of warmth in her head.... I did gain knowledge from her words... I now knew there was a bridge coming up. That was something. At least I could pretend to not be surprised when I hit it now. Things were looking up.
I couldn't look up. Up was all things staring into a flash light. Down made my head spin with my missing feet on the path of nothingness. So I did the only thing I knew how to do... Laugh and run.
When I hit the road again, the ground turned slippery and danger changed dynamics a bit. Now there was no creek but oncoming traffic to worry about. People hustled around on the road and the sidewalk I could barely make out. They had lives to live. They had errands to run. They had their somethings today. Their stories filled my heart as I travelled down the road. Each step reminding me .... today is not to be wasted.
After all today is always someones something....
Today is my day 323... Current total kms 1755
Go make your today awesome!
A lady ran past me. I said good morning to the movement as she passed. "where did the snow come from" she asked... "Not sure but It makes it hard to see" my response. "to see?" her question... her pace slowing in contemplating thought. "Oh you mean from the glare!" her resolution.. pace picking up again. Right I thought exactly.
She didn't know this was my day 322. She didn't know I was a legally blind runner. She didn't know anything beyond that fate gave us this sunrise to share this trail this moment in time. She didn't know, nor did she want that responsibility. She ran. She seemed free to me... running on the nothingness underfoot. As if a unicorn galloping among the clouds. And I let her go. Even though I longed to cling to that vision she could have shared. I let her travel ahead to the point where she was lost to me among the brightness. To the point where I couldn't even hear her.
After all, it may not be her day 322 but it certainly was her something. Let her be to embrace that something. Let her soul dance in a happy runner tango along this trail.
I ran and ran... Distance was lost to me. It wasn't a long run but I will tell you, if you want to forget how far you have to go... worry instead about falling into the creek along side the path of nothingness. It will take your mind off time and pace and distance. Everything becomes ghostly against a backdrop of "stay alive".
I met the lady again after she'd turned around, claiming her half way mark some distance ahead. "the bridge is slippery" she warning warmly as if her runner courtesy was accomplished. "thanks" I replied with a smile.... I let her have that moment of warmth in her head.... I did gain knowledge from her words... I now knew there was a bridge coming up. That was something. At least I could pretend to not be surprised when I hit it now. Things were looking up.
I couldn't look up. Up was all things staring into a flash light. Down made my head spin with my missing feet on the path of nothingness. So I did the only thing I knew how to do... Laugh and run.
When I hit the road again, the ground turned slippery and danger changed dynamics a bit. Now there was no creek but oncoming traffic to worry about. People hustled around on the road and the sidewalk I could barely make out. They had lives to live. They had errands to run. They had their somethings today. Their stories filled my heart as I travelled down the road. Each step reminding me .... today is not to be wasted.
After all today is always someones something....
Today is my day 323... Current total kms 1755
Go make your today awesome!
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
NEVER say never
Not in the quiet when you think no one's listening, not in the shower when you think the water drowns out your doubt, not uttered into your coffee hoping the sleepy slurp will mask the fear....
NEVER say never... because you don't really know when your soul will take you seriously.
Day 310 we took to the road in Hamilton Ontario and ran 42.2km past fields, through streets, too close to the water treatment plant, down the mountain on the highway and along a trail that made me want to run all day. As it turned out, all day took 4:59:03.... This my sweet surrender of self, this my beautiful culmination of blood, sweat and tears, this my tantric fantasy mixed into sharp shooting pains of doubt and fear... this my Boston Qualifying marathon time... This my next tattoo.
Never say never... someone may believe you.
Guide switch four days pre race... ask Rick how it feels to know not only are you guiding a marathon you haven't trained for, but also that there is a Boston hope lingering on the curb .... like the can you kick along the way home... Last minute daycare (Thank you MOM!!!!)... Last minute chaos... last minute cold and cough. Last minute near giving up. Last minute putting myself out there and realizing... I had to run this day anyway... It may as well be a marathon right?
Never say never... Someone is learning from you.
The wall I had hoped to find, certainly found me. At 36k in.. two steps past the farthest distance I ran in training. But that came after my fastest half 2hrs 24mins ... The wall came after I sang outloud with no voice on the top of that mountain. It smacked me in the face post waving and shouting at passing cars... making a fool of myself... loving every second, every millisecond... Then something happened...
Never say never... if you hold on to doubt it fills too much of your heart to let hope in.
We started to go down hill. I have never EVER felt that kind of pain in my life. I would rather birth ten babies than run downhill for 5k. I would rather be repeatedly run over by a truck than do that again. So much pain. We plugged through. I can't remember about 10k in the middle... Perhaps my guide will comment and fill in the hole here. I know at one point I ran solidly for a while with my eyes shut... in search of my happy place. That mystical thing I haven't been grasping much lately. But alas... much of that time between 25 and 35 is missing.
Never say never... You are someone's something.
35k in was our last walk break. We had stopped every 5k for fuel... at one water station I think I ran away (and into oncoming traffic) from Rick. Oops... sorry... girls gotta do right? Pain added a few extra short walks. But 35k was the last one. We were suppose to have another at 40k... Something magical happens after the wall comes. Something so otherworldly that no one can grasp the attention it takes to move into knowing anything else at that moment.
Never say never... Inspiration is born from the smallest flame.
36km... my wall... I didn't stop for. I felt it. Like a wave washing me clean of any emotion. There was nothing left in me there. even my pain was gone. I was immersed in this thing. Lost to its wonders and despair. I was standing alone at the edge of my universe. Oddly not seeking help. Oddly not looking at the view. Just running along the edge of sanity as if there was no fine lines left. As if the heavens sang out this next wrinkle we give you along your chin embodies this fight. As if the stars were out and the sun was in a tango with the moon. What did you do when you meet your wall? I knew there was no stopping. I knew it was now or never. And DAM it... NEVER say never to me...
Never say never... you may be counting on you....
What did I do? I cried, with abandon... as if nothing mattered... I remember saying "this is that place... that place where I haven't been... this is that place I was looking for" And all my tears melted tracks through the salt, through the effort, through the pain.. through the fear. It stopped my heart to realise....
Greatness is not a thing you can ever hold on to. It is not a noun you can own. It is a thing you can chase... it is a moving, breathing, living current... It is a verb. And baby... I wanna be a verb for the rest of my life.
Never say never... Someone might be writing a dictionary.
We did not stop at 40k. I asked if we still had a chance. My answer was "if we hurry". FUCK me... Hurry? now? 40k in? Hurry? Have you felt my pain? Oh hell lets hurry then... I have a Boston guide waiting... (CHEERS TO YOU BLUE!!!)... There's a fritter somewhere in this day. So hurry we did...
4:59:03 chip... 4:59:59 gun... Boston cut off time? Sight impaired... 5:00:00.
Never say never.... The feet believe what the heart tells them.
Thank you all for helping to see me through this crazy day in running :)
Day 313 of running current total 1696.74km
NEVER say never... because you don't really know when your soul will take you seriously.
Day 310 we took to the road in Hamilton Ontario and ran 42.2km past fields, through streets, too close to the water treatment plant, down the mountain on the highway and along a trail that made me want to run all day. As it turned out, all day took 4:59:03.... This my sweet surrender of self, this my beautiful culmination of blood, sweat and tears, this my tantric fantasy mixed into sharp shooting pains of doubt and fear... this my Boston Qualifying marathon time... This my next tattoo.
Never say never... someone may believe you.
Guide switch four days pre race... ask Rick how it feels to know not only are you guiding a marathon you haven't trained for, but also that there is a Boston hope lingering on the curb .... like the can you kick along the way home... Last minute daycare (Thank you MOM!!!!)... Last minute chaos... last minute cold and cough. Last minute near giving up. Last minute putting myself out there and realizing... I had to run this day anyway... It may as well be a marathon right?
Never say never... Someone is learning from you.
The wall I had hoped to find, certainly found me. At 36k in.. two steps past the farthest distance I ran in training. But that came after my fastest half 2hrs 24mins ... The wall came after I sang outloud with no voice on the top of that mountain. It smacked me in the face post waving and shouting at passing cars... making a fool of myself... loving every second, every millisecond... Then something happened...
Never say never... if you hold on to doubt it fills too much of your heart to let hope in.
We started to go down hill. I have never EVER felt that kind of pain in my life. I would rather birth ten babies than run downhill for 5k. I would rather be repeatedly run over by a truck than do that again. So much pain. We plugged through. I can't remember about 10k in the middle... Perhaps my guide will comment and fill in the hole here. I know at one point I ran solidly for a while with my eyes shut... in search of my happy place. That mystical thing I haven't been grasping much lately. But alas... much of that time between 25 and 35 is missing.
Never say never... You are someone's something.
35k in was our last walk break. We had stopped every 5k for fuel... at one water station I think I ran away (and into oncoming traffic) from Rick. Oops... sorry... girls gotta do right? Pain added a few extra short walks. But 35k was the last one. We were suppose to have another at 40k... Something magical happens after the wall comes. Something so otherworldly that no one can grasp the attention it takes to move into knowing anything else at that moment.
Never say never... Inspiration is born from the smallest flame.
36km... my wall... I didn't stop for. I felt it. Like a wave washing me clean of any emotion. There was nothing left in me there. even my pain was gone. I was immersed in this thing. Lost to its wonders and despair. I was standing alone at the edge of my universe. Oddly not seeking help. Oddly not looking at the view. Just running along the edge of sanity as if there was no fine lines left. As if the heavens sang out this next wrinkle we give you along your chin embodies this fight. As if the stars were out and the sun was in a tango with the moon. What did you do when you meet your wall? I knew there was no stopping. I knew it was now or never. And DAM it... NEVER say never to me...
Never say never... you may be counting on you....
What did I do? I cried, with abandon... as if nothing mattered... I remember saying "this is that place... that place where I haven't been... this is that place I was looking for" And all my tears melted tracks through the salt, through the effort, through the pain.. through the fear. It stopped my heart to realise....
Greatness is not a thing you can ever hold on to. It is not a noun you can own. It is a thing you can chase... it is a moving, breathing, living current... It is a verb. And baby... I wanna be a verb for the rest of my life.
Never say never... Someone might be writing a dictionary.
We did not stop at 40k. I asked if we still had a chance. My answer was "if we hurry". FUCK me... Hurry? now? 40k in? Hurry? Have you felt my pain? Oh hell lets hurry then... I have a Boston guide waiting... (CHEERS TO YOU BLUE!!!)... There's a fritter somewhere in this day. So hurry we did...
4:59:03 chip... 4:59:59 gun... Boston cut off time? Sight impaired... 5:00:00.
Never say never.... The feet believe what the heart tells them.
Thank you all for helping to see me through this crazy day in running :)
Day 313 of running current total 1696.74km
Sunday, October 30, 2011
run on sentences....
The thing about running is there are so many many things... there is more than shoes and hope and faith and effort... there is an endless supply of run on sentences in your head on the trail...
There is a need that comes in the middle of the night before a race. It takes you by surprise when you were quite comfortable in your thinking before slumber. The you that went to bed was excited, nervous, anxious, ready... The you that wakes you up in the middle of a quiet blissful dream is more on edge, determined, focused, impatient and resolute.
Your challenge in life becomes about bridging that gap between the you that was and the you that seems oh so present and about ready to birth itself in this new found reality you've created.
You realise, you ARE a runner, good, bad or slow, fast... doesn't matter... The you that lays in bed staring up at the ceiling so mesmerized by the cobwebs and your hopeful cleansing... that you is a runner. Whether injured or trained, whether starting or finishing... a runner.
The most insane moment of my training, this crazy ass training that seemed so important at the time... was about ten seconds ago... when I discovered the part of my upcoming marathon I was looking forward to the most is the part where it all falls apart. That moment when my feet give up and my heart has to take over... Or further, when my heart says screw you you babbling idiot... and my stubbornness gets to win the day... I cannot wait to meet my wall, greet my wall and embrace it, breathe it in... Swim in it a while and feel its calm caress against my will power. As if to say ... "are you sure?"
Just between you and me and all things in chaos... .... ....
I have never been so sure...
I am a runner... I was not born this way. I was not made this way.
I ran this way.
Day 304 of 365 days of running... current total 1625.24km
Full marathon seven days away :)
There is a need that comes in the middle of the night before a race. It takes you by surprise when you were quite comfortable in your thinking before slumber. The you that went to bed was excited, nervous, anxious, ready... The you that wakes you up in the middle of a quiet blissful dream is more on edge, determined, focused, impatient and resolute.
Your challenge in life becomes about bridging that gap between the you that was and the you that seems oh so present and about ready to birth itself in this new found reality you've created.
You realise, you ARE a runner, good, bad or slow, fast... doesn't matter... The you that lays in bed staring up at the ceiling so mesmerized by the cobwebs and your hopeful cleansing... that you is a runner. Whether injured or trained, whether starting or finishing... a runner.
The most insane moment of my training, this crazy ass training that seemed so important at the time... was about ten seconds ago... when I discovered the part of my upcoming marathon I was looking forward to the most is the part where it all falls apart. That moment when my feet give up and my heart has to take over... Or further, when my heart says screw you you babbling idiot... and my stubbornness gets to win the day... I cannot wait to meet my wall, greet my wall and embrace it, breathe it in... Swim in it a while and feel its calm caress against my will power. As if to say ... "are you sure?"
Just between you and me and all things in chaos... .... ....
I have never been so sure...
I am a runner... I was not born this way. I was not made this way.
I ran this way.
Day 304 of 365 days of running... current total 1625.24km
Full marathon seven days away :)
Friday, October 14, 2011
... as if I could
The day you learn to trust yourself is usually the day that fate or destiny or karma or God or 'insert descriptive here' decides to throw something new in your face that cannot be ignored. This day when you wake up and have such a mental realization as to start your life anew in all things you were missing... this day is the day your adaptation to change just begins. It's the day that pushes your every button, the moment when you genuinely believed for a few paralysing moments you had things figured out. The coffee tastes too perfectly perked, the breeze blows just right across your face so as not to cause frizzy hair, the embrace you'd been longing for is suddenly offered, and all the heavens appear to inhale at once allowing for your heartbeat to fill the air in solitude.
Then something changes... Or perhaps... you change.
The creamer for the coffee is sour, making you ponder whether or not you should cut back. The child who was completely at peace in one moment is now dissolved in tears over a unsolvable issue ... like a broken graham cracker. The hairspray bottle is empty and your goal of impressing someone today drifts into allowing them to see you all too clearly... when all you wished for was one moment of time when your best foot landed first. That relative calls with strange altering news. The babysitter cancels making your breath increase. And all the heavens seem to laugh as if to watch your coping tactics in that moment when your heartbeat overfills your chest and life is, you realise, in flux again.
A run is like this.... especially if you are in the training for some big goal and everything is going well. You start to trust yourself. You start to let things be as they are. You are so focused on focus you don't see the injury coming. How did that happen? How did that cosmic crash end up in your front yard like a pile of elephant dung you managed to not only tread in, but completely cover yourself in?
And how do you breathe in that moment when all your body is feeling disappointment and lack of hope?
Every day in those weeks between feeling great and wanting to conquer the world and the realization that things will have to change, that you are in fact not invincible... every day feels like forever. Every day feels like a loss. It sparks such mourning in my soul as to prompt a ritual ceremony from the dark ages. Bring on the drums, lite the fire, send the smoke signals in the air, dance the mystical dance of healing and pray, chant, focus. Let the doves fly free, let the horizon clear with the dawn fog, dissipating in the distance like a curtain lifting. And all of life in balance. Please... heal.
Support comes in waves from friends, family and others. All of which I am grateful for. All of which I am thankful for. In the palm of one hand are those that believe my goal for this year is manageable, is worth completion. It is problematic to ask for help when you know 9 out of 10 people will tell you "this is your fault, stop running".
Stop running? as if I could. as if I had a choice.... there is so much of me scattered out among the fall leaves that I need to collect.... there is so much of me I am still piecing back together... there is so much of me needing this cleanse, this healing, this last 77 days, three races, four cakes and one soul changing journey.
Stop running? the mirror cracks so close to repair... the shoe laces far too close to untangled... the delicate frowns nearing undone... the strength I seek in myself so figuratively unearthed... Have you felt the ground underfoot ? It calls to me like a child in the night, like a soul mate in the quiet dream, like heaven in tall grass and bare feet.
Running... allows me to center, gives me focus, grants me peace... helps to ground me to this balance and patience I seem to search for, seem to yearn for.
Such a long two weeks of recovery. And still so much time ahead of slower pace, of listening to my capabilities every day, every minute, every step. All you can do is..... Be here now. This my day 288 I ran, as I did yesterday, as - God willing- I will tomorrow.
Peace to you in running, May your every step bring a fresh ability to adapt to whatever change you are dealing with in life.
Day 288 current total of 365 days of running - 1549.98km
Then something changes... Or perhaps... you change.
The creamer for the coffee is sour, making you ponder whether or not you should cut back. The child who was completely at peace in one moment is now dissolved in tears over a unsolvable issue ... like a broken graham cracker. The hairspray bottle is empty and your goal of impressing someone today drifts into allowing them to see you all too clearly... when all you wished for was one moment of time when your best foot landed first. That relative calls with strange altering news. The babysitter cancels making your breath increase. And all the heavens seem to laugh as if to watch your coping tactics in that moment when your heartbeat overfills your chest and life is, you realise, in flux again.
A run is like this.... especially if you are in the training for some big goal and everything is going well. You start to trust yourself. You start to let things be as they are. You are so focused on focus you don't see the injury coming. How did that happen? How did that cosmic crash end up in your front yard like a pile of elephant dung you managed to not only tread in, but completely cover yourself in?
And how do you breathe in that moment when all your body is feeling disappointment and lack of hope?
Every day in those weeks between feeling great and wanting to conquer the world and the realization that things will have to change, that you are in fact not invincible... every day feels like forever. Every day feels like a loss. It sparks such mourning in my soul as to prompt a ritual ceremony from the dark ages. Bring on the drums, lite the fire, send the smoke signals in the air, dance the mystical dance of healing and pray, chant, focus. Let the doves fly free, let the horizon clear with the dawn fog, dissipating in the distance like a curtain lifting. And all of life in balance. Please... heal.
Support comes in waves from friends, family and others. All of which I am grateful for. All of which I am thankful for. In the palm of one hand are those that believe my goal for this year is manageable, is worth completion. It is problematic to ask for help when you know 9 out of 10 people will tell you "this is your fault, stop running".
Stop running? as if I could. as if I had a choice.... there is so much of me scattered out among the fall leaves that I need to collect.... there is so much of me I am still piecing back together... there is so much of me needing this cleanse, this healing, this last 77 days, three races, four cakes and one soul changing journey.
Stop running? the mirror cracks so close to repair... the shoe laces far too close to untangled... the delicate frowns nearing undone... the strength I seek in myself so figuratively unearthed... Have you felt the ground underfoot ? It calls to me like a child in the night, like a soul mate in the quiet dream, like heaven in tall grass and bare feet.
Running... allows me to center, gives me focus, grants me peace... helps to ground me to this balance and patience I seem to search for, seem to yearn for.
Such a long two weeks of recovery. And still so much time ahead of slower pace, of listening to my capabilities every day, every minute, every step. All you can do is..... Be here now. This my day 288 I ran, as I did yesterday, as - God willing- I will tomorrow.
Peace to you in running, May your every step bring a fresh ability to adapt to whatever change you are dealing with in life.
Day 288 current total of 365 days of running - 1549.98km
Saturday, August 27, 2011
When you are ready...
I have to tell the tale of day 238 and how this all came to be... I have to spin the web of glorious everyday nothingness and see if I can pinpoint when it happened. I've been a runner for officially three years this week. I've never in my life been in this place. Right here, where I sit.. I feel ready, very nearly comfortable in my own skin and in the flow of some very sweet karma. Being comfortable in my own skin is the biggest accomplishment to date. I share a delicate love hate relationship with food and all things self imposing. However I've been winning this fight for a while. Lately... I haven't even noticed it around. I figure that counts beyond words, beyond all memories made and moments you'd like to forget forever. I feel ready for what's coming. Sprint tri (my first) a week from tomorrow. And here I am... prepared in body and mind. Here I stand being brave in the balance of an upcoming taper. Here I stand tall when no one was looking. Here I stand tall for me. Here I stand.... ready.
750m open water tethered swim, 20km tandem fixed gear bike on hills we've never climbed, 5km tethered run.... I've only run tethered for 700m.
I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and singing outloud highly off key... embracing this chaos of my life and riding the waves with nothing but my wetsuit on. I feel like this time for me. This time for me.
Day 238 was the day. The magic started a few days before while running hills with extra weight trying to confuse myself into believing me capable. That moment when you forget you are carrying anything.... That moment when you reach the top and know you did this... one step at a time. I knew the flood gates were open. Day 238 was my longest run. 26km guided trail run. I haven't run that far in over 7 months. Didn't know what to think but entered that run with an open heart and a spirit to find out what was possible.
My guide and I moved through those kms like they were candy; each more sweet than the last. Above is our turn around point. We saw the sunrise on that trail and I saw hope right there in front of me. Every possible barrier to my success in life stepped aside to grant me a glimpse of hope. Hope is beautiful, hope is wholesome, hope is calmness and energy tangled together, hope is better than any words I could write to its credit.
Post run, no queasiness, no fear, no lingering soreness... In fact we went to the YMCA in town and attended our favourite class... "Simply strength" Every time I go to this class I feel like I've found a bit more of me lost in the droplets of sweat. Our instructor knows I am a runner, however I did not inform him before just how far I'd gone. Whether he could see my fatigue during class or not I'm not sure. Just my luck we were working legs during this class. After class I did tell him and managed to snap a picture of this wonderful trainer.... Wesley ... Cheers to you!
750m open water tethered swim, 20km tandem fixed gear bike on hills we've never climbed, 5km tethered run.... I've only run tethered for 700m.
I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and singing outloud highly off key... embracing this chaos of my life and riding the waves with nothing but my wetsuit on. I feel like this time for me. This time for me.
Day 238 was the day. The magic started a few days before while running hills with extra weight trying to confuse myself into believing me capable. That moment when you forget you are carrying anything.... That moment when you reach the top and know you did this... one step at a time. I knew the flood gates were open. Day 238 was my longest run. 26km guided trail run. I haven't run that far in over 7 months. Didn't know what to think but entered that run with an open heart and a spirit to find out what was possible.
My guide and I moved through those kms like they were candy; each more sweet than the last. Above is our turn around point. We saw the sunrise on that trail and I saw hope right there in front of me. Every possible barrier to my success in life stepped aside to grant me a glimpse of hope. Hope is beautiful, hope is wholesome, hope is calmness and energy tangled together, hope is better than any words I could write to its credit.
Post run, no queasiness, no fear, no lingering soreness... In fact we went to the YMCA in town and attended our favourite class... "Simply strength" Every time I go to this class I feel like I've found a bit more of me lost in the droplets of sweat. Our instructor knows I am a runner, however I did not inform him before just how far I'd gone. Whether he could see my fatigue during class or not I'm not sure. Just my luck we were working legs during this class. After class I did tell him and managed to snap a picture of this wonderful trainer.... Wesley ... Cheers to you!
Everyone should have someone who kicks their butt once in a while....
After the class and the run... I have to say I just knew. This is it. I will be able to run a full marathon in Novemeber. Sometimes the hope is in the knowing. Sometimes hope is in the believing anyways... sometimes the hope is in your blood and you can't deny it. You can't deny it or your future.
So here we are day 239 and I've biked 20km, swam 1500m, run a superfast (for me) treadmill km... and have no pain to report. No doubts and no pains. Chaffing and blisters aside my only complaint is that the world need to spin a little slower for me to enjoy ... for me to savour every last second ... of these 365 days.
day 239 of 365 days of running current total 1274.28km
Monday, August 22, 2011
This me
This me, woke up this morning and decided that today would be all I made it out to be. This me, danced in the rain on the 7th km of a 23km run yesterday. This me made tea today and sat down and had a nearly life changing conversation with myself about the power that potential holds. This me, crumbled in the corner... will not give up. This me, can make that fixed geared bike go up that mountain tomorrow. This me, will swim fearlessly in that water hiding my future so brightly on the sunrise. This me, stuck in the memory of failure, will not give in. This me, will move with the beat of my own drum, will sing out loud when people are listening, will not look back (kinda pointless anyway right?). This me, will be in your face until you show me the right direction, or at least get the heck out of the way! This me, in these unattractive stained running shoes, will not care what you think. This me, is terrified. This me, will run those miles, will make a memory worth keeping. This me, .... There was a point..... This me... This me... Is racing again in 13 days. And needed to vent.
This me, will make this a race you wish you'd seen. This me, will make this me proud.
This me, will make this a race you wish you'd seen. This me, will make this me proud.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Claiming ownership of titles.... I am a runner.
Footsteps in the sand, bring me to face hope disadvantaged in its disguise as fear....
Footsteps in the dirt, spin time and focus disregard into the treeline quite near...
Shuffling feet on that trail so well travelled.....
Disturbed mudpuddles keep me distantly unravelled....
Hear my feet, here my feet, lose them in timeless moments of being me here and now.
Drops of sweat on my sleeve, rendering effort spent countlessly caring not....
Drops of sweat on my cheeks, eloquently masking for all that I've fought....
Undone laces on that trail so often spanned....
Ever altered landscape casting disillusion on the preplanned...
Hear my feet, here my feet, find them in endless moments of quiet chaos on the road.
I am a runner.
Footsteps in the dirt, spin time and focus disregard into the treeline quite near...
Shuffling feet on that trail so well travelled.....
Disturbed mudpuddles keep me distantly unravelled....
Hear my feet, here my feet, lose them in timeless moments of being me here and now.
Drops of sweat on my sleeve, rendering effort spent countlessly caring not....
Drops of sweat on my cheeks, eloquently masking for all that I've fought....
Undone laces on that trail so often spanned....
Ever altered landscape casting disillusion on the preplanned...
Hear my feet, here my feet, find them in endless moments of quiet chaos on the road.
I am a runner.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The end of the beginning
There's a moment when you know you can't stop, you know that somehow you've built up so much energy that inertia alone will carry you through the next terrifying moments of chaos.
When you are standing there, staring tentatively downhill at the obstacle before you knowing that the skiis are strapped on, the parachute is ready, the lights about to turn green and pink slips are on the line.... when you are quivering in your core at the thought of the next five seconds.....
Inevitably that's when you'll worry if you've tied your shoes.
Gates are open! Tapers done! Everyone says things like "we knew you could" "we never doubted" and you imagine having for an instant that kind of commitment to belief.....
And if you knew, Why the heck did God keep it from me?
Four sleeps until race day. Four sleeps until waking up and not crying in front of the kids in fear of leaving my glasses on the beach. Four sleeps, three runs and ten million cups of tea. But you believed and that means something. I never did. I was just trying to prove you wrong.
Four sleeps, one squeaky bike, a near hole in my wetsuit and the tremble in my tummy that shifts my hunger out of reality. Four sleeps and ten millions thoughts of what could go wrong. Four sleeps, three runs and one more strength class .... Taper does not live here. But you believed and that counts against it all. I never did. I hoped, I thought maybe... I think now wouldn't it be nice....
Memories of sweat, thoughts of the space between running up half the hill and making all the way up over weeks of time. Growth and strength lost to me. It's hard to watch the baby grow in your arms. It's hard to drink from the cup of life with a hole in your straw.
.... time to let go and trust. Time enough for this. Time enough for me.
But none of it possible without you believing and supporting - thank you all for that.
When you are standing there, staring tentatively downhill at the obstacle before you knowing that the skiis are strapped on, the parachute is ready, the lights about to turn green and pink slips are on the line.... when you are quivering in your core at the thought of the next five seconds.....
Inevitably that's when you'll worry if you've tied your shoes.
Gates are open! Tapers done! Everyone says things like "we knew you could" "we never doubted" and you imagine having for an instant that kind of commitment to belief.....
And if you knew, Why the heck did God keep it from me?
Four sleeps until race day. Four sleeps until waking up and not crying in front of the kids in fear of leaving my glasses on the beach. Four sleeps, three runs and ten million cups of tea. But you believed and that means something. I never did. I was just trying to prove you wrong.
Four sleeps, one squeaky bike, a near hole in my wetsuit and the tremble in my tummy that shifts my hunger out of reality. Four sleeps and ten millions thoughts of what could go wrong. Four sleeps, three runs and one more strength class .... Taper does not live here. But you believed and that counts against it all. I never did. I hoped, I thought maybe... I think now wouldn't it be nice....
Memories of sweat, thoughts of the space between running up half the hill and making all the way up over weeks of time. Growth and strength lost to me. It's hard to watch the baby grow in your arms. It's hard to drink from the cup of life with a hole in your straw.
.... time to let go and trust. Time enough for this. Time enough for me.
But none of it possible without you believing and supporting - thank you all for that.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Triathlon Training Tantrums
Four weeks to race day. My first ever tri... Four weeks until I lose the glasses that protect me from so much and give up and give in and give everything - plus a drop of sweat. Four weeks left to jump in the water and push myself. Four weeks of promises kept. Four weeks of courage and strength and sleepless nights worrying about disappointing onlookers. Four weeks of deceivingly slow calm sips of coffee when you're looking and frantic gasping when you've turned away.
Four weeks to stand up straight and practice the picture pose. The one you'll see and I won't. Four weeks of .... waiting, trying, hoping. Four weeks of training.
Today I swam 1km in the pool beside a boy half my age with perfect form. His breast stroke was twice the speed of my crawl. His waves were synchronized in such an intimidating fashion. The force of his stroke and speed pushed me against the ropes. It took my breath away and rammed pool water in the tiny intricate spaces of my lungs where only air should be permitted. I hated it. I cursed his approach every lap.
Then the pool cleared out and he moved over to the next lane. I nearly asked him to come back. Return the chaos to my swim. I'm soon to be lost in it. I'm soon to be stuck in it. Forcing me to breathe tactlessly, gracelessly and with a hunger that only a labouring woman would know.
I closed my eyes. I swam faster. I pushed and hoped the clock would stop. The funny thing is I wasn't racing for a personal best, I wasn't trying to find my limits. I just knew that my daycare in the gym was about to end. Hurry hurry... I'm nearly done kids.
It did come out my personal best. I managed to only throw in 4 laps of breast stroke in 40 of crawl. 27mins. I'll take it. I'll thank my kids. Do what you can with what you have. I had 28mins.... It all worked out.
It came after a bike, a run and a workout. There was another young man spinning beside me at the gym. He asked me (during his endless uphill ride in which he never sat down) if I cycle a lot. I do not. I'm a runner I said.
Who am I to say what I am? I haven't lived my life yet. I am anything. I am everything. I am transitioning. Hmm... fitting for tri training.
15km spin today... 25:06min. I wanted to stay on that bike until he had to sit down. Until he gave into the need that his legs created and crumbled. Not to see him fall, but to watch him get back up and try again. Motivation comes from odd places. I had 26mins set aside for cycling. It all worked out. I'll be there kids.
The treadmill makes me dizzy. When the only thing that you base your foot strike on it the passing wind, or the sound of others footsteps and then nothing is actually moving... It's problematic. I climbed the speed in the familiar ladder I was used to. Only the treadmill was on the other side of the gym, and the sun was glaring on the panel. Thinking I was at 6.8 I managed to hold 7.0 for a full min.
Who am I to say who I am? I haven't lived my life yet.
Run was 3km 15:26mins. I had 15mins set aside for the run.. I figured.... the spin was faster and I hadn't fallen on my face walking to the treadmill so why not? I'm on my way kids....
The mat and I share more sweat than I'd care to admit. The odd time I can catch the glisten of the bead as it reflects off my glasses on its way down. It speaks to me, it says... I am leaving but you are beginning. And I wonder... Is this what you see?
Time holds meaning beyond meaning for me. It's the one thing I do not have any of in my life and the one thing that seems constantly stolen from me. They say no one can take what you do not willingly give.
In the mean'time' my bistro set sits unattended, lonely and sullen. It says stop waiting for someone to make you tea and take your hand and walk you here... come and sit and be still....
This is my tantrum. This is my training vice. Time and space..... And a quiet cup of tea.
day 197 of 365 days of running current total 1014.23km
Four weeks to stand up straight and practice the picture pose. The one you'll see and I won't. Four weeks of .... waiting, trying, hoping. Four weeks of training.
Today I swam 1km in the pool beside a boy half my age with perfect form. His breast stroke was twice the speed of my crawl. His waves were synchronized in such an intimidating fashion. The force of his stroke and speed pushed me against the ropes. It took my breath away and rammed pool water in the tiny intricate spaces of my lungs where only air should be permitted. I hated it. I cursed his approach every lap.
Then the pool cleared out and he moved over to the next lane. I nearly asked him to come back. Return the chaos to my swim. I'm soon to be lost in it. I'm soon to be stuck in it. Forcing me to breathe tactlessly, gracelessly and with a hunger that only a labouring woman would know.
I closed my eyes. I swam faster. I pushed and hoped the clock would stop. The funny thing is I wasn't racing for a personal best, I wasn't trying to find my limits. I just knew that my daycare in the gym was about to end. Hurry hurry... I'm nearly done kids.
It did come out my personal best. I managed to only throw in 4 laps of breast stroke in 40 of crawl. 27mins. I'll take it. I'll thank my kids. Do what you can with what you have. I had 28mins.... It all worked out.
It came after a bike, a run and a workout. There was another young man spinning beside me at the gym. He asked me (during his endless uphill ride in which he never sat down) if I cycle a lot. I do not. I'm a runner I said.
Who am I to say what I am? I haven't lived my life yet. I am anything. I am everything. I am transitioning. Hmm... fitting for tri training.
15km spin today... 25:06min. I wanted to stay on that bike until he had to sit down. Until he gave into the need that his legs created and crumbled. Not to see him fall, but to watch him get back up and try again. Motivation comes from odd places. I had 26mins set aside for cycling. It all worked out. I'll be there kids.
The treadmill makes me dizzy. When the only thing that you base your foot strike on it the passing wind, or the sound of others footsteps and then nothing is actually moving... It's problematic. I climbed the speed in the familiar ladder I was used to. Only the treadmill was on the other side of the gym, and the sun was glaring on the panel. Thinking I was at 6.8 I managed to hold 7.0 for a full min.
Who am I to say who I am? I haven't lived my life yet.
Run was 3km 15:26mins. I had 15mins set aside for the run.. I figured.... the spin was faster and I hadn't fallen on my face walking to the treadmill so why not? I'm on my way kids....
The mat and I share more sweat than I'd care to admit. The odd time I can catch the glisten of the bead as it reflects off my glasses on its way down. It speaks to me, it says... I am leaving but you are beginning. And I wonder... Is this what you see?
Time holds meaning beyond meaning for me. It's the one thing I do not have any of in my life and the one thing that seems constantly stolen from me. They say no one can take what you do not willingly give.
In the mean'time' my bistro set sits unattended, lonely and sullen. It says stop waiting for someone to make you tea and take your hand and walk you here... come and sit and be still....
This is my tantrum. This is my training vice. Time and space..... And a quiet cup of tea.
day 197 of 365 days of running current total 1014.23km
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