Oh jumping bean in my cup... how inspiring you are. I wish I could sit calmly and sip. I take that back. I do not wish for that, but can you imagine that quiet? Can you imagine that stillness? My soul does not know such pause. As I sip, I greet new dreams as if they already exist. They flirt with my reality. They jingle around in my tummy, that intuitive place that sets you on fire. In the next moment I say these aspirations out loud. Why, dear coffee in my cup, do you move me so? Why, dear coffee in my cup, do you speak my words before I think them through? Why, dear coffee in my cup, do you create that feeling of invincibility down to my toes that I know will fade near the end of every race?
More importantly.... why do I let you?
And now, hands still warm from the cup of my weekend treat.... I dialled my most spontaneous guides number.... and ask that quizzical question that has been nagging my deeper consciousness...... "how would you feel about captaining my fixed gear tandem bike for 90km?"
I expected a laugh, a giggle, a moment of silence to suggest how insane I actually feel.
I get hardly to end of my question, barely to the intonation that should come when asking, and theres a "YES!" on the other end.
Then I get myself deeper into dreamland with every breath....
The commentary continues with much discussion of whether my tandem will actually survive such a distance. We decide my 1970's Doris is solid enough. We assume we are both crazy, I mean determined, enough. We conclude that we must conclude our conversation, our fantasy aired out loud.... we seem to both finish elated.
And in the next moment, with my hands still warm from that magical cup of cheap coffee.... the realization of the impending half ironman in July I just committed to.... Sinks down to the synaptic clefts of my every nerve impulse... Reality, it seems, leaks a bit of lactic acid with every neural firing.. leaving behind just enough of a kick in the ass to get me moving.....
Time to make my training plan. Time to write my eulogy. Or perhaps, time to stop pretending to be brave and actually start being so.
Either way, it is time.
peace to you in running and more..... on this freezing day 379 of running :)
Showing posts with label triathlon training. Show all posts
Showing posts with label triathlon training. Show all posts
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
The end of the beginning
There's a moment when you know you can't stop, you know that somehow you've built up so much energy that inertia alone will carry you through the next terrifying moments of chaos.
When you are standing there, staring tentatively downhill at the obstacle before you knowing that the skiis are strapped on, the parachute is ready, the lights about to turn green and pink slips are on the line.... when you are quivering in your core at the thought of the next five seconds.....
Inevitably that's when you'll worry if you've tied your shoes.
Gates are open! Tapers done! Everyone says things like "we knew you could" "we never doubted" and you imagine having for an instant that kind of commitment to belief.....
And if you knew, Why the heck did God keep it from me?
Four sleeps until race day. Four sleeps until waking up and not crying in front of the kids in fear of leaving my glasses on the beach. Four sleeps, three runs and ten million cups of tea. But you believed and that means something. I never did. I was just trying to prove you wrong.
Four sleeps, one squeaky bike, a near hole in my wetsuit and the tremble in my tummy that shifts my hunger out of reality. Four sleeps and ten millions thoughts of what could go wrong. Four sleeps, three runs and one more strength class .... Taper does not live here. But you believed and that counts against it all. I never did. I hoped, I thought maybe... I think now wouldn't it be nice....
Memories of sweat, thoughts of the space between running up half the hill and making all the way up over weeks of time. Growth and strength lost to me. It's hard to watch the baby grow in your arms. It's hard to drink from the cup of life with a hole in your straw.
.... time to let go and trust. Time enough for this. Time enough for me.
But none of it possible without you believing and supporting - thank you all for that.
When you are standing there, staring tentatively downhill at the obstacle before you knowing that the skiis are strapped on, the parachute is ready, the lights about to turn green and pink slips are on the line.... when you are quivering in your core at the thought of the next five seconds.....
Inevitably that's when you'll worry if you've tied your shoes.
Gates are open! Tapers done! Everyone says things like "we knew you could" "we never doubted" and you imagine having for an instant that kind of commitment to belief.....
And if you knew, Why the heck did God keep it from me?
Four sleeps until race day. Four sleeps until waking up and not crying in front of the kids in fear of leaving my glasses on the beach. Four sleeps, three runs and ten million cups of tea. But you believed and that means something. I never did. I was just trying to prove you wrong.
Four sleeps, one squeaky bike, a near hole in my wetsuit and the tremble in my tummy that shifts my hunger out of reality. Four sleeps and ten millions thoughts of what could go wrong. Four sleeps, three runs and one more strength class .... Taper does not live here. But you believed and that counts against it all. I never did. I hoped, I thought maybe... I think now wouldn't it be nice....
Memories of sweat, thoughts of the space between running up half the hill and making all the way up over weeks of time. Growth and strength lost to me. It's hard to watch the baby grow in your arms. It's hard to drink from the cup of life with a hole in your straw.
.... time to let go and trust. Time enough for this. Time enough for me.
But none of it possible without you believing and supporting - thank you all for that.
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Triathlon Training Tantrums
Four weeks to race day. My first ever tri... Four weeks until I lose the glasses that protect me from so much and give up and give in and give everything - plus a drop of sweat. Four weeks left to jump in the water and push myself. Four weeks of promises kept. Four weeks of courage and strength and sleepless nights worrying about disappointing onlookers. Four weeks of deceivingly slow calm sips of coffee when you're looking and frantic gasping when you've turned away.
Four weeks to stand up straight and practice the picture pose. The one you'll see and I won't. Four weeks of .... waiting, trying, hoping. Four weeks of training.
Today I swam 1km in the pool beside a boy half my age with perfect form. His breast stroke was twice the speed of my crawl. His waves were synchronized in such an intimidating fashion. The force of his stroke and speed pushed me against the ropes. It took my breath away and rammed pool water in the tiny intricate spaces of my lungs where only air should be permitted. I hated it. I cursed his approach every lap.
Then the pool cleared out and he moved over to the next lane. I nearly asked him to come back. Return the chaos to my swim. I'm soon to be lost in it. I'm soon to be stuck in it. Forcing me to breathe tactlessly, gracelessly and with a hunger that only a labouring woman would know.
I closed my eyes. I swam faster. I pushed and hoped the clock would stop. The funny thing is I wasn't racing for a personal best, I wasn't trying to find my limits. I just knew that my daycare in the gym was about to end. Hurry hurry... I'm nearly done kids.
It did come out my personal best. I managed to only throw in 4 laps of breast stroke in 40 of crawl. 27mins. I'll take it. I'll thank my kids. Do what you can with what you have. I had 28mins.... It all worked out.
It came after a bike, a run and a workout. There was another young man spinning beside me at the gym. He asked me (during his endless uphill ride in which he never sat down) if I cycle a lot. I do not. I'm a runner I said.
Who am I to say what I am? I haven't lived my life yet. I am anything. I am everything. I am transitioning. Hmm... fitting for tri training.
15km spin today... 25:06min. I wanted to stay on that bike until he had to sit down. Until he gave into the need that his legs created and crumbled. Not to see him fall, but to watch him get back up and try again. Motivation comes from odd places. I had 26mins set aside for cycling. It all worked out. I'll be there kids.
The treadmill makes me dizzy. When the only thing that you base your foot strike on it the passing wind, or the sound of others footsteps and then nothing is actually moving... It's problematic. I climbed the speed in the familiar ladder I was used to. Only the treadmill was on the other side of the gym, and the sun was glaring on the panel. Thinking I was at 6.8 I managed to hold 7.0 for a full min.
Who am I to say who I am? I haven't lived my life yet.
Run was 3km 15:26mins. I had 15mins set aside for the run.. I figured.... the spin was faster and I hadn't fallen on my face walking to the treadmill so why not? I'm on my way kids....
The mat and I share more sweat than I'd care to admit. The odd time I can catch the glisten of the bead as it reflects off my glasses on its way down. It speaks to me, it says... I am leaving but you are beginning. And I wonder... Is this what you see?
Time holds meaning beyond meaning for me. It's the one thing I do not have any of in my life and the one thing that seems constantly stolen from me. They say no one can take what you do not willingly give.
In the mean'time' my bistro set sits unattended, lonely and sullen. It says stop waiting for someone to make you tea and take your hand and walk you here... come and sit and be still....
This is my tantrum. This is my training vice. Time and space..... And a quiet cup of tea.
day 197 of 365 days of running current total 1014.23km
Four weeks to stand up straight and practice the picture pose. The one you'll see and I won't. Four weeks of .... waiting, trying, hoping. Four weeks of training.
Today I swam 1km in the pool beside a boy half my age with perfect form. His breast stroke was twice the speed of my crawl. His waves were synchronized in such an intimidating fashion. The force of his stroke and speed pushed me against the ropes. It took my breath away and rammed pool water in the tiny intricate spaces of my lungs where only air should be permitted. I hated it. I cursed his approach every lap.
Then the pool cleared out and he moved over to the next lane. I nearly asked him to come back. Return the chaos to my swim. I'm soon to be lost in it. I'm soon to be stuck in it. Forcing me to breathe tactlessly, gracelessly and with a hunger that only a labouring woman would know.
I closed my eyes. I swam faster. I pushed and hoped the clock would stop. The funny thing is I wasn't racing for a personal best, I wasn't trying to find my limits. I just knew that my daycare in the gym was about to end. Hurry hurry... I'm nearly done kids.
It did come out my personal best. I managed to only throw in 4 laps of breast stroke in 40 of crawl. 27mins. I'll take it. I'll thank my kids. Do what you can with what you have. I had 28mins.... It all worked out.
It came after a bike, a run and a workout. There was another young man spinning beside me at the gym. He asked me (during his endless uphill ride in which he never sat down) if I cycle a lot. I do not. I'm a runner I said.
Who am I to say what I am? I haven't lived my life yet. I am anything. I am everything. I am transitioning. Hmm... fitting for tri training.
15km spin today... 25:06min. I wanted to stay on that bike until he had to sit down. Until he gave into the need that his legs created and crumbled. Not to see him fall, but to watch him get back up and try again. Motivation comes from odd places. I had 26mins set aside for cycling. It all worked out. I'll be there kids.
The treadmill makes me dizzy. When the only thing that you base your foot strike on it the passing wind, or the sound of others footsteps and then nothing is actually moving... It's problematic. I climbed the speed in the familiar ladder I was used to. Only the treadmill was on the other side of the gym, and the sun was glaring on the panel. Thinking I was at 6.8 I managed to hold 7.0 for a full min.
Who am I to say who I am? I haven't lived my life yet.
Run was 3km 15:26mins. I had 15mins set aside for the run.. I figured.... the spin was faster and I hadn't fallen on my face walking to the treadmill so why not? I'm on my way kids....
The mat and I share more sweat than I'd care to admit. The odd time I can catch the glisten of the bead as it reflects off my glasses on its way down. It speaks to me, it says... I am leaving but you are beginning. And I wonder... Is this what you see?
Time holds meaning beyond meaning for me. It's the one thing I do not have any of in my life and the one thing that seems constantly stolen from me. They say no one can take what you do not willingly give.
In the mean'time' my bistro set sits unattended, lonely and sullen. It says stop waiting for someone to make you tea and take your hand and walk you here... come and sit and be still....
This is my tantrum. This is my training vice. Time and space..... And a quiet cup of tea.
day 197 of 365 days of running current total 1014.23km
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Taking stock
Updates to start -
Ottawa half marathon done and finished with a 5min PR.... 2;25;13.... All made possible by my wonderful guide who never gave up on me. Very excited about that. However much it makes you realise that life will only get easier if you allow laziness to enter your dreams and stifle the fire in your soul. I say put up a safety perimeter and let those motivational flames burn so friggin' bright that you scare the neighbours. I say (not so quietly from behind my keyboard and softly clicking mouse).... NEVER say die... Hope breeds like rabbits... set it free.
First ever Zoot Open Water Swim race done.... 1km of wetsuit swimming tethered to my dear darling (and oh so brave) husband, 34:40min... I'm sure he's dreading my next big idea. Ok so the time kinda sucks but you know what???? I did it. I took off my glasses (the only thing that allows me the 8% vision I have) and gave up my hearing (thus nullifying all direction and bearing) and swam. I swam with trust and hope and the all out notion that gosh darn it.... there has to be a shore somewhere. I swam realising that the impossible is only so because I allowed someone else to place it on such a high unattainable shelf.
All of which makes me wonder - under who's dictatorship do I live and why did this become so?
Graduation and award ceremonies done. Dress donned and hidden well under the gown of the day. Three years of no sleep and determination, three years of life changing horrific home life challenges, three years of not feeling the ground under foot for more than a few tainted moments, three years of secretly crying in the dark hoping to be enough..... three years to put on a polyester gown that smelled like last years occupant and all their hopes and dreams. .... Three years to feed my family on rice and beans and all things student loans granted and denied.... Three years to have them tell me I could not have a guide to help me walk across the stage. To which I say.... Watch me... I believe enough in my self to not fall off. Watch me...
And now... eight days left until my board exams. Eight days until I can finish this culmination of greatness that amounts to .....? Now there's a question. Real life, oh how I've hidden from you. Real life with all your hopes and dreams, all your fears and misconstrued directions.... Get me lost... I'm so much better that way.
Friday I had the time to run solo on country roads. Directions given from a loving friend by phone, notes left for dear husband, shoes on and water bottle in hand.... Proving once again the only thing you need to run - is the will to run. Freedom with each step. Salt on my lips. Slow sweet time ticking by garmin free. Watch your feet, no one else here to help. Teaching me to be responsible. Teaching me to turn the talk inward and stand tall. Chin up and see the next hill without fear. Works for me as I never see the hills coming. Not until they are underfoot.
Take the path, follow your heart, show yourself you can. If you have to stop to walk in between, whether it be for a crossing turtle or a speeding pick up truck or simply to stop and see how far you've come.... then walk. All forward motion counts. (Even if you have no clue where you're headed)
Peace to you in all things running and beyond.
365 days of running current total as of the end of day 162 - 842.46km
Ottawa half marathon done and finished with a 5min PR.... 2;25;13.... All made possible by my wonderful guide who never gave up on me. Very excited about that. However much it makes you realise that life will only get easier if you allow laziness to enter your dreams and stifle the fire in your soul. I say put up a safety perimeter and let those motivational flames burn so friggin' bright that you scare the neighbours. I say (not so quietly from behind my keyboard and softly clicking mouse).... NEVER say die... Hope breeds like rabbits... set it free.
First ever Zoot Open Water Swim race done.... 1km of wetsuit swimming tethered to my dear darling (and oh so brave) husband, 34:40min... I'm sure he's dreading my next big idea. Ok so the time kinda sucks but you know what???? I did it. I took off my glasses (the only thing that allows me the 8% vision I have) and gave up my hearing (thus nullifying all direction and bearing) and swam. I swam with trust and hope and the all out notion that gosh darn it.... there has to be a shore somewhere. I swam realising that the impossible is only so because I allowed someone else to place it on such a high unattainable shelf.
All of which makes me wonder - under who's dictatorship do I live and why did this become so?
Graduation and award ceremonies done. Dress donned and hidden well under the gown of the day. Three years of no sleep and determination, three years of life changing horrific home life challenges, three years of not feeling the ground under foot for more than a few tainted moments, three years of secretly crying in the dark hoping to be enough..... three years to put on a polyester gown that smelled like last years occupant and all their hopes and dreams. .... Three years to feed my family on rice and beans and all things student loans granted and denied.... Three years to have them tell me I could not have a guide to help me walk across the stage. To which I say.... Watch me... I believe enough in my self to not fall off. Watch me...
And now... eight days left until my board exams. Eight days until I can finish this culmination of greatness that amounts to .....? Now there's a question. Real life, oh how I've hidden from you. Real life with all your hopes and dreams, all your fears and misconstrued directions.... Get me lost... I'm so much better that way.
Friday I had the time to run solo on country roads. Directions given from a loving friend by phone, notes left for dear husband, shoes on and water bottle in hand.... Proving once again the only thing you need to run - is the will to run. Freedom with each step. Salt on my lips. Slow sweet time ticking by garmin free. Watch your feet, no one else here to help. Teaching me to be responsible. Teaching me to turn the talk inward and stand tall. Chin up and see the next hill without fear. Works for me as I never see the hills coming. Not until they are underfoot.
Take the path, follow your heart, show yourself you can. If you have to stop to walk in between, whether it be for a crossing turtle or a speeding pick up truck or simply to stop and see how far you've come.... then walk. All forward motion counts. (Even if you have no clue where you're headed)
Peace to you in all things running and beyond.
365 days of running current total as of the end of day 162 - 842.46km
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