Oh jumping bean in my cup... how inspiring you are. I wish I could sit calmly and sip. I take that back. I do not wish for that, but can you imagine that quiet? Can you imagine that stillness? My soul does not know such pause. As I sip, I greet new dreams as if they already exist. They flirt with my reality. They jingle around in my tummy, that intuitive place that sets you on fire. In the next moment I say these aspirations out loud. Why, dear coffee in my cup, do you move me so? Why, dear coffee in my cup, do you speak my words before I think them through? Why, dear coffee in my cup, do you create that feeling of invincibility down to my toes that I know will fade near the end of every race?
More importantly.... why do I let you?
And now, hands still warm from the cup of my weekend treat.... I dialled my most spontaneous guides number.... and ask that quizzical question that has been nagging my deeper consciousness...... "how would you feel about captaining my fixed gear tandem bike for 90km?"
I expected a laugh, a giggle, a moment of silence to suggest how insane I actually feel.
I get hardly to end of my question, barely to the intonation that should come when asking, and theres a "YES!" on the other end.
Then I get myself deeper into dreamland with every breath....
The commentary continues with much discussion of whether my tandem will actually survive such a distance. We decide my 1970's Doris is solid enough. We assume we are both crazy, I mean determined, enough. We conclude that we must conclude our conversation, our fantasy aired out loud.... we seem to both finish elated.
And in the next moment, with my hands still warm from that magical cup of cheap coffee.... the realization of the impending half ironman in July I just committed to.... Sinks down to the synaptic clefts of my every nerve impulse... Reality, it seems, leaks a bit of lactic acid with every neural firing.. leaving behind just enough of a kick in the ass to get me moving.....
Time to make my training plan. Time to write my eulogy. Or perhaps, time to stop pretending to be brave and actually start being so.
Either way, it is time.
peace to you in running and more..... on this freezing day 379 of running :)
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Endlessness
Day dreaming. That's how I feel I entered this new year, this fresh calendar page. As if dancing in chaos at a costume party. Only I have forgotten my mask. I have forgotten the dance steps. I have misplaced my motive along the way, amongst the flu, intermixed with the nauseous calls of "mommy" in the dark, splattered against the overdue bills that wallpaper the house I must prep for sale.
And yet somehow, with the reassurance of my friends, both online and not, my family and my stubbornness.... I made it through the year. The 365 days someone so off-handedly suggested I couldn't run. I still breathe, although currently its entwined with spasms of coughs that land me on the floor when no one is looking. I still feel my heart pumping the blood that carried life through me for the year. I hear it most in my plugged ears that have forsaken me to infection, congestion or otherwise, thus stealing perception beyond belief. I thank my lovely children for sharing this cold, this virus that has taken its turn with each of us, a week at a time, over the last month. I thank them for their endless hugs and snotty noses, the ones I will miss when my house is silent not too many years from now.
So through a fog, through a haze, a fever or two.... my goal has been reached. 365 consecutive days of running through 2011... bringing with it 2011km of distance run. For each drop of sweet sweat and bitter crusting of mud, I am thankful. So thankful. To have been capable, to have been able. Funny how little that word means to me...."able".... Too often trapped in my own self identity as "disabled"... For whom?
My self labelling helps the world understand my clumsiness. Helps me to find ways to 'adapt' (also a word I carry distaste for). My self labelling, not meant derogatory, not meant to be infused with 'can'ts' but to carry some semblance of 'perhaps' and 'maybe'...
I am not that calm. I am not that patient. I am not that mild.
I am the lion that charges in. I am the "watch me" that forces all doubt to the wall. I am the child that likely gave my mother a heart attack everyday.
I am the "here and now" that planned every step through the quicksand, too angry to sit by and wait for someone to figure out the route.
And now, here are my thanks, here are my hopes and dreams of one challenge done. Here is me saying I am nothing without those that push me. I am nothing without those who love me. I am nothing without support. I am forever thankful, forever grateful....
Back to that fresh calendar page, so taunting and new. Back to that new challenge so simple and true. Back to that me that can't turn down a fight. Back to that inhale just before we take flight.
2012 goals... let it be known... I already botched one....
- limit of one cup of coffee a day (can you guess which one I blew?)
- to run 2012km in the year
- to run my first ultra in october 50km
- to read 12 good books
- to stretch more (ouch)
- one complete surprise I will not tell....
And because I haven't decided to give up my runstreak... I'm still running at least 1km every day (challenging as I still feel like a festering piece of dung, but that will pass I'm sure)... It seems I haven't said good-bye to it yet. I'm sure there will come a day when I do not wish to run. Today is not that day. And so we continue.
Peace to you all in running and more :)
And yet somehow, with the reassurance of my friends, both online and not, my family and my stubbornness.... I made it through the year. The 365 days someone so off-handedly suggested I couldn't run. I still breathe, although currently its entwined with spasms of coughs that land me on the floor when no one is looking. I still feel my heart pumping the blood that carried life through me for the year. I hear it most in my plugged ears that have forsaken me to infection, congestion or otherwise, thus stealing perception beyond belief. I thank my lovely children for sharing this cold, this virus that has taken its turn with each of us, a week at a time, over the last month. I thank them for their endless hugs and snotty noses, the ones I will miss when my house is silent not too many years from now.
So through a fog, through a haze, a fever or two.... my goal has been reached. 365 consecutive days of running through 2011... bringing with it 2011km of distance run. For each drop of sweet sweat and bitter crusting of mud, I am thankful. So thankful. To have been capable, to have been able. Funny how little that word means to me...."able".... Too often trapped in my own self identity as "disabled"... For whom?
My self labelling helps the world understand my clumsiness. Helps me to find ways to 'adapt' (also a word I carry distaste for). My self labelling, not meant derogatory, not meant to be infused with 'can'ts' but to carry some semblance of 'perhaps' and 'maybe'...
I am not that calm. I am not that patient. I am not that mild.
I am the lion that charges in. I am the "watch me" that forces all doubt to the wall. I am the child that likely gave my mother a heart attack everyday.
I am the "here and now" that planned every step through the quicksand, too angry to sit by and wait for someone to figure out the route.
And now, here are my thanks, here are my hopes and dreams of one challenge done. Here is me saying I am nothing without those that push me. I am nothing without those who love me. I am nothing without support. I am forever thankful, forever grateful....
Back to that fresh calendar page, so taunting and new. Back to that new challenge so simple and true. Back to that me that can't turn down a fight. Back to that inhale just before we take flight.
2012 goals... let it be known... I already botched one....
- limit of one cup of coffee a day (can you guess which one I blew?)
- to run 2012km in the year
- to run my first ultra in october 50km
- to read 12 good books
- to stretch more (ouch)
- one complete surprise I will not tell....
And because I haven't decided to give up my runstreak... I'm still running at least 1km every day (challenging as I still feel like a festering piece of dung, but that will pass I'm sure)... It seems I haven't said good-bye to it yet. I'm sure there will come a day when I do not wish to run. Today is not that day. And so we continue.
Peace to you all in running and more :)
Monday, December 5, 2011
Contagious Motivation...
It's Day 339 of this year of running! For some miraculous reason I'm still alive !!!
Who knew?
1864.52km so far this year. Clinging to the hope of 2011km by the end. 27 runs left.
So here are my random ramblings for the day...
Some call them goals, others say dreams, it really doesn't matter. Inspiration, motivation, urge desire whatever... What does it take to see it through? What does it take to visualize the finish? We've seen the end of training, the end of the race, the goal time on the clock. But when have you done some crazy thing for absolutely no reason? People are asking me, why did you do this? For the cake I say. (because we celebrate with cake every 25 days)...
In truth I don't know why. Perhaps that is why. I wanted to fall in love with running. I wanted to want it. I wanted that yearning you feel for it in taper tantrum moments when all you can think of is the run. I wanted to embrace the disdain you have for it on the rainy forgetful busy chaotic days when the run doesn't fit. I wanted to let it soak in my soul and leave me feeling some sense of completion I haven't felt for years. I wanted to want it the way you preoccupy yourself with daydreams of that first kiss....
I wanted to know if I could....
If I could do it, if I could complete it, if I had it in me, if I could want it bad enough....
The question becomes, what motivates YOU? What drives you to that point of pushing yourself past the moment you knew all there was to know about yourself? What creates the need to know more? What wakes you up in the night with a the sense of determination in the air?
Is it a race? Is it a healthy lifestyle change? Is it a challenge from a friend? Is it a hope?
What plasters the picture of your future on your wall like a teenager self decorating?
More importantly.... what takes you there? What carries you through? What moves you from the dream to the reality? How do you get yourself in the poster?
Very infrequently miracles are stumbled on... especially if you are sitting still.
If you long to stub your toes on the little life changing miracles of accomplishment, you have to walk the path. Walk it fearless and barefoot. Walk it unleashed and unarmed. Walk it without regrets or someone else's judgement. Through the mud, through the tangled roots, over the rocks and under the shrubbery.
And when the bears start growling in the distance, instilling fear or doubt.... walk faster, think clearer.... Don't EVER give up. Life, it turns out... waits for no one. No matter how special you are.
And those.... are the ramblings of this blind girl....
Happy Monday!!!
Who knew?
1864.52km so far this year. Clinging to the hope of 2011km by the end. 27 runs left.
So here are my random ramblings for the day...
Some call them goals, others say dreams, it really doesn't matter. Inspiration, motivation, urge desire whatever... What does it take to see it through? What does it take to visualize the finish? We've seen the end of training, the end of the race, the goal time on the clock. But when have you done some crazy thing for absolutely no reason? People are asking me, why did you do this? For the cake I say. (because we celebrate with cake every 25 days)...
In truth I don't know why. Perhaps that is why. I wanted to fall in love with running. I wanted to want it. I wanted that yearning you feel for it in taper tantrum moments when all you can think of is the run. I wanted to embrace the disdain you have for it on the rainy forgetful busy chaotic days when the run doesn't fit. I wanted to let it soak in my soul and leave me feeling some sense of completion I haven't felt for years. I wanted to want it the way you preoccupy yourself with daydreams of that first kiss....
I wanted to know if I could....
If I could do it, if I could complete it, if I had it in me, if I could want it bad enough....
The question becomes, what motivates YOU? What drives you to that point of pushing yourself past the moment you knew all there was to know about yourself? What creates the need to know more? What wakes you up in the night with a the sense of determination in the air?
Is it a race? Is it a healthy lifestyle change? Is it a challenge from a friend? Is it a hope?
What plasters the picture of your future on your wall like a teenager self decorating?
More importantly.... what takes you there? What carries you through? What moves you from the dream to the reality? How do you get yourself in the poster?
Very infrequently miracles are stumbled on... especially if you are sitting still.
If you long to stub your toes on the little life changing miracles of accomplishment, you have to walk the path. Walk it fearless and barefoot. Walk it unleashed and unarmed. Walk it without regrets or someone else's judgement. Through the mud, through the tangled roots, over the rocks and under the shrubbery.
And when the bears start growling in the distance, instilling fear or doubt.... walk faster, think clearer.... Don't EVER give up. Life, it turns out... waits for no one. No matter how special you are.
And those.... are the ramblings of this blind girl....
Happy Monday!!!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Dirt under my nails
Everything is worth a fight... and the things that aren't worth the fight... well...
see they aren't even worth the words I could have said about them...
But the things that you know are worth a fight, worth your fight, are worth your absolutely everything.
Here is my biggest self discovery moment of the last 331 days. Are you ready? Got your cup of tea? Sitting down? It took me a while to get here, to this place of knowledge, or rather of acceptance... or rather of sweaty acknowledgement.... So in my thinking, you'd best be prepared for what follows....
I am a very intense person.
There I said it.
I don't know how to do anything "... a little bit". I don't feel fantastic dabbling in anything. If I'm gonna love - you better watch out, because I am in so deep you'll wish you had brought oxygen reserves. If I'm gonna study something, I'm gonna be the best that I'm capable of. If I'm gonna commit to something... like say running every day for a year... well then dam it... guess what?
There is nothing holding me back because there is such a huge amount of everything trying to. I don't even love the fight. I just seem to end up there, facing down my opponent and knowing in that last moment I may lose completely ... but it sure as hell won't be for lack of trying.
When I wake up in the morning the first thing I put on is my mental boxing gloves. Every time some small thing jumps in my path I stop and take that breath that decides my fate. Do I stand up to this? Will I let this defeat me? Can you see me on the other side? Can I? I've been asked this year... what are you afraid of?
Everything. Especially chaos.
but.....
put your gloves on.... (or running shoes as the case may be...)
There is no point in fighting the fight if you are not ready to embrace that chaos. Let it take you by the throat and move you to that place that dangles your feet just over the edge of hope and above the canyon of fear... Then take it by surprise every time by turning to face it and smiling. That's when the shock loosens it's grasp and you have your edge.
People are questioning my next years goals. What do you plan to do for a year now?
I .... I.... this me.... I fear ... maybe....
You know, sometimes, just looking into peoples eyes (especially when you know I'm legally blind and a bit of my behaviour traits)... sometimes, that's enough to make people shudder. It's not that I'm special, or important or better than. It's just too much truth in one moment of time for some people to accept. Too much truth, too much fight... too much stubbornness.
I'm afraid to set a 2012 goal, because I know I will keep it. There is still dirt under my nails from this years goal.
This year I have learned there is nothing you can't run through. Sickness, health, busy schedule, travel, broken hearts, new jobs, exams, graduations, post marathons, when someone is holding your hand, more importantly when no one is....
This year I have learned that running can be as much a part of me as breathing, washing, eating.
Next year I will have to learn that there can be a day WITHOUT running... Not a lesson I'm looking forward to learning.
And if you think you've lost your sense of humour.... get to day 331, where you've had a cold for a week, a migraine for 2 days, you're babysitting, you (remember 8% vision which means no driving) take 4 kids to the movies alone, your cat's in heat (again), your house is taking out stocks in tissues, the movie theater is 2.4km away and it's raining...
This is why you have a choice. Some things seem so karmicly chaotic that you can't help but laugh. You can't help but stop and embrace it all. It's still your day 331. You are still alive. And as someone else offers your kids a ride home after the movie, but has no room for you or the stroller... and you in jeans and a winter coat.. standing in the rain... have a choice.
Well I was, I figured, wearing running shoes after all.
todays run... (although I am hoping for more) day 331 of 365 days of running - 2.4km solo road run pushing an empty stroller through the rain, home from the movies... 15mins.
current total 1795.8km Still hoping for 2011km by the end of the year... 34 runs from now....
Peace to you in chaos :)
see they aren't even worth the words I could have said about them...
But the things that you know are worth a fight, worth your fight, are worth your absolutely everything.
Here is my biggest self discovery moment of the last 331 days. Are you ready? Got your cup of tea? Sitting down? It took me a while to get here, to this place of knowledge, or rather of acceptance... or rather of sweaty acknowledgement.... So in my thinking, you'd best be prepared for what follows....
I am a very intense person.
There I said it.
I don't know how to do anything "... a little bit". I don't feel fantastic dabbling in anything. If I'm gonna love - you better watch out, because I am in so deep you'll wish you had brought oxygen reserves. If I'm gonna study something, I'm gonna be the best that I'm capable of. If I'm gonna commit to something... like say running every day for a year... well then dam it... guess what?
There is nothing holding me back because there is such a huge amount of everything trying to. I don't even love the fight. I just seem to end up there, facing down my opponent and knowing in that last moment I may lose completely ... but it sure as hell won't be for lack of trying.
When I wake up in the morning the first thing I put on is my mental boxing gloves. Every time some small thing jumps in my path I stop and take that breath that decides my fate. Do I stand up to this? Will I let this defeat me? Can you see me on the other side? Can I? I've been asked this year... what are you afraid of?
Everything. Especially chaos.
but.....
put your gloves on.... (or running shoes as the case may be...)
There is no point in fighting the fight if you are not ready to embrace that chaos. Let it take you by the throat and move you to that place that dangles your feet just over the edge of hope and above the canyon of fear... Then take it by surprise every time by turning to face it and smiling. That's when the shock loosens it's grasp and you have your edge.
People are questioning my next years goals. What do you plan to do for a year now?
I .... I.... this me.... I fear ... maybe....
You know, sometimes, just looking into peoples eyes (especially when you know I'm legally blind and a bit of my behaviour traits)... sometimes, that's enough to make people shudder. It's not that I'm special, or important or better than. It's just too much truth in one moment of time for some people to accept. Too much truth, too much fight... too much stubbornness.
I'm afraid to set a 2012 goal, because I know I will keep it. There is still dirt under my nails from this years goal.
This year I have learned there is nothing you can't run through. Sickness, health, busy schedule, travel, broken hearts, new jobs, exams, graduations, post marathons, when someone is holding your hand, more importantly when no one is....
This year I have learned that running can be as much a part of me as breathing, washing, eating.
Next year I will have to learn that there can be a day WITHOUT running... Not a lesson I'm looking forward to learning.
And if you think you've lost your sense of humour.... get to day 331, where you've had a cold for a week, a migraine for 2 days, you're babysitting, you (remember 8% vision which means no driving) take 4 kids to the movies alone, your cat's in heat (again), your house is taking out stocks in tissues, the movie theater is 2.4km away and it's raining...
This is why you have a choice. Some things seem so karmicly chaotic that you can't help but laugh. You can't help but stop and embrace it all. It's still your day 331. You are still alive. And as someone else offers your kids a ride home after the movie, but has no room for you or the stroller... and you in jeans and a winter coat.. standing in the rain... have a choice.
Well I was, I figured, wearing running shoes after all.
todays run... (although I am hoping for more) day 331 of 365 days of running - 2.4km solo road run pushing an empty stroller through the rain, home from the movies... 15mins.
current total 1795.8km Still hoping for 2011km by the end of the year... 34 runs from now....
Peace to you in chaos :)
Saturday, November 19, 2011
It's always someones something...
Went for a run yesterday, because I'm stubborn. Snow on the ground enough to steal away most of my sight. No guide arranged. No help organized. This is not uncommon but in the snow... it is a problem. My run started at my house post school bus, travelled down to the path near my house, travelled up the path for just over 6k and then finally finished back up on the road that brought me to the YMCA for my favourite strength class. My feet, ever so cautiously moved me towards the trail... usually I can see the trail, the ground that looks bare in front of me. As if the trees backed up a smidge to allow my passage. But yesterday, the only hint of path I could make out.... was nothingness. This gap in space where something should have been. But here only brightness existed. Here only glare to force my eyes shut. Here only the devilish laughs of doubt. And still I ran. I ran as if I were running on a cloud ... visually lost my feet. I could see my black pants but my shoes dissapeared into the nothingness underfoot. So running I convinced myself every step I did in fact exist. I am here... I can feel me.
A lady ran past me. I said good morning to the movement as she passed. "where did the snow come from" she asked... "Not sure but It makes it hard to see" my response. "to see?" her question... her pace slowing in contemplating thought. "Oh you mean from the glare!" her resolution.. pace picking up again. Right I thought exactly.
She didn't know this was my day 322. She didn't know I was a legally blind runner. She didn't know anything beyond that fate gave us this sunrise to share this trail this moment in time. She didn't know, nor did she want that responsibility. She ran. She seemed free to me... running on the nothingness underfoot. As if a unicorn galloping among the clouds. And I let her go. Even though I longed to cling to that vision she could have shared. I let her travel ahead to the point where she was lost to me among the brightness. To the point where I couldn't even hear her.
After all, it may not be her day 322 but it certainly was her something. Let her be to embrace that something. Let her soul dance in a happy runner tango along this trail.
I ran and ran... Distance was lost to me. It wasn't a long run but I will tell you, if you want to forget how far you have to go... worry instead about falling into the creek along side the path of nothingness. It will take your mind off time and pace and distance. Everything becomes ghostly against a backdrop of "stay alive".
I met the lady again after she'd turned around, claiming her half way mark some distance ahead. "the bridge is slippery" she warning warmly as if her runner courtesy was accomplished. "thanks" I replied with a smile.... I let her have that moment of warmth in her head.... I did gain knowledge from her words... I now knew there was a bridge coming up. That was something. At least I could pretend to not be surprised when I hit it now. Things were looking up.
I couldn't look up. Up was all things staring into a flash light. Down made my head spin with my missing feet on the path of nothingness. So I did the only thing I knew how to do... Laugh and run.
When I hit the road again, the ground turned slippery and danger changed dynamics a bit. Now there was no creek but oncoming traffic to worry about. People hustled around on the road and the sidewalk I could barely make out. They had lives to live. They had errands to run. They had their somethings today. Their stories filled my heart as I travelled down the road. Each step reminding me .... today is not to be wasted.
After all today is always someones something....
Today is my day 323... Current total kms 1755
Go make your today awesome!
A lady ran past me. I said good morning to the movement as she passed. "where did the snow come from" she asked... "Not sure but It makes it hard to see" my response. "to see?" her question... her pace slowing in contemplating thought. "Oh you mean from the glare!" her resolution.. pace picking up again. Right I thought exactly.
She didn't know this was my day 322. She didn't know I was a legally blind runner. She didn't know anything beyond that fate gave us this sunrise to share this trail this moment in time. She didn't know, nor did she want that responsibility. She ran. She seemed free to me... running on the nothingness underfoot. As if a unicorn galloping among the clouds. And I let her go. Even though I longed to cling to that vision she could have shared. I let her travel ahead to the point where she was lost to me among the brightness. To the point where I couldn't even hear her.
After all, it may not be her day 322 but it certainly was her something. Let her be to embrace that something. Let her soul dance in a happy runner tango along this trail.
I ran and ran... Distance was lost to me. It wasn't a long run but I will tell you, if you want to forget how far you have to go... worry instead about falling into the creek along side the path of nothingness. It will take your mind off time and pace and distance. Everything becomes ghostly against a backdrop of "stay alive".
I met the lady again after she'd turned around, claiming her half way mark some distance ahead. "the bridge is slippery" she warning warmly as if her runner courtesy was accomplished. "thanks" I replied with a smile.... I let her have that moment of warmth in her head.... I did gain knowledge from her words... I now knew there was a bridge coming up. That was something. At least I could pretend to not be surprised when I hit it now. Things were looking up.
I couldn't look up. Up was all things staring into a flash light. Down made my head spin with my missing feet on the path of nothingness. So I did the only thing I knew how to do... Laugh and run.
When I hit the road again, the ground turned slippery and danger changed dynamics a bit. Now there was no creek but oncoming traffic to worry about. People hustled around on the road and the sidewalk I could barely make out. They had lives to live. They had errands to run. They had their somethings today. Their stories filled my heart as I travelled down the road. Each step reminding me .... today is not to be wasted.
After all today is always someones something....
Today is my day 323... Current total kms 1755
Go make your today awesome!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Chard, Sweet Potato and Peanut Stew
Tonights dinner!
2 tbps of sunflower oil
1 large onion chopped
1tsp cumin seeds
400g of sweet potatoes, cut into medium chunks
1/2 tsp of crushed chili flakes
400g can chopped tomatoes
140 g salted, roasted peanuts (I used almonds)
250g of chard, leaves and stems and washed and roughly chopped
750ml of water
1. heat a large saucepan with lid over a med heat and add oil. Add the onion and fry until light golden. Stir in the cumin seeds until fragrant, about a 1min. Add the sweet potato, chili flakes, tomatoes and water. Stir cover and bring to a boil then uncover and simmer for 15 mins.
2. Whiz the peanuts in a food processor until ground but not butter. (yeah I put the almonds in a zip bag and let my four year old beat the crude out of them). Add to stew and stir and taste for salt.
3. add in the chard and treturn to a boil for another 8 mins... or about the time the kids start yelling "When's dinner????" Serve hot and with pepper (hey I didn't write this... taste it ... spicy...)
2 tbps of sunflower oil
1 large onion chopped
1tsp cumin seeds
400g of sweet potatoes, cut into medium chunks
1/2 tsp of crushed chili flakes
400g can chopped tomatoes
140 g salted, roasted peanuts (I used almonds)
250g of chard, leaves and stems and washed and roughly chopped
750ml of water
1. heat a large saucepan with lid over a med heat and add oil. Add the onion and fry until light golden. Stir in the cumin seeds until fragrant, about a 1min. Add the sweet potato, chili flakes, tomatoes and water. Stir cover and bring to a boil then uncover and simmer for 15 mins.
2. Whiz the peanuts in a food processor until ground but not butter. (yeah I put the almonds in a zip bag and let my four year old beat the crude out of them). Add to stew and stir and taste for salt.
3. add in the chard and treturn to a boil for another 8 mins... or about the time the kids start yelling "When's dinner????" Serve hot and with pepper (hey I didn't write this... taste it ... spicy...)
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
NEVER say never
Not in the quiet when you think no one's listening, not in the shower when you think the water drowns out your doubt, not uttered into your coffee hoping the sleepy slurp will mask the fear....
NEVER say never... because you don't really know when your soul will take you seriously.
Day 310 we took to the road in Hamilton Ontario and ran 42.2km past fields, through streets, too close to the water treatment plant, down the mountain on the highway and along a trail that made me want to run all day. As it turned out, all day took 4:59:03.... This my sweet surrender of self, this my beautiful culmination of blood, sweat and tears, this my tantric fantasy mixed into sharp shooting pains of doubt and fear... this my Boston Qualifying marathon time... This my next tattoo.
Never say never... someone may believe you.
Guide switch four days pre race... ask Rick how it feels to know not only are you guiding a marathon you haven't trained for, but also that there is a Boston hope lingering on the curb .... like the can you kick along the way home... Last minute daycare (Thank you MOM!!!!)... Last minute chaos... last minute cold and cough. Last minute near giving up. Last minute putting myself out there and realizing... I had to run this day anyway... It may as well be a marathon right?
Never say never... Someone is learning from you.
The wall I had hoped to find, certainly found me. At 36k in.. two steps past the farthest distance I ran in training. But that came after my fastest half 2hrs 24mins ... The wall came after I sang outloud with no voice on the top of that mountain. It smacked me in the face post waving and shouting at passing cars... making a fool of myself... loving every second, every millisecond... Then something happened...
Never say never... if you hold on to doubt it fills too much of your heart to let hope in.
We started to go down hill. I have never EVER felt that kind of pain in my life. I would rather birth ten babies than run downhill for 5k. I would rather be repeatedly run over by a truck than do that again. So much pain. We plugged through. I can't remember about 10k in the middle... Perhaps my guide will comment and fill in the hole here. I know at one point I ran solidly for a while with my eyes shut... in search of my happy place. That mystical thing I haven't been grasping much lately. But alas... much of that time between 25 and 35 is missing.
Never say never... You are someone's something.
35k in was our last walk break. We had stopped every 5k for fuel... at one water station I think I ran away (and into oncoming traffic) from Rick. Oops... sorry... girls gotta do right? Pain added a few extra short walks. But 35k was the last one. We were suppose to have another at 40k... Something magical happens after the wall comes. Something so otherworldly that no one can grasp the attention it takes to move into knowing anything else at that moment.
Never say never... Inspiration is born from the smallest flame.
36km... my wall... I didn't stop for. I felt it. Like a wave washing me clean of any emotion. There was nothing left in me there. even my pain was gone. I was immersed in this thing. Lost to its wonders and despair. I was standing alone at the edge of my universe. Oddly not seeking help. Oddly not looking at the view. Just running along the edge of sanity as if there was no fine lines left. As if the heavens sang out this next wrinkle we give you along your chin embodies this fight. As if the stars were out and the sun was in a tango with the moon. What did you do when you meet your wall? I knew there was no stopping. I knew it was now or never. And DAM it... NEVER say never to me...
Never say never... you may be counting on you....
What did I do? I cried, with abandon... as if nothing mattered... I remember saying "this is that place... that place where I haven't been... this is that place I was looking for" And all my tears melted tracks through the salt, through the effort, through the pain.. through the fear. It stopped my heart to realise....
Greatness is not a thing you can ever hold on to. It is not a noun you can own. It is a thing you can chase... it is a moving, breathing, living current... It is a verb. And baby... I wanna be a verb for the rest of my life.
Never say never... Someone might be writing a dictionary.
We did not stop at 40k. I asked if we still had a chance. My answer was "if we hurry". FUCK me... Hurry? now? 40k in? Hurry? Have you felt my pain? Oh hell lets hurry then... I have a Boston guide waiting... (CHEERS TO YOU BLUE!!!)... There's a fritter somewhere in this day. So hurry we did...
4:59:03 chip... 4:59:59 gun... Boston cut off time? Sight impaired... 5:00:00.
Never say never.... The feet believe what the heart tells them.
Thank you all for helping to see me through this crazy day in running :)
Day 313 of running current total 1696.74km
NEVER say never... because you don't really know when your soul will take you seriously.
Day 310 we took to the road in Hamilton Ontario and ran 42.2km past fields, through streets, too close to the water treatment plant, down the mountain on the highway and along a trail that made me want to run all day. As it turned out, all day took 4:59:03.... This my sweet surrender of self, this my beautiful culmination of blood, sweat and tears, this my tantric fantasy mixed into sharp shooting pains of doubt and fear... this my Boston Qualifying marathon time... This my next tattoo.
Never say never... someone may believe you.
Guide switch four days pre race... ask Rick how it feels to know not only are you guiding a marathon you haven't trained for, but also that there is a Boston hope lingering on the curb .... like the can you kick along the way home... Last minute daycare (Thank you MOM!!!!)... Last minute chaos... last minute cold and cough. Last minute near giving up. Last minute putting myself out there and realizing... I had to run this day anyway... It may as well be a marathon right?
Never say never... Someone is learning from you.
The wall I had hoped to find, certainly found me. At 36k in.. two steps past the farthest distance I ran in training. But that came after my fastest half 2hrs 24mins ... The wall came after I sang outloud with no voice on the top of that mountain. It smacked me in the face post waving and shouting at passing cars... making a fool of myself... loving every second, every millisecond... Then something happened...
Never say never... if you hold on to doubt it fills too much of your heart to let hope in.
We started to go down hill. I have never EVER felt that kind of pain in my life. I would rather birth ten babies than run downhill for 5k. I would rather be repeatedly run over by a truck than do that again. So much pain. We plugged through. I can't remember about 10k in the middle... Perhaps my guide will comment and fill in the hole here. I know at one point I ran solidly for a while with my eyes shut... in search of my happy place. That mystical thing I haven't been grasping much lately. But alas... much of that time between 25 and 35 is missing.
Never say never... You are someone's something.
35k in was our last walk break. We had stopped every 5k for fuel... at one water station I think I ran away (and into oncoming traffic) from Rick. Oops... sorry... girls gotta do right? Pain added a few extra short walks. But 35k was the last one. We were suppose to have another at 40k... Something magical happens after the wall comes. Something so otherworldly that no one can grasp the attention it takes to move into knowing anything else at that moment.
Never say never... Inspiration is born from the smallest flame.
36km... my wall... I didn't stop for. I felt it. Like a wave washing me clean of any emotion. There was nothing left in me there. even my pain was gone. I was immersed in this thing. Lost to its wonders and despair. I was standing alone at the edge of my universe. Oddly not seeking help. Oddly not looking at the view. Just running along the edge of sanity as if there was no fine lines left. As if the heavens sang out this next wrinkle we give you along your chin embodies this fight. As if the stars were out and the sun was in a tango with the moon. What did you do when you meet your wall? I knew there was no stopping. I knew it was now or never. And DAM it... NEVER say never to me...
Never say never... you may be counting on you....
What did I do? I cried, with abandon... as if nothing mattered... I remember saying "this is that place... that place where I haven't been... this is that place I was looking for" And all my tears melted tracks through the salt, through the effort, through the pain.. through the fear. It stopped my heart to realise....
Greatness is not a thing you can ever hold on to. It is not a noun you can own. It is a thing you can chase... it is a moving, breathing, living current... It is a verb. And baby... I wanna be a verb for the rest of my life.
Never say never... Someone might be writing a dictionary.
We did not stop at 40k. I asked if we still had a chance. My answer was "if we hurry". FUCK me... Hurry? now? 40k in? Hurry? Have you felt my pain? Oh hell lets hurry then... I have a Boston guide waiting... (CHEERS TO YOU BLUE!!!)... There's a fritter somewhere in this day. So hurry we did...
4:59:03 chip... 4:59:59 gun... Boston cut off time? Sight impaired... 5:00:00.
Never say never.... The feet believe what the heart tells them.
Thank you all for helping to see me through this crazy day in running :)
Day 313 of running current total 1696.74km
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