Long over due... Our episode on chaos did evenutally come together. However, there is a place or two the volume is really quiet. We do hope you enjoy a quick look into our chaotic lives. It's funny how there was so much chaos in the way of the making of this video.
Thank you Terese (director) for all the hard work.
We love to hear from you! Is there anything you'd like to know about what training is like for a blind althete? Any comments or questions please email rmavery@primus.ca
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
mood swings
Every run has a mood... Every hope has a dream. Every coffee has a sip... Every sock, if worn long enough, gets a twist, as if to say..."Hello up there!!! We didn't agree to 36km!" Every day has a sunrise, even if you can't see it, even if you choose to ignore it, even if you hide your head under your pillow and ignore your alarm. Every ounce of karma has a direction.
I ran on the trail today. As I crossed that fence that takes me there, I found a coach standing. I love coaches. They are my inspiration. They are my fuel. They are my drive to see better in myself. No I do not have a coach. I think they'd hate me too quickly. Anyway, there stood this coach in her hoody, clip board in hand... Pen whistle stopwatch and mood. Standing there...
Here comes the front runners... Highschool cross country? Time trials? Effort oozing...
Every one of the runners I pass in the next 1km exude a different running mood. each one I have had myself in the past... Some I like more than others. Some I embody more than others. Here is my list of running moods... as seen in the highschool track club. Do you see yourself? What's your running mood?
The "Beast" - This guy, was in the zone... He was grinding his feet into the path as if to say... dam it move out of my way! Today I'm the only hero in my story... No smile, Just sweat. No breathing. Just effort. Just now. Born from a nike commercial...
The "Tester" - This guy, found behind the other guy.... Was thinking out loud, I wonder if I pushed a bit harder what would happen? I wonder if I'd gotten my other shoes on this morning if I could move just that much more effectively? I wonder if shorts were a good idea today? I wonder if I should pass the beast in front of me? I wonder if he'd be mad? I wonder If I came back later, alone, if I could do it faster?
The "Grinner" - This guy... was catching bugs in his teeth he was smiling so big. This guy was thinking about how he'd tell this story of third place to his proud momma at dinner. This guy loved the way the world seemed to be offering him a fantastic day. Lets face it, this guy had a fantastic day every day.
The "Grimace" - This guy hated his coach. This guy hated the wind up his shorts. This guy stayed up too late. Had gas from hot peppers, forgot his deodorant, knew he couldn't stand beside that pretty girl for the rest of the day... this guy was going back to school to drink a coke and fall asleep in math class... This guy pissed me off mostly because he was still running way faster than I ever could.
The "Proof" - This girl had full awareness. This girl had perfect form. Her gate was practised. Her feet made no sound landing. This girl was going to the olympics on hard work and skill. This girl paved the gravel path in grace and kindness.
The "Goof" - This guy was in Pj pants. Showed up at school with tousled hair and figured he got points for showing up. This guy was content to be in the sun instead of english class. This guy embraced each step in a calm quiet excuse to slow down. This guy was looking forward to telling his momma later how he really could have slept another five minutes that morning. That "its all good momma!" as he runs back out the door to take out the trash without being asked...
The "Supporters" - These were my favourites... The girl jogging, not running beside the guy who was truly trying his best. The girl fully acknowledging that her speed didn't matter if she had to go alone. This girl quite content to be there in that moment, laughing and inspiring this guy who needed her for help and support. Feeding off each other they would get it done, each with new happy running memories to take away.
The "Survivor" - The last of the pack... The football player that hasn't played in two years. The guy that came out to the team practice because the coach looked at him like potential not like a has been. The recently (last 15 minutes) ex-smoker with a dream. The guy that would walk if he had to, the guy that would likely not say anything to his momma later... But the same guy who might go out on sunday after his chores were done... to see if he could run a little bit on his own. The guy who was gathering strength and following a new path.
Today was my day 468 day of running... I am a moody moody runner... Are you?
I ran on the trail today. As I crossed that fence that takes me there, I found a coach standing. I love coaches. They are my inspiration. They are my fuel. They are my drive to see better in myself. No I do not have a coach. I think they'd hate me too quickly. Anyway, there stood this coach in her hoody, clip board in hand... Pen whistle stopwatch and mood. Standing there...
Here comes the front runners... Highschool cross country? Time trials? Effort oozing...
Every one of the runners I pass in the next 1km exude a different running mood. each one I have had myself in the past... Some I like more than others. Some I embody more than others. Here is my list of running moods... as seen in the highschool track club. Do you see yourself? What's your running mood?
The "Beast" - This guy, was in the zone... He was grinding his feet into the path as if to say... dam it move out of my way! Today I'm the only hero in my story... No smile, Just sweat. No breathing. Just effort. Just now. Born from a nike commercial...
The "Tester" - This guy, found behind the other guy.... Was thinking out loud, I wonder if I pushed a bit harder what would happen? I wonder if I'd gotten my other shoes on this morning if I could move just that much more effectively? I wonder if shorts were a good idea today? I wonder if I should pass the beast in front of me? I wonder if he'd be mad? I wonder If I came back later, alone, if I could do it faster?
The "Grinner" - This guy... was catching bugs in his teeth he was smiling so big. This guy was thinking about how he'd tell this story of third place to his proud momma at dinner. This guy loved the way the world seemed to be offering him a fantastic day. Lets face it, this guy had a fantastic day every day.
The "Grimace" - This guy hated his coach. This guy hated the wind up his shorts. This guy stayed up too late. Had gas from hot peppers, forgot his deodorant, knew he couldn't stand beside that pretty girl for the rest of the day... this guy was going back to school to drink a coke and fall asleep in math class... This guy pissed me off mostly because he was still running way faster than I ever could.
The "Proof" - This girl had full awareness. This girl had perfect form. Her gate was practised. Her feet made no sound landing. This girl was going to the olympics on hard work and skill. This girl paved the gravel path in grace and kindness.
The "Goof" - This guy was in Pj pants. Showed up at school with tousled hair and figured he got points for showing up. This guy was content to be in the sun instead of english class. This guy embraced each step in a calm quiet excuse to slow down. This guy was looking forward to telling his momma later how he really could have slept another five minutes that morning. That "its all good momma!" as he runs back out the door to take out the trash without being asked...
The "Supporters" - These were my favourites... The girl jogging, not running beside the guy who was truly trying his best. The girl fully acknowledging that her speed didn't matter if she had to go alone. This girl quite content to be there in that moment, laughing and inspiring this guy who needed her for help and support. Feeding off each other they would get it done, each with new happy running memories to take away.
The "Survivor" - The last of the pack... The football player that hasn't played in two years. The guy that came out to the team practice because the coach looked at him like potential not like a has been. The recently (last 15 minutes) ex-smoker with a dream. The guy that would walk if he had to, the guy that would likely not say anything to his momma later... But the same guy who might go out on sunday after his chores were done... to see if he could run a little bit on his own. The guy who was gathering strength and following a new path.
Today was my day 468 day of running... I am a moody moody runner... Are you?
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Packing
Shall I bring you? Carry you with me to this new home? At the time you seemed so important to me, so integral to my safe keeping. At the time... you seemed so groovy, promising me glamour and shine. At the time you moved me more than I could ever have hoped to accomplish alone. Shall I carry you with me? Where do you belong now?
Maybe you are tired? Longing for a break, hoping for a rest... a paused sip of tea. Maybe you like to collect dust and only to remember the way we were so long ago.... all tangled together in the wee hours of the morning, before the children woke, before the coffee perked, before I thought about my day. Maybe you wish to stay there, in my thoughts wrapped up in my sheets counting the minutes we could share before the alarm screams. Shall I leave you to that peace? To that place when I would never have allowed the image of another to whisper on my pillow the way you did. Maybe the hurt is too great for you...Now that I have moved on....
Shall I knot you to my soul in the present tense and bring you along to see this new life I'm about to live? Or would you feel left out amongst my new identity? Shall I let you have your own life now? Or do you wish to stay a part of mine even in this downgraded role? How will you feel watching me dance with another just your size? How will you hurt as I smile in the embrace of anew? Maybe I'm not cruel enough to let you witness that. Maybe I should once and for all, free you to see the world on your own. Maybe I need to give you the space to love and be loved again.
... I am packing. I am moving.... I am undecided how much I love you still....
And oh how I've loved you....
... My old pair of running shoes.
Maybe you are tired? Longing for a break, hoping for a rest... a paused sip of tea. Maybe you like to collect dust and only to remember the way we were so long ago.... all tangled together in the wee hours of the morning, before the children woke, before the coffee perked, before I thought about my day. Maybe you wish to stay there, in my thoughts wrapped up in my sheets counting the minutes we could share before the alarm screams. Shall I leave you to that peace? To that place when I would never have allowed the image of another to whisper on my pillow the way you did. Maybe the hurt is too great for you...Now that I have moved on....
Shall I knot you to my soul in the present tense and bring you along to see this new life I'm about to live? Or would you feel left out amongst my new identity? Shall I let you have your own life now? Or do you wish to stay a part of mine even in this downgraded role? How will you feel watching me dance with another just your size? How will you hurt as I smile in the embrace of anew? Maybe I'm not cruel enough to let you witness that. Maybe I should once and for all, free you to see the world on your own. Maybe I need to give you the space to love and be loved again.
... I am packing. I am moving.... I am undecided how much I love you still....
And oh how I've loved you....
... My old pair of running shoes.
Friday, March 23, 2012
Out like a lion...
There is nothing to stop the fire that burns in your toes when spring is in the air. There is no holding back that spirit that drives you to jump out of bed at 4:45am and get your shoes on five minutes early just to see if you can beat the birds wake up call. That awkward place between winter running wear and summer skin is bridged. All the crap on your mind dissipates in the quiet mist when seconds don't matter and seem not to add against a tally of your days countdown.
There is just you, the smell of thawing worms, the lingering dream of Boston marathon 2013, and your shoes....
Let it run. Let you hope spring forth and set the pace. Let the tingling in your toes bring a smile to your face and a restless sleep before a hill workout. Let that stupid stupid mistake in your past stand on the curb while you run free... I promise you ... it will wait for you. Let yourself just be. You and moons last beams can dance along the path, road, trail as though no one is waking... Just be.
It's nearing the end of March. I am not afraid of April. I'm feeling ok with May. June has me a wee be jittery. July ... July... I cry myself to sleep worrying about those hills on the bike route of my half ironman. But it isn't in vain... It's in the tangle of finding who I am. I am here. I am learning that is enough... I am carrying this fierce hope. It maybe carries me. I bring it with me on my way to work. I sing to it while I sip my coffee. I nurture it in the snuggles with my kids. Hope... I am here. Me and the thawing worms. Dancing in the wakeful dark on each morning run.
You might laugh if you saw me ... I keep trying to convince myself you need something special to push through chaos and emerge an ironman...
The truth is... You don't... Just be you and start. Butterflies are just well practised caterpillars.
It is day 447 of my run streak. I don't go far. I don't get there fast. But I go.
Today... You go... See what you find along the way.
There is just you, the smell of thawing worms, the lingering dream of Boston marathon 2013, and your shoes....
Let it run. Let you hope spring forth and set the pace. Let the tingling in your toes bring a smile to your face and a restless sleep before a hill workout. Let that stupid stupid mistake in your past stand on the curb while you run free... I promise you ... it will wait for you. Let yourself just be. You and moons last beams can dance along the path, road, trail as though no one is waking... Just be.
It's nearing the end of March. I am not afraid of April. I'm feeling ok with May. June has me a wee be jittery. July ... July... I cry myself to sleep worrying about those hills on the bike route of my half ironman. But it isn't in vain... It's in the tangle of finding who I am. I am here. I am learning that is enough... I am carrying this fierce hope. It maybe carries me. I bring it with me on my way to work. I sing to it while I sip my coffee. I nurture it in the snuggles with my kids. Hope... I am here. Me and the thawing worms. Dancing in the wakeful dark on each morning run.
You might laugh if you saw me ... I keep trying to convince myself you need something special to push through chaos and emerge an ironman...
The truth is... You don't... Just be you and start. Butterflies are just well practised caterpillars.
It is day 447 of my run streak. I don't go far. I don't get there fast. But I go.
Today... You go... See what you find along the way.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Episode 4; The 1/2 Iron(wo)man, Saga of a blind athlete
What it takes....
We had some technical issues this weekend, but here it is!!! Episode four :)
Please keep sending your feedback by either commenting or emailing rmavery@primus.ca
Turn your speakers up and enjoy!
Thanks Terese (13) for filming, casting and editing...
We had some technical issues this weekend, but here it is!!! Episode four :)
Please keep sending your feedback by either commenting or emailing rmavery@primus.ca
Turn your speakers up and enjoy!
Thanks Terese (13) for filming, casting and editing...
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Episode 3; The half iron(wo)man - Saga of a Blind Athlete
episode three! Target Practice
Thanks for tuning in again! We are loving sharing this journey with you all. Keep sending us your feedback and thoughts to rmavery@primus.ca
Turn up your speakers... Time for a bit of goal talk...
Awesome job Terese (my daughter 13) on directing and casting :)
Thanks for tuning in again! We are loving sharing this journey with you all. Keep sending us your feedback and thoughts to rmavery@primus.ca
Turn up your speakers... Time for a bit of goal talk...
Awesome job Terese (my daughter 13) on directing and casting :)
Friday, March 9, 2012
Belief
Hope and faith are wonderful. They caress my stamina in the hush before I travel from that place of thinking maybe I will get out of bed and go run... to that place when I feel unstoppable on the run running the first 25 meters of my morning... down hill of course. Start every journey with hope and faith...
Finish every journey with belief.
I went for a swim today. Put my cane down by the lane, walked my towel over to the hooks. Placed my glasses carefully on the ledge. Walked back to the lane I had chosen. That's your impression watching from the side, or the hot tub, or not watching at all because nothing seemed odd. What really happened was this - I went swimming today. Came out of the ladies change room and noticed there was no guard standing close enough to ask which lane was free. Walked slowly around to the deep end as if with purpose. Judging movement in the water. Tested a coughs echo off the wall. Stepped around the puddle I knew to be always there. Placed my cane on the ground by the lane I hoped and prayed was in fact empty. Took three deep breaths to ensure no movement there. Turned and walked to the hook to hang my towel and place my glasses on the ledge. Turned again... Recounted the steps and the angle of my turn to get back to my lane without falling in the pool. Felt the grate under foot and my cane with my left finger tips. Sat down and put on my cap and goggles. Someone came and sat beside me. They asked to share a lane. I went into a big "absolutely... sorry if I bump you ... I don't see very well" speech. Start every journey with hope and faith.
Movement and chaos in the water brings me to swim faster. As if my body is craving a rush or my head just wants to get out of the pool again. Give me a quiet still water and I could swim in silent peace forever. Movement and chaos and I'm counting strokes to the next breath.
Finish every journey with belief.
From the pool to a strength class. Not my usual instructor. I get to give my speech again. To my trainer, to my neighbours, to .... who knows... This trainer doesn't demonstrate the same way. We are both learning today. Start every journey with hope and faith and carry stubbornness with you close at hand.
Walking home from the gym my mind is on fire. It's also asleep. Singing the same song on repeat. Usually I have a Tom Petty, Elton John, American Pie internal carrying tune. Today my walk home was inspired by the dark side of motivation... and "I'm not afraid" ... but maybe I am... and just don't care? Truth is a horrible companion. She is a needy cranky unaffectionate soul that stops me in my tracks without notice.
Yes I am afraid. I hate crossing this road. I hate not knowing if your turning signal is on. I hate that look I'm thinking you are giving me as if to wave me on... I want to scream..."I CAN'T SEE YOU" ... but instead I give my speech..."sorry (grin) I don't see very well... didn't mean to get in your way"
Finish every journey with belief...
... It occurs to me that I give an impression as a disabled person. A heightened illusion that we are calm and sturdy and all things capable. That we have a sense of fight and determination that seems lacking in ... say a teenager when you are trying to get them out of bed on a Saturday. This is false and I am endlessly sorry for that. I struggle in every moment. I stand up straight only when you are looking. The problem is I never know when you are looking... I strive to bypass an understated expectation of the disabled person. However... in so doing... people believe in me.
Let me be the first to admit that is an intense responsibility. There are days when the sky is dark enough for all things...and days when I cannot leave my house. The space in between is carefully frustrating. Especially as a parent. Start every journey with faith and hope....
Today I stopped at a Tim Hortons and bought myself a coffee. That's what it looked like. But really what happened was... I thought about it for five blocks. Wondered if I could cross the drive through. Panicked about whether a driver would wave me on. Considered my actual need for coffee. Which was increasing with the stress. Misjudged the distance between me and the puddle I could hear them driving through. Shoved my chin higher... scrambled to read the amount I owed that no one read outloud.... Started to sweat in my winter coat from stress. Crossed the same drive through. Stood on the corner and thanked the lord for a red light so I could catch my breath.
Finish every journey with belief.
It's Runstreak day 433 today. I did that, despite and because of.... my disability.
Peace to you in running :)
Finish every journey with belief.
I went for a swim today. Put my cane down by the lane, walked my towel over to the hooks. Placed my glasses carefully on the ledge. Walked back to the lane I had chosen. That's your impression watching from the side, or the hot tub, or not watching at all because nothing seemed odd. What really happened was this - I went swimming today. Came out of the ladies change room and noticed there was no guard standing close enough to ask which lane was free. Walked slowly around to the deep end as if with purpose. Judging movement in the water. Tested a coughs echo off the wall. Stepped around the puddle I knew to be always there. Placed my cane on the ground by the lane I hoped and prayed was in fact empty. Took three deep breaths to ensure no movement there. Turned and walked to the hook to hang my towel and place my glasses on the ledge. Turned again... Recounted the steps and the angle of my turn to get back to my lane without falling in the pool. Felt the grate under foot and my cane with my left finger tips. Sat down and put on my cap and goggles. Someone came and sat beside me. They asked to share a lane. I went into a big "absolutely... sorry if I bump you ... I don't see very well" speech. Start every journey with hope and faith.
Movement and chaos in the water brings me to swim faster. As if my body is craving a rush or my head just wants to get out of the pool again. Give me a quiet still water and I could swim in silent peace forever. Movement and chaos and I'm counting strokes to the next breath.
Finish every journey with belief.
From the pool to a strength class. Not my usual instructor. I get to give my speech again. To my trainer, to my neighbours, to .... who knows... This trainer doesn't demonstrate the same way. We are both learning today. Start every journey with hope and faith and carry stubbornness with you close at hand.
Walking home from the gym my mind is on fire. It's also asleep. Singing the same song on repeat. Usually I have a Tom Petty, Elton John, American Pie internal carrying tune. Today my walk home was inspired by the dark side of motivation... and "I'm not afraid" ... but maybe I am... and just don't care? Truth is a horrible companion. She is a needy cranky unaffectionate soul that stops me in my tracks without notice.
Yes I am afraid. I hate crossing this road. I hate not knowing if your turning signal is on. I hate that look I'm thinking you are giving me as if to wave me on... I want to scream..."I CAN'T SEE YOU" ... but instead I give my speech..."sorry (grin) I don't see very well... didn't mean to get in your way"
Finish every journey with belief...
... It occurs to me that I give an impression as a disabled person. A heightened illusion that we are calm and sturdy and all things capable. That we have a sense of fight and determination that seems lacking in ... say a teenager when you are trying to get them out of bed on a Saturday. This is false and I am endlessly sorry for that. I struggle in every moment. I stand up straight only when you are looking. The problem is I never know when you are looking... I strive to bypass an understated expectation of the disabled person. However... in so doing... people believe in me.
Let me be the first to admit that is an intense responsibility. There are days when the sky is dark enough for all things...and days when I cannot leave my house. The space in between is carefully frustrating. Especially as a parent. Start every journey with faith and hope....
Today I stopped at a Tim Hortons and bought myself a coffee. That's what it looked like. But really what happened was... I thought about it for five blocks. Wondered if I could cross the drive through. Panicked about whether a driver would wave me on. Considered my actual need for coffee. Which was increasing with the stress. Misjudged the distance between me and the puddle I could hear them driving through. Shoved my chin higher... scrambled to read the amount I owed that no one read outloud.... Started to sweat in my winter coat from stress. Crossed the same drive through. Stood on the corner and thanked the lord for a red light so I could catch my breath.
Finish every journey with belief.
It's Runstreak day 433 today. I did that, despite and because of.... my disability.
Peace to you in running :)
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