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Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Tales of disabled running

It's a Tuesday. It's not a special day. It holds no mystery. It reveals no truth. It gives away nothing in particular. It's just and simply, a Tuesday.

I considered going for a run after work today.

How many times have you had this innerdialogue  during the day? How many times have you waxed or waned on determination or waiting? How many details have entered into the equation swaying your decision one way or the other? How many bartering or self rewarding tricks did you use? And why?

Surely it's not because we don't love running. It's not because we don't actually remember how wonderful it is to get started and see what happens. Feel what the universe has to say today.

I considered going for a run today after work. 

This thought has filled my head all day as I watched the snow falling. It has spun itself a web of temptation around my worry and concern. It isn't a new inner war for me either. Weighing risk and benefit. Judging danger and fear. Contrasting hope and belief with slightly too stupid and stubborn.

I considered a run today after work. I thought this as I slipped on the way to work. Thinking to myself I cannot let fear win. I cannot let the winter white invisible ground lose the sense of my feet upon it. I cannot forget the fight that wages in my soul to prove something of my .... Of my ... "Ability"? 

Perhaps....

I considered a run after work today... I held this occupying thought on my detailed walk home. Thinking where could I go to avoid sidewalks and avoid traffic? Where could my sense of want and need be balanced with my sense of survival? I found a few intersections the hard way on the four block walk home. The noise from the cars in the snow out-decibling the normal traffic patterns I've become attuned to.

I considered a run after work today. I missed one yesterday. Runner guilt is only ever outdone by mommy guilt. I can't possibly let this slide. Swirling thoughts set in my head as I watch the roads dissapear into the white cover of my least visual season - winter.

My favourite line of any poem in the history of my highly undereducated mind goes something like this ;

I will not go quietly into the night, but rage rage into the dying of the light.

I considered a run after work today. Translated into I must try again. I must do better. I must face every fear with courage and strength. Even if I have none. I must not let all the worlds boundaries become my mindset. 

Simply put - stop considering. 

Self talk of a disabled runner.... One who is rather afraid of the unknown. 

Did you consider a run after work today? If so, what made the decision? Was it being tired? Was it busy schedule? Was it chores? Obligations? 

For me it's always fear. Today I fear the ground I cannot see. I fear the traffic that may not stop. Mostly I fear the me that would not consider going for a run after work today. 

Cheers to you on the run!

Much love,
rm