A solo lesson learned...

Stubbornness is so problematic...  And it eats away at you.  It masks fear and rearranges logic.  It's the voice in you're head that denies reality just for that pertinent moment of decision making.  It stops you from looking both ways before crossing the street because you didn't hear anything coming.  It sends you on that last lap around the track when you know dam well you're done and now risking injury.  It's the motivator for greatness 2% of the time.  It's your date with destiny the other 98%. 

Stubbornness and I have a grand long winded history.  We've seen each other through the most dire moments of weakness and pain.  We've carried the torch together through road blocks and past failure.  I owe a great deal to it.  I have friends that call me a 'high-maintenance' blind girl, because I can't stand to pass up on things.  But yesterday stubbornness and I switched roles.  Usually (pardon the language) she's my bitch, yesterday - she put me back in my place.  She reminded me just how mortal (and dumbassed) I am.

My 7km trail run, solo guilt inspired because I passed on hills in the rain; turned quickly into a 5km trail run.  The above tree greeted me ever so gracefully with a not so gentle tap on the head.  It reminded me of the kick in the pants that karma gives you when you know you deserve it. Ego bruised, I retreated home.  Now fully embracing my new founded reality of life, liberty and the need of guide runners. More importantly the need to ask for help and not be so stubborn all the time.

Stubbornness can carry you only so far, love takes you the last dash. Stubbornness can breed isolation.  Nearly 33 years into this life and I'm still learning the value of community and shared spirit.  Peace to you in your running.  Share it with someone you love and bring a smile to their lives too.

Thoughts on a Monday

A race, cold wind and the splatter of snow on my cheeks.  There is no exit from the greatness you wish to accomplish within yourself the moment they say start. All systems go, whether you've managed a pre-race pee or remembered the straightening of your sock.... It's time. Will the road under foot.  Will the space of your heart to hold the hope of your goal.  The nearness of breathing leaving your lungs too soon.  Push push pushing... Feel the whining in your subconsciousness. Left on the side of the road like dog droppings to decompose in its own inner battle of judgement. 

I am here.... I am here.

Heart in my ears, guides encouragement on my periphery.  Focus on something but brightness everywhere.  The goal ahead but every second an internal battle not to close your eyes and give in to failure. It's there, so close you can taste it.  No one counting on me but me.  Yet here I am.  Fighting my way up this hill that feels like death on a mountain.  Tempting me to stop, find another ambition in life.  Search for some other passion to pour my soul into.

I am here.... I am here.

No ipod in my ears, just the sound of feet, cars, and sweat crackling off my forehead.  Focus and breathe.  Hurry hurry they are waiting. Those I must hug, those that brought me here.  Those that saw me through when I could not see myself.  So often I can't see myself.  Through shrouds of doubt, misgivings and in vain attempts to push beyond and above... There is no shadow to remove on the race course, Just you and your truth.  It all comes to bare.  You lay it all out like stained imperfect laundry for the neighbours to see. Opening yourself up for judgement and fear.

I am here... I am here....

Just before we started, a woman seemed surprised that my goal was 2:45:00.  Hers? 1:55:00... I'm not here seeking that kind of miracle.  I'm here for the taste of salt on my lips.  I'm here for the burning in my calfs.  I'm here to find something to be proud of.

After we'd finished a comment from a friend; surprised I'd done so well considering I hadn't run much lately.  Apparently my last 107 days meant nothing.  Sweat laid down, matched drop by drop with tears.... Means something to me.  I've created myself with every step and every hopeless encounter with myself.  I've etched myself in my destiny...

Day 108 529km total... ottawa half marathon on may 29th... there again to stand firm on my ground and say....

I am here... I am here...

Taperless taper?

In the space between words I wait for you
Like a 7 year old for birthday cake
In the pause between baited breath I wait for you
Like the moment after jumping and before diving
In the crevice of mental clarity self denied I wait for you
Like the realization that your little white lie is no longer yours to keep
I wait for you....

Clothes laundered and set out neatly... in the bunched up pile at the foot of my bed
Shoes laced and orthotics inserted... or I'm sure they're around here somewheres
Water bottle filled.... minus several nervous sips and a few spills
Gu's bagged and ready... oh wait I still need to get those....

Willing the clock, stopping the dance that causes me to think and second guess my sanity
Through mud, rain and on yonder un-run roads.... I come for thee....
And sure I may pray the guide doesn't plan practical jokes of leaving me,

To race, to run... to see what will become... to step across that land of what I know to be true and to ......
To above all create a place in my future for me ...

Alarm set - that I'm sure of... For tomorrow is race day!