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Wednesday, October 22, 2008

October inspired decisions, pink underwear and more

Now you're paying attention aren't you? I'm on a reading week at school and that means that I am not in class but frantically attempting to play catch up with homework. It's funny you know I wasn't aware that I was even behind on my homework. How sad for me. Anyways, other than homework, I've been motivated to rearrange my furniture. This is a common occurrence in my home and I'm surprised that my husband hasn't left me yet - or at the very least threatened to glue the furniture down. There is something to be said for the sweet bliss of walking into a room and knowing that everything has a place. It just happens to be a different place than it was last week. This move involved more than furniture. Kid #2 decided to write on his wall the other day. Now I don't know about you but if I was going to brave the world of permanent markers on my parents walls i would be particularly careful as to the word I chose to put down.... I know what he chose means something, I just cannot figure out what. However when he was scrubbing "pig" off the wall, most of the paint came with it. We are in the process of switching rooms and putting the boys together - so the pig room (as it has now been coined) is ours now. But I would not have it such labelled. Poor dear tolerant hubby rushed off to the paint store and now my lovely kid free pig bedroom is pumpkin spice. I love it. I had to choose something bright enough that even I could tell it was bright. I'm hoping, crossing my fingers now, that this was not an October inspired decision.

And on to the pink underwear. I took the kids to walmart last week. The big evil store is close to home and cheaper than I can thank them for. So off to evil walmart we went. I was getting the kids snow stuff (apparently just in time too) but also needed new underwear. Did you know that rash decisions are made in times of great stress? Stress like when the baby is crying and wants down and the older kids want to go back and look at the toys they know I'll never buy? Stress like, this is the first time in like three years I've been brave enough to even buy my own underwear. (Remember legally blind now and asking for visual assistance in this area of the store is not so much fun) Stress like, read that size, find that price, no honey you can't have those pretty argyle socks. Stress like, there is no dinner waiting for us when we finally get home and who has the energy to make it? Stress like, and here is the kicker, being colourblind in the underwear section at walmart. Stress like two older kids who think it's kind of funny once in awhile to pull a fast one on mommy when she wants to know what colour something is. All that being blogged.... let me just say it takes a special kind of person to want to wear pink underwear. But it takes an entirely different kind of person to wear them out of defeat.

I am defeated.... by a nine, six and one year old.

Okay, times up.... off to run.

ADO WORLD.

Monday, October 13, 2008

flightless birds

On this day, the day we all sit and celebrate turkey murder, I deemed it appropriate to discuss a number of things - but most importantly our dear friends the domesticated flightless birds.

My first thought on our domesticated friends is, wow it must suck being you. Welcome to our domesticated lifestyle; born inside, live inside, die inside. And of course, even though we may not eat the cat, you and your penned swine friends ultimately wine up on our plates. You are born not knowing that your ancestors and wild friends do fly - up to 55 miles per hour (so google tells me). All you know is what's in front of you. And that - dear bloggers - is one of my astonishing and thought provoking points of the day.

Kid #1 asked me yesterday as she went to bed why I am running? I thought about that. Why? It isn't like I am endlessly running, it isn't a habit - gosh it is still a pain in the butt. Leave my bed, go outside in the cold? Lose my breathe? What for? My answer to her was, because as your mother I felt a big responsibility to stay alive for a very long time and running helps keep me healthy in order to do that. She was astonished that mothers had to think about these things. She also wanted to know why I was cooking after everyone went to bed, or doing the laundry. Because, according to her, this would be a good time to eat ice cream and watch tv. It was an interesting conversation.

It's very easy to slip into a routine that is too comfortable. Being happy does not necessarily mean sticking to what you know. And my last astonishing point of the morning is this; we are flightless and some might even venture to suggest that we are also domesticated too.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Strength

Strength. It takes courage to even spell the word - and yet here I am typing it. Laying it out there for the world to devour, etching it in web space... how brave of me.

So here is my thought. We all have varying degrees of strength, and what I find interesting is that our opinions on what strength is, or what kind of strength in general we talk about - don't correspond with our varying degrees of personal strength. There is the strength that lifts heavy things and is thus important to a person who relies on their ability for sustenance, or an athlete who deliberately practices lifting things. There is the strength of my cup of coffee. And this, make no mistake, udders huge importance in my ability to maintain homeostasis. There is the strength of someone who constantly deals with others troubles.... like a counsellor or a foster parent. Then there is this moment, this thought that occupied my brain at 3:30am this morning. There is a category all its own for mommy strength.

In this group we have things like; the ability to not sleep and still function for months on end, the capability of moving beyond the yellow crayoned writing of the nine yr old on the chair that read 'I hate mom', the magical realisation that there will never in fact be enough dark chocolate in the world and that that is okay; learned agility to maneuver over public comments on my mothering style (because we all know that people who witness 30 seconds of an interaction are much more knowledgeable than the mom who has put in nearly ten years) .... and i think, my fantastic acting/makeup skills at being able to put on a smiling face in the most miserable moment because I know being miserable means a terrible afternoon with the kids. Mommy strength goes a long way. I know some other mommies that deserve awards for theirs.

So today I'm celebrating my mommy strength - and as Q says, I'm doing my victory lap singing to myself "we are the champions".....

Running log update: I broke the 50 km marker but only just barely as I had my first experience with deliberate hills. I'll be adding another 3.5 very shortly.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Timeless

Some things are timeless. Some memories last for what feels like eternity. Some people leave such a mark on your soul that they are, to you, unchanging. We'd like to remember them as they were. They, of course, are quite pleased with their personal growth and adaptability. Humans, as a collective (collective because we are most certainly not a herd, or family or swarm) as a collective then, are adaptable. But for some reason we see the characters in our memories as unchanging, as stuck reliving that time in their lives over and over again. I remember thinking as I grew up that everyone else around me was just there to watch. Look at me grow up. Very egocentric I know. Give me a break I was like two at the time and not a fan of higher thinking.... just play dough and stealing my sister's toys.



There are, now at my ripe old age, many things I have come to know as in constant flux and change. Timeless has become a concept for retro attachments and baby's memory books. Kid #2 started losing teeth. It's scary because he made it 6.5 years without any change and now - just all the sudden.... BANG teeth falling out. The ages and stages of my kids lives are only timeless in my memory. The crawling, walking, first words.... it's all changing. I've been in school now for a full five weeks. I've been running now for six. Time isn't standing still. Time is stealing itself away from me while I sleep. (or try to), while I ride the bus, while I type the words that are trapped inside longing to come out... time ticking away. I chose Massage Therapy because of the flexibility the career offers to me for the kids. I chose now as a good time to do it for two reasons; 1, we are broke, and 2. the kids are not incredibly old. The three years that this program is going to take will fly by without notice unless there are documented, detailed and memorized. I hate missing out on the moments that I'm away - and yet you learn to appreciate time more when you do leave, for intermittent seconds here and there.

My morning rant ends here - and my musical quote is from FF who says "for a moment".... so today i am deep breathing in the moments and remembering that I am not timeless.....

My running log - I'm behind on updates - Yesterday I ran my personal best 4.5 km (in the dark in the park with my group) in 33 minutes (although that may have something to do with fear of bears) this brings my total up to around 49km. The cell dollar today is trading high at 98.7 ATP.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

8 hours 26 minutes and 19 seconds

91 km's of old rail trails later, my team came in fifth. I'm excited to know that I added the last 30ish minutes to that total. My first race participation. My first race experience My first dog scaring the crud out of me experience. It's true what they say you know - you do run faster scared. If I could bottle that feeling, recycle it every day.... but then why not?

I'm jumping on my soap box for a minute. (Okay in reality I never actually got of it as this is MY blog) and I feel a rant coming on. Deep breathe. You know my sister used to be my university paper editor and always told me that reading my work required taking deep breathes at the beginning of each sentence. Alas, I am a lover of the run on sentence. I have to be a proud supporter as I feel it is an endangered grammar. It's my cause - I'm just saying.

Anyway back to my rant. I have this sinking feeling that some people may be offended so let me apologise ahead of time. In my recent three and a half weeks back at college, I have determined that our newest adult generation knows nothing of disability. Knows nothing and lives contentedly within that ignorant bliss. I am comfortable walking without my id cane, mostly as the purpose of a cane is to tell others of my blindness - so i figure if the wall wants to jump forward and be bumped into, then so be it. Plus I have this whole issue wondering - where do you put it while using the rest room? You know no matter how I manage it, I have to pick it up and carry it to the sink to wash my hands.... I'd love some feed back on this one as currently I am "that" lady who scrubs her cane after washing her hands in the ladies room. Back on track, ignorant bliss. What is the purpose of an id cane, if not to inform and acknowledge a disability's presence? Here are my following three suggestions the next time you see someone with a white cane;

1. they may be blind, but they are not deaf... and yes I know it's weird that I washed my cane in the sink this morning, stop talking about it - i can hear you!

2. they may be blind, but they are not stupid.... we do not need coddling, don't talk down to us - besides which I am pretty tall!

3. they may be blind, but they already know it.... once your pea sized brain actually wraps itself around the meaning of the white cane - realise we already know, no auditory explanation is required.

Again my apologies....

See this is why my new found obsession, other than breeding the run on sentence, is to bottle that feeling at the end of my race. Here, I've done something, finished something, been part of something and I feel great. People are happy for me, cheering me on, and are altogether unafraid of catching my disability. Wow respect never tasted so good! I am exhausted trying to educate the world about disability, and / or trying to find a place for myself within their scope of reality. It is time - I have decided - to create a new reality. This is my grand scheme....

Now I just need to figure out the appropriate habitates of that run on.... Nobel prize, here i come.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Dancing in the dark

Toddler 3 has this habit - it's cute, adorable even. He dances, he jigs, he swings his little baby hips and puts his hands at hip level with the palms out and grins bigger than a kid at a birthday party. He is my movable, grovable, entertaining toddler. His only down fall is the choice of music - dance music. You know that car that drives by and makes you clench your jaw and wonder 'who in their right mind would listen to that racket'....? Yeah, that's become my car, my ears, my heart thumping and my toddler in the back seat grinning and swinging his hips in the car seat. Baby Enstein hath nothing on my toddler!

But here's the thing, it's catching on. Kid's 1 and 2 are joining in. Kid 1 surprised me, she is particularly shy and into chillin' on the couch with a good book. Kid 2 is very expressive and exhaustively emotional. And now they are all dancing. Dancing unashamed and uninhibited, with the lights on, and the curtains open. And that's saying something as we live on a very busy street. But I have noticed - they don't care. They dance, they laugh, they are unafraid. They are the smartest people I know! (Of course I'd like to think my genes had something to do with that)

This whole back to school, back to crowds, back to other peoples schedules, other mindsets, bedtimes that matter, laundry that can't be done 'whenever', meals that must be made ahead, three minutes of shower time booked two weeks in advance, ..... deep zen breathing..... thank goodness there is dark chocolate! It has taken its toll. I wish my hair would turn grey, I have earned it! Kids 1 and 2 come flying off the school bus ready to gab and chat and talk talk talk..... toddler 3 bounces off his bottom and comes flying at me to nurse the moment my feet come off the bus. It's challenging to find the clutch, the means to change gears at the end of a long ( or short) day of classes. I feel most times like I"m driving automatic and hit the breaks searching for the clutch. (That was probably the biggest visual metaphor I've ever used! And that's saying something from a legally blind person)

So my epiphany moment. My kids, they have it figured out. Dam the blinds and the neighbours! To heck with criticism! I need an outlet just as much as the next six year old.... I'm dancing too! Life is a dance anyway.... my footwork needs some work. So today my musical quote has no credit as I don' t know who sings it but they say "just dance". is there room on your dance card?

Running log update - I ran my first race yesterday. I have been doing interval running up until now but yesterday I didn't stop. I also haven't ever gone over 3 km. And yesterday I hit 4.1km. How very exciting. IT made the chocolate taste so much better today. My total is lost in my head, but I think we are up to around 36km and the cell dollar is trading higher today around 89 ATP!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Posture

Up straight and aligned with the stars. Today it occurred to me that public transportation is an exercise in postural maintenance. In class we have been learning proper body mechanics so that when our three years of education are over we can go to work without burning ourselves out and wearing out our bodies. What does all this mean? It's another futile effort in retraining the mommy brain to take care of the mommy. Public transportation denies me the ability to watch my seated posture. Usually I'm too busy trying not to toss my cookies in order to concentrate on sitting up straight. But here's the kicker - in class, we are graded on it.

If there is one way to make me stand/sit up straight, it's to deny me A's.

Wait there's more.... Posture is not just about proper body stance; it incorporates so much more. It says huge amounts as to your ability to not only have confidence, but project confidence. It is not merely physical, but mental and emotional. Like bad hair days are completely linked to moods and outlooks - posture is too. The positive feedback loop (aha see I have been paying attention in class) that runs this is also a kicker. Because if you slouch (mentally and physically) then you feel run down and depressed - which in turn causes you to slouch and that in turn lead to more run down feelings, which in turn.... You get the idea. And also just like a positive feedback loop there is an end in sight (like childbirth.... wow there's the baby!), only with posture its about life changing moments. Defining moments where you have to be still and breathe and listen to your breathing and think about deciding how to proceed - before you even contemplate proceeding.

Stop now and breathe....

And again......

Did you feel it? When you stop and correct the breathing pattern your busy day let get away from you.... your posture changes. They talk about meditation altering stress levels, about yoga strengthening your mind, about exercise increasing your self esteem.... I think well of course! They all remind us to stop. To think for one tiny millisecond of time about our breathing, about our lives, our direction and our purpose... and specifically our posture. And if all else fails, ask someone to grade your posture for you.

Tomorrow morning is my last practice run before my first in race run. I'm hoping all goes well. I'm hoping the baby sleeps, dear hubby doesn't snore, the kids don't get up early. I am hoping I don't forget how to breathe. Tomorrow is also my first day of tests. Two in one day. How very exciting.

And now I feel, like FFF says "like I'm standing for the first time"....

Running log update - somewhere around 29km.

Monday, September 15, 2008

amost as good as clean sheets

Ok so there are some things in life worth going on and on over. Like yesterday I put clean sheets on the bed. I know I know - sheets? You're going to talk about sheets? Well yes. But follow me on this one. Three kids, a dear hubby who works out of town and is gone 14 hour days, back to college, breastfeeding, pumping, chores, house stuff, cloth diapers - and blogging.... I don't know about you but I'm amazed I even made my bed, let alone put clean sheets on. So now, what's better than clean sheets? That's right, clean sheets and shaved legs. All the ladies know it. (Wow that was a very sexiest thing to suggest, I guess some of the ladies may not know it and select guys might be quite comfortable knowing it! Apologies)

What's the point right? Okay... school is going well; apart from the stress of running back and forth and staying up to do homework and packing lunches for four the night before, and missing out on an entirely good weekend to cook for a week. But this one awesome part about school is that my practice class requires that I shave before. (Again assumption there but I believe my partner thanks me.) Did I mention I'm training in massage therapy? What is the one thing moms never give themselves time to do? WHY shave of course! So that's my exciting rant of the day. Clean sheets and freshly shaved legs. How very grown up of me.

It's true though, all moms harbor guilt. Like it's our best friend.Guilt over time and space is my biggest one. Although food is a close second here. Kid's one and two are on gluten free diets and toddler 3 has undergone allergy elimination treatments to enable him to eat gluten etc. So now that I am able to eat that devilish, decadent stuff, I have guilt in eating it in front of them. Soon I tell them ... soon. But back to guilt; it is consuming. I feel wrong sitting here typing while there are chores to be done, homework calling me, lunches to finish making. So why am I?

It's therapeutic of course! (Just like the sheets) Chocolate aside, we all need to learn to mother ourselves. When we become mothers, we forget to mother ourselves. I find this interesting as at that very moment when you become a mother - your mother tends to think you've got it figured out. (SORRY MOM!) but it's true... the birth of each child has increased my mothering, further decreasing my mothers' mothering. So not only have I forgotten to mother myself, but my mother is constantly reminding me of the importance of such an activity. I need to mother myself. I need time and space and mental dialogues.... (side rant here, but the other day I was talking with dear hubby and he didn't respond. When I asked why, he said 'oh sorry I assumed that was part of the running dialogue' wow I guess I do have a running dialogue) Where was I ? Oh yes, what I need.... I need my family, I need good books to read, I need coffee and once in a while I love to spoil myself with shaved legs and clean sheets......

Now none of this would be possible without having all that I have and knowing all that I know and further being fully aware of the large amount of things I know nothing of... but today because I'm sharing the responsibility of who i have become, in the words of U2...." all because of you".... I knew enough to have clean sheets....

ADO!

Friday, September 12, 2008

Misunderstandings

Well today is dawning the sun of misunderstandings. Toddler 3 seems to think that when I get up - he should get up. The coffee pot seems to think that it can perk slowly. The laundry has decided to require my efforts to get from washer to dryer. It's funny you know; I can help three kids to walk, eat, train... but no matter how hard I try, that laundry will not get up off its butt and walk itself to the dryer. I'm thinking of inventing some kind of doc brown style pulley system to help it there. And then after my journeys through time I will be able to catch up on all the sleep I've missed for the last ten years. I wonder if my mother sleeps now?

Having three kids with all six feet on the floor has a great impact on my understandings of the world. Or at least my very small part of it. It's difficult to explain and further complicated by the knowledge that in retrospect twenty years from now, things will be different again. The phases of my life have taken me here and now sit me in front of this computer, for example. I am spending more time wondering how the phases of my children's lives will take them on a whirlwind tour of the world.

There are, however, a few things I have decided so far in my journey. 1) Money is just a thing, and I hate how attached we all are to it. 2) modesty is an invention that only serves us sometimes. 3) Misunderstandings can create the biggest grumpies in the world. The invention of text messaging is desperately annoying. I would like to think I can master some forms of technology but this is beyond me. The messages i send go god know where and never help the way they were intended. By the time I am over the let down of this technology I'm angry at the arguments I had with the recipient in my head. I'm also annoyed that I relied on it at all. This ends up in the land of misunderstandings when the recipient has no idea they had even become as such. And so I relent.... I will never win this techy war. I just take the bus and avoid as B.H. says..."Waiting for you".

My big running update! I broke through the 23 km mark yesterday. How very exciting indeed.

TTFN all.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Baby steps

The pitter patter of feet hit the floor today. Determination must be genetic as toddler 3 began walking at a run. There are no slow steady steps here. He is preparing to live his life in a manner that will exhaust his surroundings before he has had time to take them in. Like the computers that are nullified the moment you buy them or the cars that decrease in value as you drive them off the lot. Destined to be a nascar driver or a kung fu commercialist - he is going to take life on a full speed. We've found a reason for the year long insomnia. My efforts will switch from dancing without regret and shyness in the living room to teaching him deep breathing and stretching.

In the meantime, I am hoping that my running will provide enough energy to keep me awake to chase after him. I will have to figure out have to unstick his fast forward button. Now I really have uncovered my age.... I'm speaking VCR speak.

Yesterday in my anatomy class we were learning about our cells energy currency. ATP is the cell dollar. My new favourite saying has instantly become "today the cell dollar was trading low..." Managing not to run around in circles for the last week and a half is my biggest accomplishment. I have a hard time remembering bus times and classroom locations and focusing on the material. Interesting as the learning is, I am still stuck in the moment of my acceptance. Or even the moment when my dear hubby pushed that mouse button to accept my offer of acceptance. Insanity began in that millisecond. Responsibility doubled, and the spirits chanted their rain dance of pride. My heart might be in the focused learning - but my mind needs a zen recapture moment. A parasecond of time to imagine what I have done to my life.
One breathe at a time, one dance at a time, one baby step at a time.
D.G. reminds me that "Forever is tomorrow is today".... DEEP ZEN BREATHING!!!

Running log: approximately 19km maybe even 20km. It gets easier.

god, i hope it gets easier.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Aging distractions

I'm feeling, in an abstract way, very aged. Not aged because I've aged, or aged because I'm tired and worn out; but aged in an unintentional-oops-too-bad-for-you-you-can't-lie-about-your-age.... aged way. I"m beginning to understand my mothers comments about how she couldn't be 29 anymore. How, in order for her to lie about her age, she had to lie about my age. Not in addition, we have to lie about my children's age. Baby #3 is officially, on Wednesday, toddler #3. One year. That is a very long time - especially when it's your whole life.

One year of no sleep. Insomniac toddler #3 has only just learned to sleep. One year of no sleep. One year of parenting changes. Every aspect of mothering I swore never to embrace was mine. Every aspect of mothering I swore to always embrace - I've relinquished. Learn to go with the flow. Fluid - we all must be fluid. A constant changing ebbing sense of humanity. Deep Thought would be proud.

There may be 42 answers to infinite questions, but life around here has been in flux. Surprisingly, toddler #3 seems to miss kid's 1 and 2 more than anything. He is rather used to having them around. They make good playmates; they do everything for him, they give him everything he wants; they let him throw, hit and in general go crazy. What a life.
To eat, sleep (or not), play and poo. Toddler #3 had his birthday party today. Kids are resilient. we have many things to learn from kids. Like deep belly breathing. Kids breathe that way naturally. Who taught us not to?

The flux and flow that my life has become is allowing for thought beyond tomorrow's dinner and yesterdays laundry. This is a good thing, a refreshing thing. The trouble is, tomorrow's dinner is still waiting there in my imagination, trying to piece itself together like a masterpiece awaiting approval. And yesterday's laundry is tapping it's toes in the basket by the washer, trying to impress upon me how high it should rank on my priority list. This week, my first week of back to's - was buffered. Dear hubby was home and busy hands kept the factory of our flux and flow in constant homeostasis. Tomorrow dawns with nanny time and school buses and packed lunches and too heavy bags... and parents both leaving at 7:30am. Time will tell is what they say. My question is what is it going to tell? Why do i have to wait for time to tell me? Why can't I make it up as I go along? I'm flexible, just I'd rather aim for positive outcomes.

Too much energy - or maybe just too much cake. Well when life (or time) provides you with a tidal wave of flow - B.B's. recommend "surfing"

Tomorrow, since I have a specific lack of beaches, I'm off to run with the Achilles runners again. Our intervals are longer and my total is up to nearly 14km. How very ambitious that sounds....

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Guilt Free

Chocolate... that's what is on my mind today. Chocolate. And since I'm the master puppeter of this show - that's what we are talking about. See now the truth comes out; running as an outlet for nervous energy you say? Nah! For the guilt free consumption of chocolate. But hold on there, not just any chocolate, dark dark chocolate. Or as dear hubby would say the kind that sucks all the moisture out of your mouth leaving you longing for a glass of water or milk. At least 70% dark if you please. and you can hold the milk and the water.... Bring on the coffee. Nothing goes better with a rich dark chocolate than a rich dark brewed coffee.

And alas.... as the nursing mommy of baby 3 chocolate is not as prevalent as I would like it to be. And even further down the lane of depression is the fact that since i've started back at school - my supplier seems to have dried up completely. And all the running i've been doing i'm fully intending on banking up for guilt free chocolate consumption. The mysterious disappearance of chocolate and the increased amount of homework are linked in some magical way - I just know they are.

But guilt free isn't just about chocolate, although as just proven I could go on and on about it. It's about time and space and everything in between. For me, it's about learning to claim a space and time that is my own and taking and rejoicing in that moment without guilt. Yes I can has become my new mantra; Yes i can get up early and it's okay. Yes i can stay up to do homework and it's okay. Yes I can spend extra time away after class to study and it's okay. The mommy responsibilities are all still there waiting for me. Yesterday we learned proper deep breathing in my practice class. IN with the good air all the way down to your belly "yes i can be here now and everyone will survive" - out with the bad air and tension. Relax relax relax..... The down side to this is of course that the nursing momma that's away from baby 3 tends to leak when too relaxed. So today I'm rejoicing in the invention of nursing pads.

And in the words of N.J. " I'll be thinking about you"....

Running total - nearly 11km and counting.
think of all that chocolate?

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

The Two Week Challenge....

Two weeks? Yes that's right. Fourteen days. Non stop. No breaks. I wonder if I'm up to it. Someone asked me today if I was taking the two week challenge. Today was our first day of 'back-tos'. Everything in the house was strange this morning, like the calm before the storm. Insomniac baby 3 (who is actually venturing into dream land of late and therefore deserves a new name), decided to get up at five. Now I"m a morning person, I like mornings. I like the way the air smells. I like the way the world is politely quiet even if not actually sleeping. I love the darkness that holds little of the same fear that a few hours previous had. I love watching the steam raise off my morning cup of joe and hearing the first bird songs drift across the yard. Now pause and breathe that in, because once baby 3 is up, it's over. There is no quiet, there is no sitting still and the house or porch is filled with the sounds of pitter pattering little feet. These sounds I love too.... just more or less AFTER the cup of joe. Besides which, knowing that I was leaving him for hours meant that he needed a similar routine. So I hastened to help him back to slumber land. By six I was so full of nervous energy that my mind was racing and in no condition to settle down. So I left the now sleeping baby 3 with dad and went out for my third attempt at this running business.

Third attempts are like icing on the cake. You like the cake, it looks good on the plate. You scrap the icing off to eat last. You eat the first half of the piece and feel great - unstoppable even. During the second half you begin to have doubts; it feels too heavy, too rich, your tummy starts to turn... what have you gotten yourself into? But then after a break and some excellent cuppa, you brave the icing.... and the smooth creamy chocolaty sugar slides around your tongue. At that moment you know - it was all worth it. It is glorious!

Then later you hit your bathroom scale and jump into your favourite jeans. Both of which are a bit disappointing. Now translate back to running. My shins ache, my ankle is throbbing, my body says 'what were you thinking you dumb silly cookie monster' (colourful adjectives removed of course). Still when all is said and done, run three is over. And our total distance is up to 8.5 km. Not bad for a lazy butt like me.

I've got to pick my way back to the path I was laying. The two week challenge. Right ok so here's how it works; for two weeks you stay positive. No negative postures, thoughts, opinions, behaviours etc. No negative energy. No pessimism, no back talk, whatever. And the kicker? If you find yourself slipping - you have to hit the restart button.

TWO WEEKS?

Lets try one day. We've got to gear up to these things now. Besides, there are a lot of plates with a lot of cake and icings that need attention.

Tomorrow is the second day of back to's in our house. The dawn will find me jogging again with Achilles in town. Those brave souls getting up so early for me. And of course baby 3 will need to be reassured that life goes on - even without mommy.

Watch out.... as the Beatles say "here comes the sun"!

Monday, September 1, 2008

Investments

Life, and balance, are about investments. This I have decided, and only just this morning in the wee hours of dawn was my opinion heaved out of a thought and wedged into cement. With a slamming thud I began to believe that the thought that was once lingering and wavering above my head - was actually now settling itself into the foundation blocks of my values, my core beliefs. How did I come to this cross roads? That is a difficult question.

No one seems to need you until you have to walk away. When your feet are stuck in the sand and you continue to shout 'I'm here, what can I do for you?' the world keeps spinning. But the instant that you maneuver your soul in a variant direction - there is this pause and then a realization that wait a minute... change is afoot. Investment is not as simple as standing still and waiting for direction, or being ever present and ready for the storm. It's more complicated. It involves an inspiration and imagination that provokes involvement at a deeper level. It's more like, forward thinking about the needs and hopes of others and streamlining the cosmos to help before you're asked. Like yesterday, I made a weeks worth of meals in preparation for the first week of school/classes. Forward thinking instead of standing in the kitchen ten minutes before dinner is suppose to be ready... tapping my toes... wondering where to start.

The thing is, it's particularly comforting to slip into a routine of being ever-present. It's not that far removed from being taken for granted. As the saying goes 'we don't know what we've got until its abducted by aliens' or something like that. Blame aside, I'm the one having made myself ever-present. The expectations of others set themselves around that as a starting point. And so, instead of getting upset and being melancholy; I'm changing course. I'm moving to investing.

My grass is happier when I think about it before it's ten feet tall or brown. My kids are happier when I steer them into an activity before they start arguing. My mental state is much more balanced when I invest in a positive outlook. Sort of a bank deposit thing.

This morning dawned on my second attempt at running. Three things occurred to me as I was struggling to keep oxygen in my body; 1) running is like moving furniture, if you stop in the middle because you're tired, you are likely to have a fridge in the living room; 2) if I can stay awake with insomniac baby 3 for eleven months, I can do this; and 3) baby 3 will need to transition with me into investments, as baby 3 was particularly cranky that i left at 6:00am. In the end however I still managed a second interval run of nearly 30 minutes and a hopeful distance of (assumption here) nearly 3 km again.

And so I'm off to start my investment lifestyle. I'm definitely starting by investing in a new sports bra.


Today, in the words of T.P, I'm "learning to fly".....

Sunday, August 31, 2008

The first attempt

So because I have not yet configured my intelligence to the inner workings of an online running log; I'm posting the details here. There is no better place.

My first attempt then, was an interval run; which I'm told is a good mix of running and walking. Sounds good to me, it allowed for much needed activities inbetween (like breathing). On August 29 I surprised my dear hubby with driving directions to the nearest path. Watching him drive without a previous directional knowledge was almost as enjoyable as the look I got when we got there. So I hooked up with our local Achilles running group (big shout out to the wonderful volunteers who were more than willing to run slow for me!) And after much chatter about the do's and don't's.... we ran. (At turtle pace but again - I like breathing) Nearly thirty minutes later we had accomplished a nicely set goal of 3ish km.

You didn't expect exacts from me did you? I am not a gadget runner. And since I can't drive the routes after (or before) to check on the distance... I'm going of the guesstamations of those I was with. Besides some small part of me is rather proud of having done 3ish km.

Next adventure --- monday morning six am. Hey wait a minute, that's tomorrow!

In the meantime, tuesday is school for the older kids; lets call them kid 1 and kid 2. Kid 1 quite excited, kid 2 very nervous. baby 3 (currently undergoing transitions to toddler 3) is starting day care etc. this week. Baby 3 does not know what's coming. But in the meantime, we are cooking freezer meals and cleaning house and all enjoying mom's improved mood. (although I believe I'm the only one brave enough to say so!)

With so much going on and so much about to change, it is easy to overwhelmed by the distractions of details and imperfections of the plans. That's the point right there; the evil that seeps in after dark, or the doubt that takes ahold when doors lock out the world would have us relent into this conundrum.

Now in the words of A.N. ...."just breathe"

Saturday, August 30, 2008

The Finish

I know, it's a strange place to start a blog; 'the finish'. I have my reasons though. I'm a forward thinker, a perseverer, a persistent soul and more to the point; if I can't see the point I'm not in it.



So welcome, welcome one and all. My blog, my not so private space for ranting, venting and most importantly adventuring. And of course, like most bloggers out there, I do have my reasons for pursuing this grand investment, this not-so-thoughtless writing journey. I again hold no claims to fame in assuming that I am the first person to blog at the threshold of a life change. And indeed it is such a life change that has brought me here. So lets begin....

I am a mother, a wife, a legally blind person, and so much more. The more is the part I'm here to investigate. I'm about to be a student (again), about to leave my one year with a care giver, about to be busy busy busy. Needing a space and time to claim as my own, I have also made another decision. I have started to run. You might wonder, am I running away from or towards something. Let me refresh your memory to my initial paragraph. That should make it as clear as mud.

Imagine that.... My space, My time, My ambition, My energy. Not something for others, not something to further engage with responsibility - but a moment, a breath (one I've held for much too long) just for me.

So I'm returning to the beginning - which in this case is of course 'the finish'. What's the goal? To manage, to maintain, to finish, to stand tall in the face of adversary.

Why to change the world of course! Could there be any other reason to do anything?

In the words of b.h. then..... "with my own two hands"