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Friday, May 18, 2012

Inner strength

Any runner could attest taper is hard, both mentally and physically. Any runner could also tell you having to pull out of a hopeful race is another hurt altogether.

So it's true, I'm not invincible. However that's only because I haven't perfected my invincibly booster juice yet. I'm working on it. I've found the end of my run streak... How sad that is. It wasn't the day of bad family news, or the day of overdue bills, or the day after my marathon and not even the day I had a drink before bed then realized... Oh crap I haven't run yet. It was exactly where it needed to be, on the day I asked my body to run and the response was no.... Not today dear.

Strep throat plus fifths disease both took advantage of my weakness and moved into my ear. With one hours warning, a full rupture of the right ear drum stopped my break neck chaos in its shoes. Literally.

But I am blessed. 498 days I got to run. 498 days I chose to see past excuses and through unmotivated moments. 498 days I had the chance to connect with myself through this small and simple gift I call running. Thunderstorms, freezing rain, black ice and every possible heat wave in between... All taught me the inner strength needed to move on.

And here I am... Not running. The most frustrating place to stand is still. The most difficult task to undertake is not that hopeful marathon you'd someday like to finish. It's here... Not moving. Seemingly not breathing. Not doing much of anything except... Healing and gathering inner strength for your next step.

So many many people both physically close and online distant, helped support, motivate, inspiration, tolerate and guide me through my run streak. Endless thank you's sent out to the universe.

Plans have changed, as plans do. Ironman dreams postponed for a year. And run streaks to resume in the fall. Summer promises new landscapes as our family preps to move cities. Trail running is about to win. Bringing this blind girl closer to nature and closer to balance. August will be my first ultra race... The dirty girls 24hr ultra in mansfield Ontario. And September I'm lucky enough to run a 50k course close to my husband.

In the meantime, to give you an idea... I have 8% vision and before could run solo at the right time of day (darkness) However with only one functioning ear I am stumbling and clumsy ... There is no hope of running solo until at least some hearing returns. It's amazing how much we make use of our senses without actually knowing it.

My challenge for all the brave runners out there... Find a friend, go to a track, take turns running a lap blindfolded and guiding a lap... See how things change when your world takes on a very different shape. And let me know how it goes!

Disabled athletes everywhere would love for your volunteer time as a guide runner, biker, swimmer... Look for Achilles track clubs near you to volunteer.


And as ever.... Peace to you in running :)

Friday, May 11, 2012

Giving Grace

.... One Introspective Runner Moment  (or getting through injury/illness while training)

Giving grace the control I long to keep just for myself.  Giving grace the soul that I have claims to but no ultimate authority over.  Giving grace my every hope, my every dream of being better, of better being.  Giving grace the desire I breathe in every time I turn over in my sleep.  Giving grace the need in my feet to move the planets to make the world feel whole. Giving grace my fear that reflects back at me with a devilish daring grin.  Giving grace my suppression, my hold back, my just a little bit of myself for protection.  Giving grace my appreciation, my love, my affection, my lack of it.  Giving grace my fight, my stubborn, my determination, my imperfections, my perfectionism.  Giving grace my anger, as it serves no one, Giving grace time to fix my heart. Giving grace the sight I don't have to direct me in the brightness.  Giving grace my faith.  Giving grace that longing in my every muscle fibre that prays there is some kind of truth found at the end of a 100 mile run.  Giving grace my gratitude for those who tolerate my insanity to continue searching for it.  Giving grace my DNA to mend and find a way to make an entire person out of what culture deems to be incomplete.  Giving grace my hands to help others who cannot help themselves.  Giving grace my everything lost in the quiet.  Giving grace that sunset, that sunrise, that moment in time that stopped and took in just one molecule at a time selfishly just for me not caring about mother earth or the status of laundry.  Giving grace my guilt and reservations.  Giving grace back my angel. Giving grace my inner compass and intention.  Giving grace my balance and my chaos and my unintentional search for them both. Giving grace my sad song sung in the moments of near giving up. Giving grace my perceptions of truth and reality.  Giving grace my here and now, my external boundaries, my every energy.  Giving grace my sense of karma, my sense of score keeping.  Giving grace my hurt and blame. Giving grace my voice... it's not mine anyway.  Giving grace my notion of can do and impossible. Giving grace my goals and standards.  Giving grace sensory disruption and focus. Giving grace more than grace wants all in prep for overcoming obstacles and surviving half ironmans and ultra running.  Giving grace my gravity.... so that I might fly...