Four weeks to race day. My first ever tri... Four weeks until I lose the glasses that protect me from so much and give up and give in and give everything - plus a drop of sweat. Four weeks left to jump in the water and push myself. Four weeks of promises kept. Four weeks of courage and strength and sleepless nights worrying about disappointing onlookers. Four weeks of deceivingly slow calm sips of coffee when you're looking and frantic gasping when you've turned away.
Four weeks to stand up straight and practice the picture pose. The one you'll see and I won't. Four weeks of .... waiting, trying, hoping. Four weeks of training.
Today I swam 1km in the pool beside a boy half my age with perfect form. His breast stroke was twice the speed of my crawl. His waves were synchronized in such an intimidating fashion. The force of his stroke and speed pushed me against the ropes. It took my breath away and rammed pool water in the tiny intricate spaces of my lungs where only air should be permitted. I hated it. I cursed his approach every lap.
Then the pool cleared out and he moved over to the next lane. I nearly asked him to come back. Return the chaos to my swim. I'm soon to be lost in it. I'm soon to be stuck in it. Forcing me to breathe tactlessly, gracelessly and with a hunger that only a labouring woman would know.
I closed my eyes. I swam faster. I pushed and hoped the clock would stop. The funny thing is I wasn't racing for a personal best, I wasn't trying to find my limits. I just knew that my daycare in the gym was about to end. Hurry hurry... I'm nearly done kids.
It did come out my personal best. I managed to only throw in 4 laps of breast stroke in 40 of crawl. 27mins. I'll take it. I'll thank my kids. Do what you can with what you have. I had 28mins.... It all worked out.
It came after a bike, a run and a workout. There was another young man spinning beside me at the gym. He asked me (during his endless uphill ride in which he never sat down) if I cycle a lot. I do not. I'm a runner I said.
Who am I to say what I am? I haven't lived my life yet. I am anything. I am everything. I am transitioning. Hmm... fitting for tri training.
15km spin today... 25:06min. I wanted to stay on that bike until he had to sit down. Until he gave into the need that his legs created and crumbled. Not to see him fall, but to watch him get back up and try again. Motivation comes from odd places. I had 26mins set aside for cycling. It all worked out. I'll be there kids.
The treadmill makes me dizzy. When the only thing that you base your foot strike on it the passing wind, or the sound of others footsteps and then nothing is actually moving... It's problematic. I climbed the speed in the familiar ladder I was used to. Only the treadmill was on the other side of the gym, and the sun was glaring on the panel. Thinking I was at 6.8 I managed to hold 7.0 for a full min.
Who am I to say who I am? I haven't lived my life yet.
Run was 3km 15:26mins. I had 15mins set aside for the run.. I figured.... the spin was faster and I hadn't fallen on my face walking to the treadmill so why not? I'm on my way kids....
The mat and I share more sweat than I'd care to admit. The odd time I can catch the glisten of the bead as it reflects off my glasses on its way down. It speaks to me, it says... I am leaving but you are beginning. And I wonder... Is this what you see?
Time holds meaning beyond meaning for me. It's the one thing I do not have any of in my life and the one thing that seems constantly stolen from me. They say no one can take what you do not willingly give.
In the mean'time' my bistro set sits unattended, lonely and sullen. It says stop waiting for someone to make you tea and take your hand and walk you here... come and sit and be still....
This is my tantrum. This is my training vice. Time and space..... And a quiet cup of tea.
day 197 of 365 days of running current total 1014.23km
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
tangled laces...
There are days I close my eyes just to stop myself from trying to see. That might not make sense, but sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do. Do you remember when you were little and riding on the handlebars of your friends two speed bike down that big town hill towards all things dangerous and forbidden.... closing your eyes and just letting go? Or grabbing that swing rope and taking that last big inhale before swinging out over the water?
Running for me is like that. ... Most days.
The days it's not are the days I know something is off. Then I know it's time to refocus and find myself. I'm sure I'm here, somewhere lost in sweaty clothes and tangled shoe laces. So what does a runner do when they need to refocus?
Why they run of course.
They find that long stretch of road, and go when no one is looking or in my case when everyone is sleeping. They feel the rhythm of their feet pushing the ground away. They count the blessings of each golden drop of sweat as it drips down their face. They listen to their bodies sighing with sweet relief for just running - not for a race, not for a dream, not for a someday.... For now. For here, in this moment... for the greatness that comes from untangling your shoe laces and reigniting the fire under your soul.
Somedays I close my eyes when I'm running, I trust the ground that has always been there, will indeed rise up and greet my feet as old friends. It's in those moments, when I'm not holding on to anything - that I have everything I every wanted and more.
365 days of running current total day 192 ... 984.1km
Running for me is like that. ... Most days.
The days it's not are the days I know something is off. Then I know it's time to refocus and find myself. I'm sure I'm here, somewhere lost in sweaty clothes and tangled shoe laces. So what does a runner do when they need to refocus?
Why they run of course.
They find that long stretch of road, and go when no one is looking or in my case when everyone is sleeping. They feel the rhythm of their feet pushing the ground away. They count the blessings of each golden drop of sweat as it drips down their face. They listen to their bodies sighing with sweet relief for just running - not for a race, not for a dream, not for a someday.... For now. For here, in this moment... for the greatness that comes from untangling your shoe laces and reigniting the fire under your soul.
Somedays I close my eyes when I'm running, I trust the ground that has always been there, will indeed rise up and greet my feet as old friends. It's in those moments, when I'm not holding on to anything - that I have everything I every wanted and more.
365 days of running current total day 192 ... 984.1km
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
In the distance....
In the distance, far ahead there stirs a silence so consuming that no butterflies dare attempt flight through it.
It sits like a fog overhanging trees, caressing mossy rocks, blanketing the rays of sun that fight to push through.
It stands there occupying space and time as if to declare.... tread no further until you've thought this through.
Pooh bears thinking spot would be more welcoming than this calm imposing quiet.
But there is no honey pot here.
In the distance ever reaching, parades the hope you haven't yet managed to duct tape so securely to your belt.
It dances like the grass skirt you'd never be brave enough to wear.
Sweet forced stillness evermore intense, evermore dense takes over all thinking
And you are left, swimming guideless across this ocean....
In the distance vastly present, seen without the prescription quite required for a typical clarity moment, a future reaches out and waits.
In the haze of your creation, all things become translucent and transcend.
When the leaves fall they'll take with them this chaos of unknown direction and shine the light on the path beneath.
Temporarily displaced, untethered and alone in land of in between, waiting.
In the distance, see me sitting, peacefully plotting... images of grandeur and all things blissfully possible.
It sits like a fog overhanging trees, caressing mossy rocks, blanketing the rays of sun that fight to push through.
It stands there occupying space and time as if to declare.... tread no further until you've thought this through.
Pooh bears thinking spot would be more welcoming than this calm imposing quiet.
But there is no honey pot here.
In the distance ever reaching, parades the hope you haven't yet managed to duct tape so securely to your belt.
It dances like the grass skirt you'd never be brave enough to wear.
Sweet forced stillness evermore intense, evermore dense takes over all thinking
And you are left, swimming guideless across this ocean....
In the distance vastly present, seen without the prescription quite required for a typical clarity moment, a future reaches out and waits.
In the haze of your creation, all things become translucent and transcend.
When the leaves fall they'll take with them this chaos of unknown direction and shine the light on the path beneath.
Temporarily displaced, untethered and alone in land of in between, waiting.
In the distance, see me sitting, peacefully plotting... images of grandeur and all things blissfully possible.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Taking stock
Updates to start -
Ottawa half marathon done and finished with a 5min PR.... 2;25;13.... All made possible by my wonderful guide who never gave up on me. Very excited about that. However much it makes you realise that life will only get easier if you allow laziness to enter your dreams and stifle the fire in your soul. I say put up a safety perimeter and let those motivational flames burn so friggin' bright that you scare the neighbours. I say (not so quietly from behind my keyboard and softly clicking mouse).... NEVER say die... Hope breeds like rabbits... set it free.
First ever Zoot Open Water Swim race done.... 1km of wetsuit swimming tethered to my dear darling (and oh so brave) husband, 34:40min... I'm sure he's dreading my next big idea. Ok so the time kinda sucks but you know what???? I did it. I took off my glasses (the only thing that allows me the 8% vision I have) and gave up my hearing (thus nullifying all direction and bearing) and swam. I swam with trust and hope and the all out notion that gosh darn it.... there has to be a shore somewhere. I swam realising that the impossible is only so because I allowed someone else to place it on such a high unattainable shelf.
All of which makes me wonder - under who's dictatorship do I live and why did this become so?
Graduation and award ceremonies done. Dress donned and hidden well under the gown of the day. Three years of no sleep and determination, three years of life changing horrific home life challenges, three years of not feeling the ground under foot for more than a few tainted moments, three years of secretly crying in the dark hoping to be enough..... three years to put on a polyester gown that smelled like last years occupant and all their hopes and dreams. .... Three years to feed my family on rice and beans and all things student loans granted and denied.... Three years to have them tell me I could not have a guide to help me walk across the stage. To which I say.... Watch me... I believe enough in my self to not fall off. Watch me...
And now... eight days left until my board exams. Eight days until I can finish this culmination of greatness that amounts to .....? Now there's a question. Real life, oh how I've hidden from you. Real life with all your hopes and dreams, all your fears and misconstrued directions.... Get me lost... I'm so much better that way.
Friday I had the time to run solo on country roads. Directions given from a loving friend by phone, notes left for dear husband, shoes on and water bottle in hand.... Proving once again the only thing you need to run - is the will to run. Freedom with each step. Salt on my lips. Slow sweet time ticking by garmin free. Watch your feet, no one else here to help. Teaching me to be responsible. Teaching me to turn the talk inward and stand tall. Chin up and see the next hill without fear. Works for me as I never see the hills coming. Not until they are underfoot.
Take the path, follow your heart, show yourself you can. If you have to stop to walk in between, whether it be for a crossing turtle or a speeding pick up truck or simply to stop and see how far you've come.... then walk. All forward motion counts. (Even if you have no clue where you're headed)
Peace to you in all things running and beyond.
365 days of running current total as of the end of day 162 - 842.46km
Ottawa half marathon done and finished with a 5min PR.... 2;25;13.... All made possible by my wonderful guide who never gave up on me. Very excited about that. However much it makes you realise that life will only get easier if you allow laziness to enter your dreams and stifle the fire in your soul. I say put up a safety perimeter and let those motivational flames burn so friggin' bright that you scare the neighbours. I say (not so quietly from behind my keyboard and softly clicking mouse).... NEVER say die... Hope breeds like rabbits... set it free.
First ever Zoot Open Water Swim race done.... 1km of wetsuit swimming tethered to my dear darling (and oh so brave) husband, 34:40min... I'm sure he's dreading my next big idea. Ok so the time kinda sucks but you know what???? I did it. I took off my glasses (the only thing that allows me the 8% vision I have) and gave up my hearing (thus nullifying all direction and bearing) and swam. I swam with trust and hope and the all out notion that gosh darn it.... there has to be a shore somewhere. I swam realising that the impossible is only so because I allowed someone else to place it on such a high unattainable shelf.
All of which makes me wonder - under who's dictatorship do I live and why did this become so?
Graduation and award ceremonies done. Dress donned and hidden well under the gown of the day. Three years of no sleep and determination, three years of life changing horrific home life challenges, three years of not feeling the ground under foot for more than a few tainted moments, three years of secretly crying in the dark hoping to be enough..... three years to put on a polyester gown that smelled like last years occupant and all their hopes and dreams. .... Three years to feed my family on rice and beans and all things student loans granted and denied.... Three years to have them tell me I could not have a guide to help me walk across the stage. To which I say.... Watch me... I believe enough in my self to not fall off. Watch me...
And now... eight days left until my board exams. Eight days until I can finish this culmination of greatness that amounts to .....? Now there's a question. Real life, oh how I've hidden from you. Real life with all your hopes and dreams, all your fears and misconstrued directions.... Get me lost... I'm so much better that way.
Friday I had the time to run solo on country roads. Directions given from a loving friend by phone, notes left for dear husband, shoes on and water bottle in hand.... Proving once again the only thing you need to run - is the will to run. Freedom with each step. Salt on my lips. Slow sweet time ticking by garmin free. Watch your feet, no one else here to help. Teaching me to be responsible. Teaching me to turn the talk inward and stand tall. Chin up and see the next hill without fear. Works for me as I never see the hills coming. Not until they are underfoot.
Take the path, follow your heart, show yourself you can. If you have to stop to walk in between, whether it be for a crossing turtle or a speeding pick up truck or simply to stop and see how far you've come.... then walk. All forward motion counts. (Even if you have no clue where you're headed)
Peace to you in all things running and beyond.
365 days of running current total as of the end of day 162 - 842.46km
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Two weeks worth of coffee left to drink
I'm thinking perhaps I've lived my life in countdowns for far too long. And yet, here I sit again, counting down to race day, counting down to board exams, counting down to the beginnings of triathlon training, counting down to the next cup of coffee. ... As if the stirring will move my dreams into focus and reshape reality into the stepping stones needed underfoot.
It's a chilly rainy day here in the Patch. Perfect as always for a solo long run. The heavens have cleared the path, created the way within the chaos for me to run. This, my 135 day of this "runstreak" .... will be. No adjective there - it just will be. I'm not predrawing those descriptive lines, I'm not constricting it's possibilities. Let it be. By the grace of God and all that is good and peaceful, let it be.....
There is a calmness to this chaos. There is a methodical manner in coping with the movements through the minefield. It creates a stubbornness all too familiar to my senses. It manifests itself in the moments of potential that take your breath away. It whispers softly..... all is possible.... reach for it.
Of course I reach in the darkness, from hope and into the mist in front. I may not actually see any of it there .... But believing is the most important step. After all, this ain't no line dance... step out and break it down!
365 days of running current total = 682.28km Today's 20 will get me over 700km.... kinda cool :)
It's a chilly rainy day here in the Patch. Perfect as always for a solo long run. The heavens have cleared the path, created the way within the chaos for me to run. This, my 135 day of this "runstreak" .... will be. No adjective there - it just will be. I'm not predrawing those descriptive lines, I'm not constricting it's possibilities. Let it be. By the grace of God and all that is good and peaceful, let it be.....
There is a calmness to this chaos. There is a methodical manner in coping with the movements through the minefield. It creates a stubbornness all too familiar to my senses. It manifests itself in the moments of potential that take your breath away. It whispers softly..... all is possible.... reach for it.
Of course I reach in the darkness, from hope and into the mist in front. I may not actually see any of it there .... But believing is the most important step. After all, this ain't no line dance... step out and break it down!
365 days of running current total = 682.28km Today's 20 will get me over 700km.... kinda cool :)
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Four Weeks From Now....
Transitions carry us from one point to another. Transitions boggle our minds with frustrating moments of stages and inches of progress. Training is transition. Four weeks until race day. Ottawa Half Marathon has my bib # in it... Three weeks of long runs left. Three weeks of speed work. Three weeks of tempos. Three weeks of figuring out what I'm made of. Three weeks of healthy eating and stretching. Three weeks of singing loudly off key and dancing around the living room when no one's home.
Transitions. I'm in my cocoon. You can't see it, but my wings are growing. My colours are going to blow your mind. Just wait until you see my wing span.
Transitions. What if I can't fly?
In the moments of quiet (few and far between in a house of five).... But in the moments of quiet, just after the birds start their praise, before the thundering feet of 3 year olds.... In those moments my heart steals my attention. It says this, with every lub...
...... "You don't even realise..... you're life is lived in transitions"
And it seals it with each dub.....
Then the world takes over and you're caught in the swing.
Time to get my run on. Solo 18k waiting for me. It's a nice dark day. It's a great day to be alive and feel free.
365 days of running total 587km....
Peace to you in running and all transitions.
Transitions. I'm in my cocoon. You can't see it, but my wings are growing. My colours are going to blow your mind. Just wait until you see my wing span.
Transitions. What if I can't fly?
In the moments of quiet (few and far between in a house of five).... But in the moments of quiet, just after the birds start their praise, before the thundering feet of 3 year olds.... In those moments my heart steals my attention. It says this, with every lub...
...... "You don't even realise..... you're life is lived in transitions"
And it seals it with each dub.....
Then the world takes over and you're caught in the swing.
Time to get my run on. Solo 18k waiting for me. It's a nice dark day. It's a great day to be alive and feel free.
365 days of running total 587km....
Peace to you in running and all transitions.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
A solo lesson learned...
Stubbornness is so problematic... And it eats away at you. It masks fear and rearranges logic. It's the voice in you're head that denies reality just for that pertinent moment of decision making. It stops you from looking both ways before crossing the street because you didn't hear anything coming. It sends you on that last lap around the track when you know dam well you're done and now risking injury. It's the motivator for greatness 2% of the time. It's your date with destiny the other 98%.
Stubbornness and I have a grand long winded history. We've seen each other through the most dire moments of weakness and pain. We've carried the torch together through road blocks and past failure. I owe a great deal to it. I have friends that call me a 'high-maintenance' blind girl, because I can't stand to pass up on things. But yesterday stubbornness and I switched roles. Usually (pardon the language) she's my bitch, yesterday - she put me back in my place. She reminded me just how mortal (and dumbassed) I am.
My 7km trail run, solo guilt inspired because I passed on hills in the rain; turned quickly into a 5km trail run. The above tree greeted me ever so gracefully with a not so gentle tap on the head. It reminded me of the kick in the pants that karma gives you when you know you deserve it. Ego bruised, I retreated home. Now fully embracing my new founded reality of life, liberty and the need of guide runners. More importantly the need to ask for help and not be so stubborn all the time.
Stubbornness can carry you only so far, love takes you the last dash. Stubbornness can breed isolation. Nearly 33 years into this life and I'm still learning the value of community and shared spirit. Peace to you in your running. Share it with someone you love and bring a smile to their lives too.
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