Thoughts on a Monday

A race, cold wind and the splatter of snow on my cheeks.  There is no exit from the greatness you wish to accomplish within yourself the moment they say start. All systems go, whether you've managed a pre-race pee or remembered the straightening of your sock.... It's time. Will the road under foot.  Will the space of your heart to hold the hope of your goal.  The nearness of breathing leaving your lungs too soon.  Push push pushing... Feel the whining in your subconsciousness. Left on the side of the road like dog droppings to decompose in its own inner battle of judgement. 

I am here.... I am here.

Heart in my ears, guides encouragement on my periphery.  Focus on something but brightness everywhere.  The goal ahead but every second an internal battle not to close your eyes and give in to failure. It's there, so close you can taste it.  No one counting on me but me.  Yet here I am.  Fighting my way up this hill that feels like death on a mountain.  Tempting me to stop, find another ambition in life.  Search for some other passion to pour my soul into.

I am here.... I am here.

No ipod in my ears, just the sound of feet, cars, and sweat crackling off my forehead.  Focus and breathe.  Hurry hurry they are waiting. Those I must hug, those that brought me here.  Those that saw me through when I could not see myself.  So often I can't see myself.  Through shrouds of doubt, misgivings and in vain attempts to push beyond and above... There is no shadow to remove on the race course, Just you and your truth.  It all comes to bare.  You lay it all out like stained imperfect laundry for the neighbours to see. Opening yourself up for judgement and fear.

I am here... I am here....

Just before we started, a woman seemed surprised that my goal was 2:45:00.  Hers? 1:55:00... I'm not here seeking that kind of miracle.  I'm here for the taste of salt on my lips.  I'm here for the burning in my calfs.  I'm here to find something to be proud of.

After we'd finished a comment from a friend; surprised I'd done so well considering I hadn't run much lately.  Apparently my last 107 days meant nothing.  Sweat laid down, matched drop by drop with tears.... Means something to me.  I've created myself with every step and every hopeless encounter with myself.  I've etched myself in my destiny...

Day 108 529km total... ottawa half marathon on may 29th... there again to stand firm on my ground and say....

I am here... I am here...