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Thursday, January 24, 2013

Stacking Stones

Delicately replacing yourself with the one you long to be takes precious time.  It's a quiet practice of stacking stones on top of each other while there are few and far between seconds of time in space.  Time being what it is, merely a construct of this here life, we feed that fire of seconds endlessly.  One stone, I got up today and realised I needed a rest.  Ok even superhero wannabes have pj days and tea hand warmer moments when all that matters is the last run on sentence I managed to coax on the screen.  Stone two, which I place unbalanced on top... guilt for missing a work out.  And the stack falls down.  Everyone has that moment.  And if they don't then surely they are closer to superbeing status than I.  Gather my stones and re-examine depth and desire.  Weigh the stone in your hand.  Does perseverance come before truth or after?  In the case of this blind athlete, that depends on the day, the activity and the elements.  Sunny day, no guide runner, long solo run... ok maybe... but add wind and take my hearing and maybe not.  Getting up at earlier than my stupid o'clock is easy enough to do, but perhaps the rest is just important?  Maybe today.... perhaps today the dream needs just as much time to brew in that slumber in the dark when no one but my soul is tangled in the story line.  Perhaps today the lyrics are being rewritten to allow for curiosity for that road I never take out of fear.  Perhaps today ... I might say no to myself when I ask in the quiet alarm interrupted silence for five more minutes sleep. 

Later the stones lay scattered along the path I travelled mentally for the five free minutes I didn't have.  Later, after I came back to look again, to feel again, I brought along my secret weapon - laughter.  I carried with me the hopes of my children.  I tagged along my husbands knowledge and experience.  I brought my tea too.  And together, we are unstoppable.  The stones stack nicely this time around.  They have regrouped knowing there is no point in holding back their strength.  This time we worked together.  This time the stack was a wonderful mix of understanding and the right fuel, crumbled together with rest and effort.  Added to a heaping dose of motivation and desire.

The only enemy I have along this road of training and dream chasing.... is myself.  It's not time, or sleepless nights, or worry or fret.  It's exactly what I make it.  It has the face I give it every day.  Its' etched harshness is only as deep as I let it go. 

Every mountain you climb has stumbling blocks.  Well that's not new news.  Sometimes though, we forget that there is a series of mountains with valleys between.  This time, down in the valley, before the next climb... I made a choice.  I chose to roll around in the mud and dead leaves to both camouflage myself from the next fear that jumps out and... to remember having been here.  Because, inevitably... we all end up here sometime....

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