Time stands still, only every second counts. How can counting occur if time froze in its tracks? One two buckle my shoe.... And I sit here in wait. Like a Neanderthal for the next lightening strike to cook my supper. Like a classic bronte character for the spring thaw.
Oh sure, there's technology to help me keep track. Or maybe track my brain cell loss? Or trace my decomposing patience with every refresh click. Three four shut the door. And I sit here in wait. I can't run you in. I can't tie your shoe, check you pulse, feed you... No all I can do is curse you. In such a loving way from so far away. This idle ironmans wife ... Sits in wait, like a spider who walked in fresh paint.
Real life is unforgiving. People want food, attention, things ... Time and love from me. And that's complicated as I am as scattered as stardust on a kentucky wind. I'm neither here, nor there. Five six pick up sticks. And I sit in wait. Or don't sit, as the case may be. I shuffle, I move, I act all engaged. But this thing you chose to do, to accomplish, is disengaging my core. Even if I pushed you to test yourself. To try to be the better you. To try to hope you escaped your youth unscathed and unscattered and committed. Leaving me so scattered wondering if there are pieces to pick up.
You don't come from privilege. You haven't the best toys and gadgets and gizmos. You have drive and love and the will to keep going past the point where we all would stop, us idle ironmens wives. We'd stop and say that's enough for today. And make tea and fold laundry in quiet contempt of the clock that steals away our dusk. Seven eight Lay them straight. And I sit in wait. So uncomfortable and in such longing to know... Are you ok?
And you on that road, shuffling your feet... To a beat with the giggle of the goonies in your head. To the smell of that tim hortons coffee in your dreams. To the swagger of your 4yo sons singing to somebody that I used to know. And me here, so far away, an idle ironmans wife... Nothing but time and space. Nine ten lets do it again. And I sit in wait. Humming along to the thought of you persevering, to the hope of you hoping, to the need of you moving forward. One foot then the other... So far away from here.
Soon your race will be done and you will rest and recover and drive the long 12 hrs to see me, us, again. Soon you'll realize you've accomplished you've won this deep inner battle with the demons you didn't know. Soon you'll be here sitting beside me, holding my hand saying thank you for the support and kindness and love... And this idle ironmans wife, with every ounce of love and respect, will smack you upside the head and shout "why couldn't you just be an ultra runner???!?!?!"
Until then from this idle ironmans wife.... A million X's and O's...
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Through your eyes
I see hope .. Through your eyes.
I see strength ... Through your eyes.
I see my race ... Through your eyes.
I see my faults ... Through your eyes.
I see courage ... Through your eyes.
Closing my eyes ... This blind girl sees more than your bated breath.
I feel my belief tangled in the steam from my morning coffee.
I feel my specific disregard for rules in the pony tail I feed through my running visor.
I feel my 'self' coming apart under foot as if the earth has turned to dust.
I feel my excitement raging in every fasicial cell, slow twitch every ready to release.
I feel my path through every hushed prayer cried into my silent pillow.
I feel .... Gathering resolution...
I feel grateful to run.
I feel thankful to have dedicated guides by my side.
I feel... Which is foreign of late in itself.
Somewhere in this 24hr race I will lose myself, glimpse myself, release myself, hold myself and find an all too extinct smile I'm sure I buried deep under 100k or so...
I see strength ... Through your eyes.
I see my race ... Through your eyes.
I see my faults ... Through your eyes.
I see courage ... Through your eyes.
Closing my eyes ... This blind girl sees more than your bated breath.
I feel my belief tangled in the steam from my morning coffee.
I feel my specific disregard for rules in the pony tail I feed through my running visor.
I feel my 'self' coming apart under foot as if the earth has turned to dust.
I feel my excitement raging in every fasicial cell, slow twitch every ready to release.
I feel my path through every hushed prayer cried into my silent pillow.
I feel .... Gathering resolution...
I feel grateful to run.
I feel thankful to have dedicated guides by my side.
I feel... Which is foreign of late in itself.
Somewhere in this 24hr race I will lose myself, glimpse myself, release myself, hold myself and find an all too extinct smile I'm sure I buried deep under 100k or so...
Friday, May 18, 2012
Inner strength
Any runner could attest taper is hard, both mentally and physically. Any runner could also tell you having to pull out of a hopeful race is another hurt altogether.
So it's true, I'm not invincible. However that's only because I haven't perfected my invincibly booster juice yet. I'm working on it. I've found the end of my run streak... How sad that is. It wasn't the day of bad family news, or the day of overdue bills, or the day after my marathon and not even the day I had a drink before bed then realized... Oh crap I haven't run yet. It was exactly where it needed to be, on the day I asked my body to run and the response was no.... Not today dear.
Strep throat plus fifths disease both took advantage of my weakness and moved into my ear. With one hours warning, a full rupture of the right ear drum stopped my break neck chaos in its shoes. Literally.
But I am blessed. 498 days I got to run. 498 days I chose to see past excuses and through unmotivated moments. 498 days I had the chance to connect with myself through this small and simple gift I call running. Thunderstorms, freezing rain, black ice and every possible heat wave in between... All taught me the inner strength needed to move on.
And here I am... Not running. The most frustrating place to stand is still. The most difficult task to undertake is not that hopeful marathon you'd someday like to finish. It's here... Not moving. Seemingly not breathing. Not doing much of anything except... Healing and gathering inner strength for your next step.
So many many people both physically close and online distant, helped support, motivate, inspiration, tolerate and guide me through my run streak. Endless thank you's sent out to the universe.
Plans have changed, as plans do. Ironman dreams postponed for a year. And run streaks to resume in the fall. Summer promises new landscapes as our family preps to move cities. Trail running is about to win. Bringing this blind girl closer to nature and closer to balance. August will be my first ultra race... The dirty girls 24hr ultra in mansfield Ontario. And September I'm lucky enough to run a 50k course close to my husband.
In the meantime, to give you an idea... I have 8% vision and before could run solo at the right time of day (darkness) However with only one functioning ear I am stumbling and clumsy ... There is no hope of running solo until at least some hearing returns. It's amazing how much we make use of our senses without actually knowing it.
My challenge for all the brave runners out there... Find a friend, go to a track, take turns running a lap blindfolded and guiding a lap... See how things change when your world takes on a very different shape. And let me know how it goes!
Disabled athletes everywhere would love for your volunteer time as a guide runner, biker, swimmer... Look for Achilles track clubs near you to volunteer.
And as ever.... Peace to you in running :)
So it's true, I'm not invincible. However that's only because I haven't perfected my invincibly booster juice yet. I'm working on it. I've found the end of my run streak... How sad that is. It wasn't the day of bad family news, or the day of overdue bills, or the day after my marathon and not even the day I had a drink before bed then realized... Oh crap I haven't run yet. It was exactly where it needed to be, on the day I asked my body to run and the response was no.... Not today dear.
Strep throat plus fifths disease both took advantage of my weakness and moved into my ear. With one hours warning, a full rupture of the right ear drum stopped my break neck chaos in its shoes. Literally.
But I am blessed. 498 days I got to run. 498 days I chose to see past excuses and through unmotivated moments. 498 days I had the chance to connect with myself through this small and simple gift I call running. Thunderstorms, freezing rain, black ice and every possible heat wave in between... All taught me the inner strength needed to move on.
And here I am... Not running. The most frustrating place to stand is still. The most difficult task to undertake is not that hopeful marathon you'd someday like to finish. It's here... Not moving. Seemingly not breathing. Not doing much of anything except... Healing and gathering inner strength for your next step.
So many many people both physically close and online distant, helped support, motivate, inspiration, tolerate and guide me through my run streak. Endless thank you's sent out to the universe.
Plans have changed, as plans do. Ironman dreams postponed for a year. And run streaks to resume in the fall. Summer promises new landscapes as our family preps to move cities. Trail running is about to win. Bringing this blind girl closer to nature and closer to balance. August will be my first ultra race... The dirty girls 24hr ultra in mansfield Ontario. And September I'm lucky enough to run a 50k course close to my husband.
In the meantime, to give you an idea... I have 8% vision and before could run solo at the right time of day (darkness) However with only one functioning ear I am stumbling and clumsy ... There is no hope of running solo until at least some hearing returns. It's amazing how much we make use of our senses without actually knowing it.
My challenge for all the brave runners out there... Find a friend, go to a track, take turns running a lap blindfolded and guiding a lap... See how things change when your world takes on a very different shape. And let me know how it goes!
Disabled athletes everywhere would love for your volunteer time as a guide runner, biker, swimmer... Look for Achilles track clubs near you to volunteer.
And as ever.... Peace to you in running :)
Friday, May 11, 2012
Giving Grace
Giving grace the control I long to keep just for myself. Giving grace the soul that I have claims to but no ultimate authority over. Giving grace my every hope, my every dream of being better, of better being. Giving grace the desire I breathe in every time I turn over in my sleep. Giving grace the need in my feet to move the planets to make the world feel whole. Giving grace my fear that reflects back at me with a devilish daring grin. Giving grace my suppression, my hold back, my just a little bit of myself for protection. Giving grace my appreciation, my love, my affection, my lack of it. Giving grace my fight, my stubborn, my determination, my imperfections, my perfectionism. Giving grace my anger, as it serves no one, Giving grace time to fix my heart. Giving grace the sight I don't have to direct me in the brightness. Giving grace my faith. Giving grace that longing in my every muscle fibre that prays there is some kind of truth found at the end of a 100 mile run. Giving grace my gratitude for those who tolerate my insanity to continue searching for it. Giving grace my DNA to mend and find a way to make an entire person out of what culture deems to be incomplete. Giving grace my hands to help others who cannot help themselves. Giving grace my everything lost in the quiet. Giving grace that sunset, that sunrise, that moment in time that stopped and took in just one molecule at a time selfishly just for me not caring about mother earth or the status of laundry. Giving grace my guilt and reservations. Giving grace back my angel. Giving grace my inner compass and intention. Giving grace my balance and my chaos and my unintentional search for them both. Giving grace my sad song sung in the moments of near giving up. Giving grace my perceptions of truth and reality. Giving grace my here and now, my external boundaries, my every energy. Giving grace my sense of karma, my sense of score keeping. Giving grace my hurt and blame. Giving grace my voice... it's not mine anyway. Giving grace my notion of can do and impossible. Giving grace my goals and standards. Giving grace sensory disruption and focus. Giving grace more than grace wants all in prep for overcoming obstacles and surviving half ironmans and ultra running. Giving grace my gravity.... so that I might fly...
Monday, April 30, 2012
Holding Joy
I am lucky.
I am blessed.
I am present.
I am both Moon and Sun.
I am the tide that sweeps away your driftwood.
I am the dandelions you smile to see, then think to pull.
I am the ice cream you ate first and the icing you saved for last.
I am the impulse shirt you bought and love to wear.
I am the saving grace you didn't realise you called the heavens for.
I am the fight and the flight.
I am your motivation.
I am the distance that pulls you forth.
I am the memory you carry still.
I am lost in that moment you whispered hope into your coffee presuming no one heard.
I am present.
I am blessed.
I am .... lucky.
.... I am a random pointless prose on a Monday afternoon.
I am blessed.
I am present.
I am both Moon and Sun.
I am the tide that sweeps away your driftwood.
I am the dandelions you smile to see, then think to pull.
I am the ice cream you ate first and the icing you saved for last.
I am the impulse shirt you bought and love to wear.
I am the saving grace you didn't realise you called the heavens for.
I am the fight and the flight.
I am your motivation.
I am the distance that pulls you forth.
I am the memory you carry still.
I am lost in that moment you whispered hope into your coffee presuming no one heard.
I am present.
I am blessed.
I am .... lucky.
.... I am a random pointless prose on a Monday afternoon.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Episode 5.... CHAOS
Long over due... Our episode on chaos did evenutally come together. However, there is a place or two the volume is really quiet. We do hope you enjoy a quick look into our chaotic lives. It's funny how there was so much chaos in the way of the making of this video.
Thank you Terese (director) for all the hard work.
We love to hear from you! Is there anything you'd like to know about what training is like for a blind althete? Any comments or questions please email rmavery@primus.ca
Thank you Terese (director) for all the hard work.
We love to hear from you! Is there anything you'd like to know about what training is like for a blind althete? Any comments or questions please email rmavery@primus.ca
Friday, April 13, 2012
mood swings
Every run has a mood... Every hope has a dream. Every coffee has a sip... Every sock, if worn long enough, gets a twist, as if to say..."Hello up there!!! We didn't agree to 36km!" Every day has a sunrise, even if you can't see it, even if you choose to ignore it, even if you hide your head under your pillow and ignore your alarm. Every ounce of karma has a direction.
I ran on the trail today. As I crossed that fence that takes me there, I found a coach standing. I love coaches. They are my inspiration. They are my fuel. They are my drive to see better in myself. No I do not have a coach. I think they'd hate me too quickly. Anyway, there stood this coach in her hoody, clip board in hand... Pen whistle stopwatch and mood. Standing there...
Here comes the front runners... Highschool cross country? Time trials? Effort oozing...
Every one of the runners I pass in the next 1km exude a different running mood. each one I have had myself in the past... Some I like more than others. Some I embody more than others. Here is my list of running moods... as seen in the highschool track club. Do you see yourself? What's your running mood?
The "Beast" - This guy, was in the zone... He was grinding his feet into the path as if to say... dam it move out of my way! Today I'm the only hero in my story... No smile, Just sweat. No breathing. Just effort. Just now. Born from a nike commercial...
The "Tester" - This guy, found behind the other guy.... Was thinking out loud, I wonder if I pushed a bit harder what would happen? I wonder if I'd gotten my other shoes on this morning if I could move just that much more effectively? I wonder if shorts were a good idea today? I wonder if I should pass the beast in front of me? I wonder if he'd be mad? I wonder If I came back later, alone, if I could do it faster?
The "Grinner" - This guy... was catching bugs in his teeth he was smiling so big. This guy was thinking about how he'd tell this story of third place to his proud momma at dinner. This guy loved the way the world seemed to be offering him a fantastic day. Lets face it, this guy had a fantastic day every day.
The "Grimace" - This guy hated his coach. This guy hated the wind up his shorts. This guy stayed up too late. Had gas from hot peppers, forgot his deodorant, knew he couldn't stand beside that pretty girl for the rest of the day... this guy was going back to school to drink a coke and fall asleep in math class... This guy pissed me off mostly because he was still running way faster than I ever could.
The "Proof" - This girl had full awareness. This girl had perfect form. Her gate was practised. Her feet made no sound landing. This girl was going to the olympics on hard work and skill. This girl paved the gravel path in grace and kindness.
The "Goof" - This guy was in Pj pants. Showed up at school with tousled hair and figured he got points for showing up. This guy was content to be in the sun instead of english class. This guy embraced each step in a calm quiet excuse to slow down. This guy was looking forward to telling his momma later how he really could have slept another five minutes that morning. That "its all good momma!" as he runs back out the door to take out the trash without being asked...
The "Supporters" - These were my favourites... The girl jogging, not running beside the guy who was truly trying his best. The girl fully acknowledging that her speed didn't matter if she had to go alone. This girl quite content to be there in that moment, laughing and inspiring this guy who needed her for help and support. Feeding off each other they would get it done, each with new happy running memories to take away.
The "Survivor" - The last of the pack... The football player that hasn't played in two years. The guy that came out to the team practice because the coach looked at him like potential not like a has been. The recently (last 15 minutes) ex-smoker with a dream. The guy that would walk if he had to, the guy that would likely not say anything to his momma later... But the same guy who might go out on sunday after his chores were done... to see if he could run a little bit on his own. The guy who was gathering strength and following a new path.
Today was my day 468 day of running... I am a moody moody runner... Are you?
I ran on the trail today. As I crossed that fence that takes me there, I found a coach standing. I love coaches. They are my inspiration. They are my fuel. They are my drive to see better in myself. No I do not have a coach. I think they'd hate me too quickly. Anyway, there stood this coach in her hoody, clip board in hand... Pen whistle stopwatch and mood. Standing there...
Here comes the front runners... Highschool cross country? Time trials? Effort oozing...
Every one of the runners I pass in the next 1km exude a different running mood. each one I have had myself in the past... Some I like more than others. Some I embody more than others. Here is my list of running moods... as seen in the highschool track club. Do you see yourself? What's your running mood?
The "Beast" - This guy, was in the zone... He was grinding his feet into the path as if to say... dam it move out of my way! Today I'm the only hero in my story... No smile, Just sweat. No breathing. Just effort. Just now. Born from a nike commercial...
The "Tester" - This guy, found behind the other guy.... Was thinking out loud, I wonder if I pushed a bit harder what would happen? I wonder if I'd gotten my other shoes on this morning if I could move just that much more effectively? I wonder if shorts were a good idea today? I wonder if I should pass the beast in front of me? I wonder if he'd be mad? I wonder If I came back later, alone, if I could do it faster?
The "Grinner" - This guy... was catching bugs in his teeth he was smiling so big. This guy was thinking about how he'd tell this story of third place to his proud momma at dinner. This guy loved the way the world seemed to be offering him a fantastic day. Lets face it, this guy had a fantastic day every day.
The "Grimace" - This guy hated his coach. This guy hated the wind up his shorts. This guy stayed up too late. Had gas from hot peppers, forgot his deodorant, knew he couldn't stand beside that pretty girl for the rest of the day... this guy was going back to school to drink a coke and fall asleep in math class... This guy pissed me off mostly because he was still running way faster than I ever could.
The "Proof" - This girl had full awareness. This girl had perfect form. Her gate was practised. Her feet made no sound landing. This girl was going to the olympics on hard work and skill. This girl paved the gravel path in grace and kindness.
The "Goof" - This guy was in Pj pants. Showed up at school with tousled hair and figured he got points for showing up. This guy was content to be in the sun instead of english class. This guy embraced each step in a calm quiet excuse to slow down. This guy was looking forward to telling his momma later how he really could have slept another five minutes that morning. That "its all good momma!" as he runs back out the door to take out the trash without being asked...
The "Supporters" - These were my favourites... The girl jogging, not running beside the guy who was truly trying his best. The girl fully acknowledging that her speed didn't matter if she had to go alone. This girl quite content to be there in that moment, laughing and inspiring this guy who needed her for help and support. Feeding off each other they would get it done, each with new happy running memories to take away.
The "Survivor" - The last of the pack... The football player that hasn't played in two years. The guy that came out to the team practice because the coach looked at him like potential not like a has been. The recently (last 15 minutes) ex-smoker with a dream. The guy that would walk if he had to, the guy that would likely not say anything to his momma later... But the same guy who might go out on sunday after his chores were done... to see if he could run a little bit on his own. The guy who was gathering strength and following a new path.
Today was my day 468 day of running... I am a moody moody runner... Are you?
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