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Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The end of the beginning

There's a moment when you know you can't stop, you know that somehow you've built up so much energy that inertia alone will carry you through the next terrifying moments of chaos. 

When you are standing there, staring tentatively downhill at the obstacle before you knowing that the skiis are strapped on, the parachute is ready, the lights about to turn green and pink slips are on the line.... when you are quivering in your core at the thought of the next five seconds.....

Inevitably that's when you'll worry if you've tied your shoes.

Gates are open! Tapers done!  Everyone says things like "we knew you could"  "we never doubted" and you imagine having for an instant that kind of commitment to belief.....

And if you knew, Why the heck did God keep it from me?

Four sleeps until race day.  Four sleeps until waking up and not crying in front of the kids in fear of leaving my glasses on the beach.  Four sleeps, three runs and ten million cups of tea.  But you believed and that means something.  I never did.  I was just trying to prove you wrong. 

Four sleeps, one squeaky bike, a near hole in my wetsuit and the tremble in my tummy that shifts my hunger out of reality.  Four sleeps and ten millions thoughts of what could go wrong.  Four sleeps, three runs and one more strength class .... Taper does not live here.  But you believed and that counts against it all.  I never did.  I hoped, I thought maybe... I think now wouldn't it be nice....

Memories of sweat, thoughts of the space between running up half the hill and making all the way up over weeks of time.  Growth and strength lost to me.  It's hard to watch the baby grow in your arms.  It's hard to drink from the cup of life with a hole in your straw.

.... time to let go and trust.  Time enough for this.  Time enough for me. 

But none of it possible without you believing and supporting - thank you all for that.

1 comment:

YrHelper Infonut said...

How did the triathalon go?