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Friday, October 14, 2011

... as if I could

The day you learn to trust yourself is usually the day that fate or destiny or karma or God or 'insert descriptive here' decides to throw something new in your face that cannot be ignored.  This day when you wake up and have such a mental realization as to start your life anew in all things you were missing... this day is the day your adaptation to change just begins.  It's the day that pushes your every button, the moment when you genuinely believed for a few paralysing moments you had things figured out.  The coffee tastes too perfectly perked, the breeze blows just right across your face so as not to cause frizzy hair, the embrace you'd been longing for is suddenly offered, and all the heavens appear to inhale at once allowing for your heartbeat to fill the air in solitude. 

Then something changes... Or perhaps... you change.

The creamer for the coffee is sour, making you ponder whether or not you should cut back.  The child who was completely at peace in one moment is now dissolved in tears over a unsolvable issue ... like a broken graham cracker.  The hairspray bottle is empty and your goal of impressing someone today drifts into allowing them to see you all too clearly... when all you wished for was one moment of time when your best foot landed first.  That relative calls with strange altering news.  The babysitter cancels making your breath increase.  And all the heavens seem to laugh as if to watch your coping tactics in that moment when your heartbeat overfills your chest and life is, you realise, in flux again.

A run is like this.... especially if you are in the training for some big goal and everything is going well.  You start to trust yourself.  You start to let things be as they are.  You are so focused on focus you don't see the injury coming.  How did that happen?  How did that cosmic crash end up in your front yard like a pile of elephant dung you managed to not only tread in, but completely cover yourself in?

And how do you breathe in that moment when all your body is feeling disappointment and lack of hope?

Every day in those weeks between feeling great and wanting to conquer the world and the realization that things will have to change, that you are in fact not invincible... every day feels like forever.  Every day feels like a loss.  It sparks such mourning in my soul as to prompt a ritual ceremony from the dark ages.  Bring on the drums, lite the fire, send the smoke signals in the air, dance the mystical dance of healing and pray, chant, focus.  Let the doves fly free, let the horizon clear with the dawn fog, dissipating in the distance like a curtain lifting.  And all of life in balance. Please... heal.

Support comes in waves from friends, family and others.  All of which I am grateful for.  All of which I am thankful for.  In the palm of one hand are those that believe my goal for this year is manageable, is worth completion.  It is problematic to ask for help when you know 9 out of 10 people will tell you "this is your fault, stop running". 

Stop running? as if I could.  as if I had a choice.... there is so much of me scattered out among the fall leaves that I need to collect.... there is so much of me I am still piecing back together... there is so much of me needing this cleanse, this healing, this last 77 days, three races, four cakes and one soul changing journey. 

Stop running?  the mirror cracks so close to repair... the shoe laces far too close to untangled... the delicate frowns nearing undone... the strength I seek in myself so figuratively unearthed... Have you felt the ground underfoot ? It calls to me like a child in the night, like a soul mate in the quiet dream, like heaven in tall grass and bare feet.

Running... allows me to center, gives me focus, grants me peace... helps to ground me to this balance and patience I seem to search for, seem to yearn for. 

Such a long two weeks of recovery.  And still so much time ahead of slower pace, of listening to my capabilities every day, every minute, every step.  All you can do is..... Be here now. This my day 288 I ran, as I did yesterday, as - God willing- I will tomorrow.

Peace to you in running, May your every step bring a fresh ability to adapt to whatever change you are dealing with in life.

Day 288 current total of 365 days of running - 1549.98km

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