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Monday, September 26, 2011

Sweet Silence

All things stand still in the quiet, in the hush, in those moments of harsh truth when words too much to hear were heard. 
All but the clocks ticking in a thunderous rhythm upon the wall, counting down, relentlessly pushing forward.
That flag I carry in longing, in wait, forever searching for the infamous perfect place to strike it into the ground, as if to claim space... it rests still on my shoulder.
As if to claim space that was never mine to have.

Figuratively speaking, I feel my feet on the ground.  I certainly felt them yesterday at 34.5km into  my 36km run when the worst foot cramp I've ever had filled me with intense reality.
Unbeknownst to me, in the quiet, in the focus, in the momentary hunt for glory... someone else's discovery takes the place of my feet on the ground. 
As if to brush that ownership of life deep under the rug, where it falls grain by grain through the floorboards, forever forgotten.
In silence.

Distantly I hear the voices of support, striking a cord I continue to ignore. 
They call to me in a whisper, but that's more likely because I'm not listening, they could be shouting for all I know.
Too long in solitude, too far gone to stubbornness, too quiet in my shoes, standing tall and hypocritical of hope.
I am lost in this world, this current chaos, this cosmic interlude of hurt and anger.

Such reasons to celebrate, such focus as to forget, such time as to be still. 
Such reasons to weep, such loss as to remember, such time as to quicken my pace.
Each day a new pot of coffee, each day a new sunrise, each day a glisten of hope I do not embrace, each day a new day. 

And this day, day 269... taking stock of all I have seen this year; hope, faith, kindness, fear, abandon, goals, smiles, tears, hurt, anger, pain.... taking stock of all I have run through; chicken pox, board exams, races, sleepless nights, flooded basements, near bear experiences, a change of pace, the end of a marriage, the beginning of change.... taking stock of all I foresee; yet more hope, yet more faith, countless prayers, yet more fear, the overcoming of that fear, more goals to accomplish, and still much hurt to travel through. 

Mostly... I see 96 more runs.  Runs in the rain, in the sun, on the road, on the track, the hill, the trail.  Runs close to home, runs to the finish line, runs with new friends, with old friends, guided, solo.  Runs for focus, for guidance, for peace.  Runs for abandon, for joy, for the seeking of all goodness and calm.  Runs in the dark when no one is looking.  Runs when I least expect them.  Runs planned.  Runs in my new pink shoes.  Runs along the path of this life, so carelessly lived .... up til now.

Day 269 of 365 days of running current total - 1468.28km

begs the question, how many steps does a lifetime take?

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