.. and I'm back in grade one. Learning about lions and lambs. Learning about what it means to be "other" in my own skin, in my own class, in my own idea of "other" so kindly given to me. And Oh how I have lived it... this disabled life. I park in the special close spots. Correction, those who drive me get to park in the nice spots. That surely must be a perk right?
January made me think I was over thinking. February made me feel.... embraced in an idea. This notion of alone in a crowd. Shuffled between the known and the assumed. And yet I am still living the "other" in this new world of athlete that I have pretended to be a part of.
Perhaps I don't run fast. I know I'm not strong. I know that by all rights I should be able to lift that weight, or run that long.... I am .... unnerved at my belief in these words "able" and "should". I am ... forever redefining my opinions on gravity. I am ...
I have no clue.
This is week one of the official half ironman training. I thought it was a lot before. I thought my hair couldn't get any frizzier from being frazzled. I thought I would stop waking up in the kitchen at two am eating bananas and bagels. I thought I was losing my mind before.
I thought wrong.
My solo half marathon left a traumatic nervousness in it's wake. I jump at all movements. Spin around at the slightest noise. I see shadows in the mirror and say excuse me. I haven't found peace in a run since. I wake up in shakes and sweats, afraid to miss the train tracks in my dreams. I feel my heart rate racing when I am late for things.
And I still wake up eating bananas on the kitchen floor at two am. There are callouses forming on my hands from gripping metal free weights. My elbows have rug burn from alternating planks. My hair is frizzy. I have hopes that calm comes before the race. I have hopes that life will stop whipping around like a tornado and settle in the dust of collective thought.
... still deciding what exactly it is that I am.
Running - 33 runs, 125.87 km covered, Runstreak maintained
Biking - 9 bike rides, 183.7km covered.
swimming - 5 swims, 7.45 km covered.
weights - 8 weight workouts
core - 7 core workouts
toenails - 2 toenails lost
yoga - ok I admit ... zero yoga... I'm working up to it.... I swear.
And to March?
Well, if she's anything like me... she'll come in like a lion and leave in the same manner. I'm not sure I operate in any other gear.
Peace to you in running :)