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Sunday, November 27, 2011

Dirt under my nails

Everything is worth a fight... and the things that aren't worth the fight... well...

see they aren't even worth the words I could have said about them...

But the things that you know are worth a fight, worth your fight, are worth your absolutely everything.

Here is my biggest self discovery moment of the last 331 days.  Are you ready? Got your cup of tea? Sitting down?  It took me a while to get here, to this place of knowledge, or rather of acceptance... or rather of sweaty acknowledgement.... So in my thinking, you'd best be prepared for what follows....

I am a very intense person.

There I said it.

I don't know how to do anything "... a little bit".  I don't feel fantastic dabbling in anything.  If I'm gonna love - you better watch out, because I am in so deep you'll wish you had brought oxygen reserves.  If I'm gonna study something, I'm gonna be the best that I'm capable of.  If I'm gonna commit to something... like say running every day for a year... well then dam it... guess what?

There is nothing holding me back because there is such a huge amount of everything trying to.  I don't even love the fight.  I just seem to end up there, facing down my opponent and knowing in that last moment I may lose completely ... but it sure as hell won't be for lack of trying.

When I wake up in the morning the first thing I put on is my mental boxing gloves.  Every time some small thing jumps in my path I stop and take that breath that decides my fate.  Do I stand up to this?  Will I let this defeat me? Can you see me on the other side? Can I? I've been asked this year... what are you afraid of?

Everything.  Especially chaos.

but.....

put your gloves on.... (or running shoes as the case may be...)

There is no point in fighting the fight if you are not ready to embrace that chaos.   Let it take you by the throat and move you to that place that dangles your feet just over the edge of hope and above the canyon of fear... Then take it by surprise every time by turning to face it and smiling.  That's when the shock loosens it's grasp and you have your edge.

People are questioning my next years goals.  What do you plan to do for a year now?

I .... I.... this me.... I fear  ... maybe....

You know, sometimes, just looking into peoples eyes (especially when you know I'm legally blind and a bit of my behaviour traits)... sometimes, that's enough to make people shudder.  It's not that I'm special, or important or better than.  It's just too much truth in one moment of time for some people to accept.   Too much truth, too much fight... too much stubbornness.

I'm afraid to set a 2012 goal, because I know I will keep it.  There is still dirt under my nails from this years goal.

This year I have learned there is nothing you can't run through.  Sickness, health, busy schedule, travel, broken hearts, new jobs, exams, graduations, post marathons, when someone is holding your hand, more importantly when no one is....

This year I have learned that running can be as much a part of me as breathing, washing, eating. 

Next year I will have to learn that there can be a day WITHOUT running... Not a lesson I'm looking forward to learning.

And if you think you've lost your sense of humour.... get to day 331, where you've had a cold for a week, a migraine for 2 days, you're babysitting, you (remember 8% vision which means no driving) take 4 kids to the movies alone, your cat's in heat (again), your house is taking out stocks in tissues, the movie theater is 2.4km away and it's raining...

This is why you have a choice. Some things seem so karmicly chaotic that you can't help but laugh.  You can't help but stop and embrace it all. It's still your day 331.  You are still alive.  And as someone else offers your kids a ride home after the movie, but has no room for you or the stroller... and you in jeans and a winter coat.. standing in the rain... have a choice.

Well I was, I figured, wearing running shoes after all.

todays run... (although I am hoping for more) day 331 of 365 days of running - 2.4km solo road run pushing an empty stroller through the rain, home from the movies... 15mins.

current total 1795.8km  Still hoping for 2011km by the end of the year... 34 runs from now....

Peace to you in chaos :)

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