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Wednesday, November 9, 2011

NEVER say never

Not in the quiet when you think no one's listening, not in the shower when you think the water drowns out your doubt, not uttered into your coffee hoping the sleepy slurp will mask the fear....

NEVER say never... because you don't really know when your soul will take you seriously.

Day 310 we took to the road in Hamilton Ontario and ran 42.2km past fields, through streets, too close to the water treatment plant, down the mountain on the highway and along a trail that made me want to run all day.  As it turned out, all day took 4:59:03.... This my sweet surrender of self, this my beautiful culmination of blood, sweat and tears, this my tantric fantasy mixed into sharp shooting pains of doubt and fear... this my Boston Qualifying marathon time... This my next tattoo.

Never say never... someone may believe you.

Guide switch four days pre race... ask Rick how it feels to know not only are you guiding a marathon you haven't trained for, but also that there is a Boston hope lingering on the curb .... like the can you kick along the way home... Last minute daycare (Thank you MOM!!!!)... Last minute chaos... last minute cold and cough.  Last minute near giving up.  Last minute putting myself out there and realizing...  I had to run this day anyway... It may as well be a marathon right?

Never say never... Someone is learning from you.

The wall I had hoped to find, certainly found me.  At 36k in.. two steps past the farthest distance I ran in training.  But that came after my fastest half 2hrs 24mins ... The wall came after I sang outloud with no voice on the top of that mountain.  It smacked me in the face post waving and shouting at passing cars... making a fool of myself... loving every second, every millisecond...  Then something happened...

Never say never... if you hold on to doubt it fills too much of your heart to let hope in.

We started to go down hill.  I have never EVER felt that kind of pain in my life.  I would rather birth ten babies than run downhill for 5k.  I would rather be repeatedly run over by a truck than do that again.  So much pain.  We plugged through.  I can't remember about 10k in the middle... Perhaps my guide will comment and fill in the hole here.  I know at one point I ran solidly for a while with my eyes shut... in search of my happy place.  That mystical thing I haven't been grasping much lately.  But alas... much of that time between 25 and 35 is missing. 

Never say never... You are someone's something.

35k in was our last walk break.  We had stopped every 5k for fuel... at one water station I think I ran away (and into oncoming traffic) from Rick.  Oops... sorry... girls gotta do right?  Pain added a few extra short walks.  But 35k was the last one. We were suppose to have another at 40k... Something magical happens after the wall comes.  Something so otherworldly that no one can grasp the attention it takes to move into knowing anything else at that moment.

Never say never... Inspiration is born from the smallest flame.

36km... my wall... I didn't stop for.  I felt it. Like a wave washing me clean of any emotion.  There was nothing left in me there.  even my pain was gone.  I was immersed in this thing.  Lost to its wonders and despair.  I was standing alone at the edge of my universe.  Oddly not seeking help.  Oddly not looking at the view.  Just running along the edge of sanity as if there was no fine lines left.  As if the heavens sang out this next wrinkle we give you along your chin embodies this fight.  As if the stars were out and the sun was in a tango with the moon.  What did you do when you meet your wall?  I knew there was no stopping.  I knew it was now or never.  And DAM it... NEVER say never to me...

Never say never... you may be counting on you....

What did I do? I cried, with abandon... as if nothing mattered... I remember saying "this is that place... that place where I haven't been... this is that place I was looking for" And all my tears melted tracks through the salt, through the effort, through the pain.. through the fear.  It stopped my heart to realise....

Greatness is not a thing you can ever hold on to.  It is not a noun you can own.  It is a thing you can chase... it is a moving, breathing, living current... It is a verb.  And baby... I wanna be a verb for the rest of my life.

Never say never... Someone might be writing a dictionary.

We did not stop at 40k.  I asked if we still had a chance.  My answer was "if we hurry".  FUCK me... Hurry? now? 40k in?  Hurry? Have you felt my pain? Oh hell lets hurry then... I have a Boston guide waiting... (CHEERS TO YOU BLUE!!!)... There's a fritter somewhere in this day.  So hurry we did...

4:59:03 chip... 4:59:59 gun... Boston cut off time? Sight impaired... 5:00:00.

Never say never.... The feet believe what the heart tells them.

Thank you all for helping to see me through this crazy day in running :)

Day 313 of running current total 1696.74km

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