Endlessness

Day dreaming.  That's how I feel I entered this new year, this fresh calendar page.  As if dancing in chaos at a costume party.  Only I have forgotten my mask.  I have forgotten the dance steps.  I have misplaced my motive along the way, amongst the flu, intermixed with the nauseous calls of "mommy" in the dark, splattered against the overdue bills that wallpaper the house I must prep for sale.

And yet somehow, with the reassurance of my friends, both online and not, my family and my stubbornness.... I made it through the year.  The 365 days someone so off-handedly suggested I couldn't run.  I still breathe, although currently its entwined with spasms of coughs that land me on the floor when no one is looking.  I still feel my heart pumping the blood that carried life through me for the year. I hear it most in my plugged ears that have forsaken me to infection, congestion or otherwise, thus stealing perception beyond belief.  I thank my lovely children for sharing this cold, this virus that has taken its turn with each of us, a week at a time, over the last month.  I thank them for their endless hugs and snotty noses, the ones I will miss when my house is silent not too many years from now. 

So through a fog, through a haze, a fever or two.... my goal has been reached.  365 consecutive days of running through 2011... bringing with it 2011km of distance run.  For each drop of sweet sweat and bitter crusting of mud, I am thankful.  So thankful.  To have been capable, to have been able.  Funny how little that word means to me...."able".... Too often trapped in my own self identity as "disabled"... For whom?

My self labelling helps the world understand my clumsiness.  Helps me to find ways to 'adapt' (also a word I carry distaste for).  My self labelling, not meant derogatory, not meant to be infused with 'can'ts' but to carry some semblance of  'perhaps' and 'maybe'...

I am not that calm.  I am not that patient.  I am not that mild.

I am the lion that charges in.  I am the "watch me" that forces all doubt to the wall.  I am the child that likely gave my mother a heart attack everyday. 

I am the "here and now" that planned every step through the quicksand, too angry to sit by and wait for someone to figure out the route. 

And now, here are my thanks, here are my hopes and dreams of one challenge done.  Here is me saying I am nothing without those that push me.  I am nothing without those who love me.  I am nothing without support.  I am forever thankful, forever grateful....


Back to that fresh calendar page, so taunting and new. Back to that new challenge so simple and true.  Back to that me that can't turn down a fight.  Back to that inhale just before we take flight.

2012 goals... let it be known... I already botched one....

- limit of one cup of coffee a day (can you guess which one I blew?)
- to run 2012km in the year
- to run my first ultra in october 50km
- to read 12 good books
- to stretch more (ouch)
- one complete surprise I will not tell....

And because I haven't decided to give up my runstreak... I'm still running at least 1km every day (challenging as I still feel like a festering piece of dung, but that will pass I'm sure)... It seems I haven't said good-bye to it yet.  I'm sure there will come a day when I do not wish to run.  Today is  not that day. And so we continue. 

Peace to you all in running and more :)