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Sunday, September 7, 2008

Aging distractions

I'm feeling, in an abstract way, very aged. Not aged because I've aged, or aged because I'm tired and worn out; but aged in an unintentional-oops-too-bad-for-you-you-can't-lie-about-your-age.... aged way. I"m beginning to understand my mothers comments about how she couldn't be 29 anymore. How, in order for her to lie about her age, she had to lie about my age. Not in addition, we have to lie about my children's age. Baby #3 is officially, on Wednesday, toddler #3. One year. That is a very long time - especially when it's your whole life.

One year of no sleep. Insomniac toddler #3 has only just learned to sleep. One year of no sleep. One year of parenting changes. Every aspect of mothering I swore never to embrace was mine. Every aspect of mothering I swore to always embrace - I've relinquished. Learn to go with the flow. Fluid - we all must be fluid. A constant changing ebbing sense of humanity. Deep Thought would be proud.

There may be 42 answers to infinite questions, but life around here has been in flux. Surprisingly, toddler #3 seems to miss kid's 1 and 2 more than anything. He is rather used to having them around. They make good playmates; they do everything for him, they give him everything he wants; they let him throw, hit and in general go crazy. What a life.
To eat, sleep (or not), play and poo. Toddler #3 had his birthday party today. Kids are resilient. we have many things to learn from kids. Like deep belly breathing. Kids breathe that way naturally. Who taught us not to?

The flux and flow that my life has become is allowing for thought beyond tomorrow's dinner and yesterdays laundry. This is a good thing, a refreshing thing. The trouble is, tomorrow's dinner is still waiting there in my imagination, trying to piece itself together like a masterpiece awaiting approval. And yesterday's laundry is tapping it's toes in the basket by the washer, trying to impress upon me how high it should rank on my priority list. This week, my first week of back to's - was buffered. Dear hubby was home and busy hands kept the factory of our flux and flow in constant homeostasis. Tomorrow dawns with nanny time and school buses and packed lunches and too heavy bags... and parents both leaving at 7:30am. Time will tell is what they say. My question is what is it going to tell? Why do i have to wait for time to tell me? Why can't I make it up as I go along? I'm flexible, just I'd rather aim for positive outcomes.

Too much energy - or maybe just too much cake. Well when life (or time) provides you with a tidal wave of flow - B.B's. recommend "surfing"

Tomorrow, since I have a specific lack of beaches, I'm off to run with the Achilles runners again. Our intervals are longer and my total is up to nearly 14km. How very ambitious that sounds....

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